I think we can all agree that, in general, ‘N Sync made and makes everything better… except Christmas. When it comes to Christmas, ‘N Sync is a combo platter of hatred, loathing, and perm solution. Courtesy of Warming Glow, here’s their 15-year-old homage to the holidays, “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” in which they grievously insult Gary Coleman, pretend to care about the homeless, throw the most lackluster holiday party ever, and portray Santa as someone who may be a chronic masturbator? Even Justin Timberlake’s sweet-ass, blonde-tipped perm-fro can’t save this one!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)