The 6 Worst Songs on Carly Rae Jepsen’s New Album

I love pop music. I do. I couldn’t admit it for years because my friends all have excellent taste, but now that I’ve tricked those friends into loving me forever, I can finally say it out loud. I love it.

So everything I’m about to say comes from a fan. Carly Rae Jepsen’s new album Kiss is terrible. I’ve extensively analyzed “Call Me Maybe” because I think it’s a masterpiece, but the rest of Kiss feels thrown together by somebody who doesn’t know why she got famous and senses deep down she won’t be for long.

Some songs are sloppy and amateurish, while others feel like she’s just trying on different lady-pop personas to see which one she wants to be when she grows up.

#6 – “Tiny Little Bows” is light and airy and sounds like Katy Perry, except in her version, Katy would be turned into something creepy like a teenager or a lollipop.

#5 – “This Kiss” is a blatant Ke$ha ripoff, though without being step 0 in the life of an alcoholic.

#5b – “Hit Me Baby, A Couple Of More Times” isn’t a real song, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was on the album.

#4 – “Beautiful” is lyrically reminiscent of every other song ever written. The unlistenable duet with Justin Bieber features the chorus “What makes you so beautiful / is you don’t know how beautiful you are.” That’s the same hook as “What Makes You Beautiful” by the miniature British group One Direction. I can’t think of anybody less worthy of ripping off than five teenagers forced together by the staff of The X Factor.

#3 – “Tonight I’m Getting Over You” proves my theory that the producers of Kiss don’t like Carly Rae’s voice. I mean, I don’t like it, but they freaking hate it. It’s mixed so low she’s barely audible over the drum machine. This song sounds like she was having an acoustic concert and then somebody drove by the coffee shop blasting LMFAO. And just like you’d expect from somebody listening to LMFAO, he doesn’t realize that everybody hates him.

#2 – “Hurt So Good” is the song that broke down my will. I’d wanted to go this whole review without making fun of her for being Canadian, with her cute accent slips and occasional odd vowel sounds. But then she started this track with the lyrics “Eh, eh eh eh eh. Eh, eh eh eh eh.” Maybe that’s the cry for help from her countrymen. “Please, Canadians, get LMFAO off me!”

#1 – “Your Heart is a Muscle” is almost great. If it had been written and performed at a sleepaway science camp during the wacky talent show, it would have been awesome. And it would be followed by “Your Skin is an Organ” and then “Joey From Cabin 4 is a Hottie.” Out of context, it’s impossible to dance to because you’re laughing so hard, and then what’s the point?

Pop music should be a celebration. We should have fun because we’re young and hot (Britney), moving on from a terrible breakup (Adele) or not going to live much longer (Ke$ha). Kiss feels more like a desperate plea from a singer who wasn’t ready for the attention she got from Justin Bieber on Twitter and think kissing us is the only way we’ll ask her for another date.