THURSDAY, JAN 8 8:00 TRAV MILLIONAIRE TRAILER PARKS Actual plush trailer parks designed to lure in millionaire clientsÉ like maybe Stevie Wonder?
8:30 NBC THE APPRENTICE Debut! A new reality show where eight suckers compete to land a job with Donald Trump.
FRIDAY, JAN 9 9:00 FOX BOSTON PUBLIC Gruber hits the roof after learning the school drum line is hazing freshmen. Hey, that’s how I got my job.
10:00 SCI CODE NAME: ETERNITY An intergalactic assassin opens up a can of whoop-ass on an alien who wants to destroy the earth.
SATURDAY, JAN 10 9:00 COM CHAPPELLE’S SHOW The funniest skits of all time from this hee-larious show.
10:00 A&E THE MICHAEL JACKSON CASE Psychologists sit around discussing whether or not Michael Jackson is fucking nuts.
SUNDAY, JAN 11 9:00 WB THE SURREAL LIFE Season Premiere! It’s move-in day for the cast members, who immediately start bickering over who gets to bunk with Vanilla Ice.
9:00 ABC ALIAS Sydney finally discovers where she’s been for the past two years, and is embarrassed to learn she’s been working at Wal-Mart.
MONDAY, JAN 12 9:30 NBC AVERAGE JOE: HAWAII Pugilistic champ Roy Jones, Jr. teaches the ugly guys how to box, which means one thingÉ NERD FIGHT! NERD FIGHT! NERD FIGHT!
TUESDAY, JAN 13 9:00 FOX 24 The Salazars show Chase a thing or two about interrogation, starting with the infamous “titty twister.”
9:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD: SAN DIEGO Season Premiere! Before this show has even aired, a cast member has been arrested and a rape charge has been leveled. Welcome to San Diego; the armpit of California.
WEDNESDAY, JAN 14 8:00 WB SMALLVILLE Lex Luthor plots his escape from the mental institution, and if my comic book knowledge serves me correctly, he may be successful.
8:30 FOX THE SIMPLE LIFE While Paris and Nicole pack their bags to return home, the community makes plans to burn the town and salt the earth.