Geek Out

Admittedly, 2008 wasn’t a super-strong year for videogames—but
if you were willing to look hard enough, there were still some great
games to be had. And also some creepily symbolic weapons.

Most Adorable Burlap Midgets—Sackboys
(LittleBigPlanet)

The inclusion of LBP‘s burlap characters not only offered
gamers a hyper-cute protagonist for the PlayStation 3’s new flagship
title, it also swayed millions of perverts hoping to catch a glimpse of
that sweet Sackgirl bajingo.

Best Game None of You Played (You
Dicks!)—Bangai-O
Spirits

Take one part giant Japanese robots, two scoops of awesome weapons
ranging from baseball bats to burrowing missiles, and more than 100
levels of intense action and clever puzzles, and you’ve got the
perfect Nintendo DS game. Too bad no one played it.

CEO Most Likely to Steal Gold Fillings from a
Corpse—Activision CEO Bobby Kotick

If Kotick has his way, all Activision games will see mandatory
yearly sequels, the now-free user-created Guitar Hero: World
Tour songs will cost $2 a piece, and gamers will have to shell out
an extra $10 just to see the last 20 minutes of a $60 game. “Dick”
isn’t a strong enough word.

Best Chainsaw Gun-as-Penis
Metaphor—The Lancer (Gears of
War 2)

If guns are an extension of the penis, what part of the body is
represented by a machine gun with a chainsaw attached to the front of
it? The colon? The lower jaw? An intensely frightening vagina?

Game of the
Year—LittleBigPlanet

True, LittleBigPlanet could have won this award purely on the
virtue of its sublime soundtrack and Super Mario Bros.-style
platforming. But by offering gamers a simple system through which they
could create their own worlds, LBP vaulted over everything else
released this year. Plus, your non-gamer girlfriend will adore the
intense cuteness. EARNEST “NEX” CAVALLI