The Iran foreign minister has dismissed the idea of an attack from the United States, leading President Bush to say, “Heyyyy… then how are we supposed to make you do what we want?”

As Sarah reported yesterday, Starbucks will be closing 600 of their shops — which is about half of their Pearl District locations, right?

Angelina Jolie’s obstetrician is calling a special press conference today, probably to announce, “Hey! I’m Angelina Jolie’s obstetrician! Woo-hoo!”

U.S. advisers have been instructing the Mexican police in torture techniques. At least Mexico knows what we’re good at.

Fred Myer and QFC recall ground beef because of safety concerns (for humans, that is… not cows).

Guys! We cannot let Barack Obama win this election! Otherwise… STEPHEN BALDWIN MAY LEAVE THE COUNTRY!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

3 replies on “Good Morning, News!”

  1. “We cannot let Barack Obama win this election! Otherwise… STEPHEN BALDWIN MAY LEAVE THE COUNTRY!!”
    If that doesn’t turn undecided voters to Obama supporters, I don’t know what will

  2. I love how Faux news doesn’t see the irony in asking Stephen Baldwin why people care about what celebrities think. Maybe they don’t consider him a celebrity.

  3. Calling McCain’s presidency 4 more years of Bush is the most stupidest thing I’ve ever heard….uhhhhhh….most stupidest? Tom Selleck supports McCain though so I just switched my vote. I kinda want him to give me a mustache ride.

Comments are closed.