"LOL I'm fucked"—Theresa May, probably. Credit: DAN KITWOOD / GETTY IMAGES

Stay up to date on Portland news and politics. Looking for fun? Here are the best Things to Do in Portland today.

LOL Im fucked—Theresa May, probably.
“LOL I’m fucked”—Theresa May, probably. DAN KITWOOD / GETTY IMAGES

Good morning, Portland! Today is going to be cloudy, and then it’s going to be rainy. But you probably already assumed that.

Here are the headlines:

Terrible Job Attracts Few Candidates: Donald Trump is apparently having trouble filling his chief of staff slot. John Kelly announced a couple days ago that he plans to leave the position after the end of this year, and Mike Pence’s chief of staff, Nick Ayers, turned down the opportunity to move from serving one powerful creep to serving another, more powerful creep. It’s like when nobody wants to be your partner in a class project, except that you’re a trash heap with the nuclear codes and even the other trash heaps are avoiding eye contact and claiming to already have a partner.

Brexit: Maybe Not a Great Idea?: British Prime Minister Theresa May is having a hard time negotiating a smooth Brexit process, because, well, can you imagine a smooth Brexit process? This thread about a cheese submarine actually does a pretty good job of explaining the impossible position she’s in.

More Shitty News From DHS: The Department of Homeland Security, the entity responsible for putting kids in cages, is pushing a new proposed rule change that would give the government more power to turn away potential immigrants and visa holders for being too poor. The proposed change refers to immigrants who might access social services as “public charges,” rather than as human beings. Oregon lawmakers are rejecting the new policy, but I wouldn’t hold my breath because… these people put kids in cages!

Cops in Class: The Portland Public Schools board will vote tonight on a controversial new policy that would pay for police officers to be present in schools—as much as $1.2 million annually. Parents and students have shared their unease with the plan, and a Grant High student is trying to get the vote pushed back, the Oregonian reports.

Shiny Toy Guns: The man shot by police at a Starbucks inside a Fred Meyer on Friday may have been wielding a replica gun, OPB is reporting. The man is now at the Multnomah County Jail, and the four officers who shot at him are on paid administrative leave.

Hostile Architectural Digest: The Mercury’s Alex Zielinski noticed more hostile architecture—that is, random features that serve no purpose but to make it harder for homeless people to exist in urban spaces—along the MAX line near the Morrison Bridge. This time, it comes in the form of empty concrete planters, a truly useless addition that will prevent people from sleeping on the ground.

Go West, Young Man: The Metro Council, which determines city and county boundaries in the Portland area, will vote Thursday on four westside suburbs’ requests to expand their urban boundary lines. This vote could add 2,200 acres of sprawl—and 9,200 new homes—to the tri-county region.

Very Serious Alt-Right Watch:

Blair Stenvick is a former news reporter and culture writer for the Portland Mercury.