MONDAY, JUNE 4
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, darlingsâyour trusted source for news that will make you laugh, cry, and projectile vomit! The Portland Mercury accepts no responsibility for any physical or psychological harm that may occur due to the aforementioned vomit. (Yes, that last sentence was mandated by the Portland Mercuryâs âlawyer,â and yes, we did put âlawyerâ in sarcasm quotes, because despite what our publisher says, forcing Skylar the Intern to watch Divorce Court and then asking him for âlegal adviceâ is not... actually, know what? Forget it. Moving on!) MEANWHILE, IN CHINA... There are reports of a weird, creepy illness, because of course there are, because 2018. âThe US State Department has sent âa number of individualsâ from the US Consulate in Guangzhou, China, back to the US after screenings showed they may have been affected by mysterious health problems,â reports NPR, sounding exactly like a TV news reporter in a movie about the apocalypse. âTwo weeks ago, the agency said one government employee in Guangzhou experienced âvague, but abnormal, sensations of sound and pressure,â similar to the unexplained incidentsâsometimes described as âsonic attacksââthat recently sickened staffers in Cuba.â Hmm. So an âunexplainedâ illness with âabnormalâ symptoms that might be part of an international series of âsonic attacksâ? Okay! Weâre sure absolutely no oneâs head is going to explode from this at all. MEANWHILE, IN WYOMING... Trump BFF Kanye West debuted his new album Ye via a livestream from Jackson Hole, and... wait. For some inexplicable reason, we seem to be experiencing vague, but abnormal, sensations of sound and pressure? Itâs almost as if weâre under some kind of sonic attack!
TUESDAY, JUNE 5

Yesterday, Kanye BFF Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) declared himself above the law. âPresident Trump on Monday asserted an âabsolute rightâ to pardon himself of any federal crimes but said he has no reason to do so because he has not engaged in any wrongdoing,â reports the Washington Post, sounding exactly like a TV news reporter in a movie about a presidential impeachment. The Post continued, âLegal scholars differ on the issue of whether the president can pardon himself,â while Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Charles E. Grassley told CNN, âIf I were president of the United States, and I had a lawyer that told me I could pardon myself, I think I would hire a new lawyer.â For the Mercuryâs own in-depth legal analysis, we now turn to Skylar the Intern! âOh geez, Iâd love to help, Ms. Romano,â Skylar said. âBut honest, all I really know is stuff from Divorce Court!â Fair enough, kid. Weâll check back in once Melaniaâs episode airs.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6
Itâs graduation season, which means that across our nation, countless people are sweating in high school gymnasiums, desperately pretending that we arenât handing an irredeemably corrupted world to a generation that deserves far, far better. But also, uh, congrats? And special congrats to Ben Bowling, who, as the valedictorian of Bell County High School in Pineville, Kentucky, gave his fellow graduates a rousing speech! âThis is the part of my speech where I share some inspirational quotes I found on Google,â Bowling said. ââDonât just get involved. Fight for your seat at the table. Better yet, fight for a seat at the head of the table.â â Donald J. Trump.â âThe crowd burst into applause,â reports the New York Times! Except, wellllllll.... âJust kidding,â Bowling quickly added. âThat was Barack Obama.â At which point the crowd fell silent and one guy booed. âMost of them probably got the joke,â Bell County High Schoolâs principal, Richard Gambrel, told the NYT, adding he was surprised no one caught on sooner. âIt proves,â he laughed, âthat people donât read or pay attention.â Yep, that about sums it up! Welcome to the real world, Class of 2018! (But hey, look on the bright side: At least you canât make things any worse.)
THURSDAY, JUNE 7

Undisputed fact, darlings: EPA chief Scott Pruitt is the swampiest of Trumpâs swamp monsters. Heâs repeatedly used his office for personal gain (a federal offense, donâcha know) which includes, but isnât limited to, hiring a security team three times the size of his predecessorsâ; flying first class to avoid public heckling; and using EPA staff for errands such as apartment hunting and purchasing a used mattress from a Trump hotel (that oneâs just EWW). But wait! Thereâs more. This week Pruitt was caught ordering his security agents to pick up his dry cleaning and find a particular brand of moisturizing cream. Oh, and he also used his official position to get his wife a Chick-fil-A franchise. LETâS BREAK THIS DOWN. One shouldnât spend $3.5 million taxpayer dollars a year on a security team that picks up dry cleaning. (Thatâs why one marries Hubby Kip.) One also doesnât use oneâs political prestige to finagle oneâs spouse a Chick-fil-A restaurant. (Reminder: Chick-fil-A is run by Christian trash.) As for ordering oneâs employee to drive one around looking for the perfect moisturizer... welllllll, that depends. Itâs probably better for Pruitt to stock up on lotions now, since his moisturizing situation in federal prison will be less than ideal.
FRIDAY, JUNE 8
If you were to peek in our closet, youâd find many adorable handbags and multiple pairs of snappy shoes designed by the irreplaceable Kate Spade. Meanwhile, our bookshelf boasts copies of Kitchen Confidential, Medium Raw, and No Reservationsâchef and author Anthony Bourdainâs electric writing on food and the importance of exploring world culture. The lives of both artists were claimed by suicide this week. Spade and Bourdain left behind beautiful objects and indelible memoriesâand a needed reminder that depression can overtake anyone. Itâs a condition thatâs not outwardly obvious; according to a CDC report, 54 percent of people who take their own lives have no record of mental illness. So while itâs perfectly appropriate to mourn the loss of such great talents, letâs also remember we donât know whatâs going on beneath the masks that people wear every day, and we need to take care of each other. Thatâs why we want to pause for a moment, look you squarely in the eye, and let you know that you matter. Your continued existence is important to us, and itâs okay to admit you need help sometimes. Admitting weakness is a strength, and there are friends, loved ones, and even strangers (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255) who are ready to listen and help. Youâand weâre looking right at youâare such a sweet darling. And we want you to stick around.
SATURDAY, JUNE 9
In case you missed it, Rudy Giuliani is a pig. In his continuing battle to defend Donald Trump against the lawsuit brought on by successful businesswoman Stormy Daniels, Rudy had this to say to reporters: âI know Donald Trump, and look at his three wives,â Giuliani said without a trace of irony. âBeautiful women, classy women, women of great substance. Stormy Daniels? Someone who sells his or her body for money has no good name.â He also said he respected criminals more than porn stars. OHHHH-KAY. For a more measured, less horribly misogynistic take, letâs turn to adult film director/writer Aurora Snowâs reaction in the Daily Beast. âPorn stars are also career women and women of substance. Theyâre working moms raising children, theyâre young adults paying their way through college, theyâre entrepreneurs and small business owners. The job does not make them degenerates, or criminals, or less than human. It is the shame of the porn consumer and the morally repugnant cultural attitudes regarding womenâs sexual behavior that breeds such hatred.â Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani has squandered any and all good will by defending the indefensible lies and corruption of Donald Trumpâwho should really start hiring people of more substance, donât ya think?
SUNDAY, JUNE 10

And finally, if you have any pregnancy advice for rapper Cardi Bâyou may want to keep that to yourself. After preggo Cardi was spotted at a smoky club, the internet quickly offered its unasked-for opinions. âYouâre ignorant af, I feel sorry for your baby,â wrote one particularly indignant observer. âYouâre in a club full of smoke... your a disgrace.â Always attuned to the needs of her fans, Cardi teed up an appropriately sassy response. âSINCE YA CARE AND ARE SO CONCERN about my baby,â she clapped back, âhit me in my DM for my registry and send me some Pampers and baby formula. Donât just comment like you care about my baby, show it!! SEND THEM PAMPERS!â Likewise, if you truly care about our country, itâs time for you to stop complaining and show it: SEND THEM PAMPERS to Donald J. Trump, care of the White House.