I’ve been happily married to my wife for fifteen years. I’m a 54-year-old man, she’s a 55-year-old woman. While sex has never been our strongest suit, we’ve made the effort. But she now finds sex too painful and no longer wants to have intercourse. I’m on the larger side, which may or may not be relevant. She’s still willing to do oral sex, which we do maybe once a month. I don’t want to go without intercourse for the rest of my life and have told her as much. Recently, in couples therapy, I proposed opening things up in a variety of ways, all of which she refused to do, saying it would cause her shame and that she’s too afraid it would lead to me falling for someone else.

I sort of feel like we’re at a dead end. I love her and our life and our teenage kid too much to leave her over this. I looked online for a sex toy that would simulate vaginal intercourse, of which I found a few, but I’m looking for something that we could use together, something that would get as close to the experience (for me) as possible. I assume you’ve gotten hundreds of variations on this question over the years and thought you might have a good suggestion.

Not Ready To Go Without

If this is a problem your wife is interested in solving — pain during intercourse after menopause — she could talk to her doctor about low-dose vaginal estrogen, a safe and effective treatment for thinning vaginal tissues due to falling estrogen levels. If your wife isn’t open to talking about this treatment with her doctor, NRTGW, this may not be a problem she’s interested in solving. She may not even regard it as a problem.

This Mercury Music Picks goes out to all the soggy ladies, all the soggy ladies! It’s been wet out there lately and yet, I keep going to all these shows and they keep getting packed out—y’all do be making this music editor emotional. But wait, there’s more! More shows to go check out, more sights and sounds to experience, and more community to be built through music. If you doubt these words, have a read below and be stunned by the sheer volume of excellence flowing through our fair city. 

You like laughing your guts out, right? Then you won't want to miss the Portland Mercury’s Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2025, featuring Portland’s funniest people (and hilarious up-and-comers) all on one stage. And it's all going down at Revolution Hall this Thursday, March 20! 

Featuring top-notch stand-up from: Shain Brenden, Ally J Ward, Ben Harkins, Gabby Poccia, Lee H. Tillman, Andrea Menchaca, Devi Kirsch, plus sketch comedy from The Aces!

Hosted by the always hilarious ADAM PASI, with super special guest MOHANAD ELSHIEKY!

Wanna win TWO FREE TICKETS to see this Thursday's Geniuses of Comedy show? Then email us here by noon tomorrow, Wednesday March 19, and put "Genius Tickets Giveaway" in the subject line! (Winners will be notified by 5 pm Wednesday.)

Otherwise, get your tickets NOW for the 2025 edition of...

The Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy

THURSDAY, MARCH 20, 8 PM
Revolution Hall
(1300 SE Stark)
$20, 21+
These shows always sell out, so don’t delay!

The Mercury provides news and fun every single day—but your help is essential. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support!

Good Morning, Portland! Alas, no more spells of Portland’s annual fake spring. Real spring greets us this Thursday, keeping the region fairly soggy. Today we’re in for a high of 51 degrees and a low of 40. 

@4theluvofhats21

 

♬ original sound - Alexander Jai Battle

In Local News:

• ICYMI: Portland's Mill Ends Park no longer holds the Guinness World Record for the world's smallest park. We've been stripped of the record by Japan. As KGW reports, "a park in Nagaizumi Town, Japan, has now claimed the title." 

Hello, and welcome to a very special Trash Report. I usually write this newsy gossip column for the internet, but the top brass at Mercury HQ let me out of the computer to write–in print–because, what is a free alt-monthly if not a report, that eventually becomes, how you say, trash? (Or recycling, obviously, but you know what I mean.) I’m qualified to write about art because as a writer, I technically am an artist, and lucky for all of you, my preferred medium is silliness on newsprint. Let’s get this art show on the road!

Film

Warner Bros. is officially working on a sequel to beloved local classic film The Goonies, a full 40 years after its initial release. Thus far, they’ve hired Potsy Ponciroli to write the script, so we know next to nothing about the plot, or if any of the stars from the original film will return, but there’s a lot of shitty news in the art world right now (keep reading to get depressed!), so this is a nice treat for all of us. It’s as if we are all chained up in a tiny room, and then someone throws a Baby Ruth at our head—this news is that metaphorical Baby Ruth.

When Jamie Dunphy pulled up to our meeting in his beater ’90s Ford Ranger, wearing a flannel, it was clear that his roots as a PNW musician are still deeply planted. Since taking office, Dunphy has positioned himself as a relatable voice on City Council; a Portlander with fresh takes on how to make the city more livable for everyone, not just those with deep pockets. Specifically, Dunphy spoke about his plans to make Portland a music capital again, by co-creating a city government supportive of working-class musicians and artists that encourages sustainable growth for the city’s evergreen music industry without bending to the powers that be (and that want to be) in Portland.

If you’ve been paying attention at all, even just the tiniest little bit, you’ve noticed that Portland has been experiencing myriad growing pains for the last decade or so, causing the city to become a much harder place to thrive in than it used to be. Among the hardest hit in this time of growth are working class musicians, a point of Portland pride and a cross section of our city that includes communities of all races, genders, sexualities, ages, abilities, etc.

Here’s where Dunphy comes in. Elected to Portland City Council in November 2024, Dunphy is the first elected official to make music a policy priority. He remembers what many consider to be the golden years of Portland music culture. When we had bands blowing up internationally, when you couldn’t walk a single block on the east side after 5 pm without hearing a band practice, when artists (not just creatives) were flocking to the city to take part in supportive, diverse music and arts scenes.

What happened to all the house venues? What happened to bartending or being a barista part-time and creating art full-time because rent was $500 a month? Gentrification, obviously, which Dunphy sees and wants to do something—a lot of things—about.

Thursday may be the first day of spring, but the Oregon weather is determined to rain on its parade. However, there's still plenty of fun to be had this week at events from the Found Footage Festival's 20th Anniversary Show to The Music of the Rolling Stones and from Gabriel Iglesias to The 2025 Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy!

MONDAY

ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Irish Festival 2025
Kells Brewery and Kells Irish Restaurant & Pub celebrates vibrant Irish culture with a slate of Irish dancers and musicians including Sean Daly and the Shams, St. James's Gate, and Padraig from afternoon 'til night. Enjoy the entertainment while you tuck into the late-night menu with hearty fare like sausage rolls, shepherd's pie, and Irish stew. Leap over for a craic and don't forget to wear green! JANEY WONG
(Various locations)

If you’re reading this, you probably know the value of the Mercury’s news reporting, arts and culture coverage, event calendar, and the bevy of events we host throughout the year. The work we do helps our city shine, but we can’t do it without your support. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support!

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND!👋

Let's get excited: This Thursday marks the 2025 edition of the absolutely hilarious Mercury UNDISPUTABLE GENIUSES OF COMEDY! Portland's top stand-up comics (10 of 'em!) will take the stage in a gut-bustin' evening of laffs, led by hype man/host extraordinaire Adam Pasi, and super special guest Mohanad Elshieky! (Want to know a lot more about the comedians you'll see? READ THIS.) But you better get those tix quick for this Thursday's (March 20) show. Now let's punch your ticket for a ride on today's NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Thanks in part to a lawsuit filed by state attorneys general (such as Oregon's own Dan Rayfield), two federal judges have ordered President Trump (and his sniveling toadie Elon Musk) to reinstate fired employees from across more than a dozen government agencies. The orders say that Trump has until 1 pm today to notify workers they can return to their former jobs, but so far Oregon's federal probationary employees have not been alerted, and are very naturally skeptical.

• Reminder to pick up your own copy of the best arts guide in Portland, the Mercury's Spring Arts issue (in print at more than 500 spots citywide)!

The Mercury's swole Spring arts guide is here to tell you about everything from the Claude Monet painting at the PAM to a brand-new nail art fest in SE Portland. Get in here! We're explaining art!

[image or embed]

— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.com) March 13, 2025 at 1:12 PM

GOOD MORNING, SUNDAY! It's the perfect time to catch up on some of the great reporting and stories the Mercury churned out this week! (PRO TIP: If you despise being "the last to know," then be one of the first to know by signing up for Mercury newsletters! All the latest stories shipped directly to your email's in-box... and then... YOUR HEAD.)

• The Mercury's Spring Arts Guide!

The Mercury's swole Spring arts guide is here to tell you about everything from the Claude Monet painting at the PAM to a brand-new nail art fest in SE Portland. Get in here! We're explaining art!

• POP QUIZ PDX

This week's fun trivia includes: righteous protesters making a big noise, Republican face-plants, and trading in your icky Tesla for something WAY cooler! See how well YOU score!

• Portland Hearings Officer Signs Off on PGE's Forest Park Utility Plan

A city hearings officer approved a plan for Portland General Electric to remove about 400 trees from a swath of Forest Park to make way for new transmission lines. The decision came despite Portland’s own Permitting and Development Bureau recommending against the utility company's proposal.

Baker & Spice
Julie Richardson's bakery is going all out with several delightful holiday specials, including "Shimmy-Shams" (green sprinkle-encrusted shamrock cookies), dark chocolate "sham-wich" cookies layered with crème de menthe buttercream, Irish whiskey-glazed buttermilk cake, and fragrant soda bread spiked with currants and orange zest.
Hillsdale

In case you haven’t noticed, Portland is a hotbed of comedic talent—one that’s been a springboard for the careers of such nationally recognized stand-ups as Ian Kamel, Shane Torres, Kyle Kinane, Matt Braunger, Ron Funches—the list does not stop. That’s why the Mercury is dedicated to spotlighting some of the best comedy Portland has to offer (as well as up ‘n’ coming newbies you just gotta see) with our annual showcase, The Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy!

Since 2016, the Mercury’s Geniuses of Comedy has been a celebration of local talent as well as a sure-fire night of belly laughs. And this year’s edition of Geniuses promises even more fun, with 10 highly curated acts of standup, sketch comedy, and wild stuff you’re not going to see anywhere else—since this sparkling night of laughs plays for only one night (Thursday, March 20 at Revolution Hall), you should get your tickets quick at merctickets.com because it WILL sell out!

Check out our shit-hot lineup of pants-peeing comedic talent at this year’s UNDISPUTABLE GENIUSES OF COMEDY!

YOUR HOST... ADAM PASI!

Quickly becoming one of the most sought-after and highly regarded comics in the Pacific Northwest, Adam is a former Portland’s Funniest Person winner, was featured on the hit show Portlandia, and has appeared at tons of comedy festivals, including the Bridgetown and Big Sky fests. He's also one of Portland's best comedy hype men, and trust us, you’ll fall in love with his intense (yet oh-so-lovable) style.

OPENINGS

Champs Burger
This up-and-coming pop-up will open its new cart at Away Days Brewing on Saturday. In addition to the signature dry-aged Champ burger on a fluffy house-made bun, you can expect specials like smash burgers and juicy pub-style burgers, as well as a rotation of cookies.
Hosford-Abernerthy

You're in luck this weekend, because there's plenty to do on a dime. We're suggesting events from an author talk with Ariel Gore to Night Heron, Aan, and still fade and from T.C. O'Leary's St. Patrick’s Celebration to Frankenstein's Comicbook Swap! For more suggestions, check out our top picks of the week and our St. Patrick's Day guide.

FRIDAY

READINGS & TALKS

Ariel Gore
Journalist, writer, and educator Ariel Gore is reliably inspirational. I got a lot out of her revolutionary 2022 book The Wayward Writer: Summon Your Power to Take Back Your Story, Liberate Yourself from Capitalism, and Publish Like a Superstar, which included interviews with Ursula K. LeGuin, Alexis Pauline Gumbs, and other literary biggies. Her book Hexing the Patriarchy offered some solid enchantments for bringing down The Man, too. This time, Gore documents her wife's experiences with terminal breast cancer in an act of bravery that is difficult to conceive of. Rehearsals for Dying is worth every second of your time. LINDSAY COSTELLO
(Powell's City of Books, Pearl District, free)

If you’re reading this, you probably know the value of the Mercury’s news reporting, arts and culture coverage, event calendar, and the bevy of events we host throughout the year. The work we do helps our city shine, but we can’t do it without your support. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support!

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! It's another morning, huh? I guess it'll just keep going on and on like this for a while longer, at least. And you know what? That's beautiful. 

Did you experience the hail and thunder yesterday? It lasted only about 10 minutes but it was intense! We're due for showers today, with temperatures in the late 40s. But who knows? Maybe we'll see more hail. 

Onto the news.