Greetings, surface dwellers! It is I, Aquaman—King of Atlantis and proud member of the Justice League! Drawing from my rich experience as Ruler of the Seven Seas, I am here to answer your romantic, professional, and ethical queries. Let us begin!
Dear Aquaman: How come you don’t have any superpowers?—Devin Roberts, Southwest Portland
Okay, not the kind of question I was expecting, but sure. I actually have a bunch of powers, for your information, which include being able to breathe underwater, swim REALLY good, and telepathically command sea life to obey my every whim! I’m also a very good advice columnist, so....
Dear Aquaman: Do you have gills? Are you a weird merman? Are you half fish?—Sarah DeWitt, Gresham
Obviously I do not have gills, Sarah. Obviously I have legs. Obviously I am neither a “weird merman” nor “half fish.” Again, if you have questions about your job or your love life, then I, Aquaman, will be happy to assist you.
Dear Aquaman: So if the Justice League is underwater and attacked by an evil octopus or something, I can see how you might be useful. But when they’re on land, do you just take the day off, or...?—Kevin Roth, St. Johns
I am VERY useful to the Justice League, EVEN ON DRY LAND, KEVIN, because I am very strong and a good team player! Ask Wonder Woman! Or Superman! They’ll tell you! Don’t ask Batman. Whenever I walk into a room, he asks if anyone else smells fish sticks. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY REAL QUESTIONS?
Dear Aquaman: Ha! Batman’s hilarious. Hey, speaking of fish sticks, do you eat them? That’d be pretty messed up, since you’re half fish.—Samantha Parker, Southeast Portland
Just for the record, global warming is going to put all of you underwater in like 20 years—which is when I’m going to KICK ALL OF YOUR ASSES. We’ll see who’s laughing then, assholes!