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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! This can’t die, I yearn to live. Pour yourself all over me, and I’ll cherish every drop here on my knees. LET’S GO TO PRESS.
Hurricane Dorian, now a category one storm, has hit the outer banks of North Carolina, while in the Bahamas at least 30 are dead with many more missing. No surprise here, but the wealthy Bahamians are being air-lifted out while the poor are left among the dead to clean up the devastation with no drinking water.
After altering a NOAA map with a Sharpie in an attempt to convince people he was right, Trump is continuing to defend his stupid theory that Alabama was in Dorian’s path. (Arrested Development narrator voice: “It was not.”)
Not the Sharpiest tool in the shed.
— Storm Large (@Stormof69) September 6, 2019
A Southern military base has lost its funding for a new school for their children—because Trump is using it to fund his racist border wall.
Proving once again they are first and foremost the party of Donald Trump, the GOP is cutting off primaries and caucuses in four states, effectively ruining any remaining chances for longshot Republicans hoping to run against the president.
House Democrats are launching an investigation into Trump’s shady methods of allegedly funneling government funds into his resorts.
The first prime minister (and later tyrant) of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has died at the age of 95.
Independent booksellers are furious after Amazon released early copies of Margaret Atwood’s hotly-anticipated new novel.
Remember when former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he was going to run for president? (I’d completely forgot about him, too.) Anyway, he’s not doing that anymore.
Attorney generals from eight states and DC are launching investigations into Facebook for suspected antitrust violations.
Nicki Minaj tweeted that she’s retiring from the music biz to start a family, adding “I know you guys are happy now.” I’M NOT SURE WHERE SHE’S GETTING THAT IDEA! :'(
Or wait a second… IS SHE RETIRING?
Nicki Minaj apologizes for “abrupt” and “insensitive” retirement tweet.
But… is she still retiring? https://t.co/v8zT10Bjv6
— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) September 6, 2019
IN LOCAL NEWS: Some Timbers fans were banned from upcoming games for flying the Iron Front flag. Our Abe Asher gives you the background, and explains why this vague, thoughtless rule isn’t going to work out well for anyone.
OHA officials announced that an Oregonian has died from “severe respiratory illness” after using a legal cannabis vape pen. Our sister paper The Stranger‘s Lester Black has more.
The two people who were indicted for allegedly assaulting a MAGA hat-wearing person at a Portland bar have been cleared by a grand jury, after it was discovered that the Trump supporter instigated the scuffle. Side note: The MAGA hat-wearer is now threatening to leave the state, to which we all joyously reply, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.”
Your local headline of the day: “Moonlighting clown builds house in storage unit.”
YOU LOOK THIRSTY. Have a $5 slushy (but hurry, this is the last week)! YOU ALSO LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A LAUGH. Get your tickets now for the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy, coming at you on Sept 21! OH! AND YES, YOU DO LOOK SEXY! Tickets for HUMP! 2019 are right here.
Now let’s gaze lovingly at the WEATHER: A very nice Friday (with a high of 82) will turn into a partly sunny weekend with the chance of showers.
And finally, have a nice weekend and do no harm.
