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Creature of the darkness, Jared Kushner, is trying to un-say that the Trump administration wants to delay the November election.
Creature of the darkness, Jared Kushner, is trying to "un-say" that the Trump administration wants to delay the November election. WIN MCNAMEE / GETTY IMAGES

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! See, I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes. Just ask your momma, she knows. You're gonna miss me baby, hate to say "I told you so." LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A Northwest Portland hair salon is one of nine Oregon businesses who are suing the governor for the right to reopen their shops... why? Because apparently, not enough Oregonians have died to make it worth them losing money. LOOK, WE'RE DYING THE BEST WE CAN! (Anyway, our Alex Zielinski has more.)

Despite having recent surges in coronavirus cases, five Oregon counties—including Marion County which has the highest rate of infection in the state—are still pushing to reopen this Friday.

According to new COVID maps released by the Oregon Health Authority, some of the state's neighborhoods that have been hardest hit by the virus are not improving at all—in fact, a West Salem suburb saw its infection rate double in one week.

Expected, but still disappointing: Portland Parks and Rec will not be opening their public pools or community centers this summer.

The Jupiter NEXT Hotel, after previously offering their rooms for houseless individuals suffering from COVID symptoms, will now allow small local businesses to set up shop in their large ballroom for FREE. Newly returned Mercurian Bob Ham has the details.


Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell says that the country will need more financial support from the government in order for the economy to bounce back. Naturally Republicans do not like this idea, because they hate the idea of a healthy America.

According to economists, more than 100,000 small businesses across America have closed due to COVID-related fallout.

Despite that fact that early reopening could cause a deadly resurgence of COVID-19 (Dr. Anthony Fauci warned senators yesterday of this very thing), a New York Times study shows that "25 million more people ventured outside their homes on an average day last week than during the preceding six weeks."

The federal judge overseeing the Michael Flynn case is open to hearing counter arguments to the corrupt DOJ's assertion that Trump's criminal crony should have never been charged.

Meanwhile another jailed Trump crony, Paul Manafort, has been released from prison and into home confinement due to fears of a coronavirus outbreak in his minimum security facilities.

Jared "Nosferatu" Kushner is walking back comments made yesterday about how the White House might have the power to delay the November election due to the pandemic—so you KNOW they're seriously thinking about doing it, right?

Armed Michigan militia dipshits helped a barbershop reopen, going against the governor's orders and defying anyone to stop them.

In other dipshit news: "Man refusing to wear mask breaks arm of Target employee."

Look, you're stuck inside, creative, going nuts, and need money, right? Then enter your short confinement-themed film in the Confinement (online) Film Festival, better known as CoFF! BUT HURRY! The deadline for submissions is THIS FRIDAY, MAY 15! And be sure to get your tickets to the CoFF festival debuting on May 22!

Want to support the Mercury and make your walls snazzier? Buy a Mercury Cover Poster! They're gorgeous, a real conversation starter, and will keep your favorite media source humming. But after this Friday they're gone forever, so snap 'em up!

Now let's squint our eyes upward at the WEATHER: Another cool, showery day with a high of 63.

And finally, "from the mouths of babes...," amirite?