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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! 👋

If you've been missing the sun... well, you won't be missing it as much for the next three days as the glowing orb will be making occasional appearances (along with showers) with highs in the mid-to-low 50s. And speaking of appearances, get ready to get both holly AND jolly, because the Mercury's annual HOLIDAY GUIDE is live online and in print in more than 500 spots around the city! It's jam-packed with advice, events, gifts, and general holiday frivolity! MISS IT AT YOUR HOLIDAY PERIL. And now, let's look at some only occasionally frivolous NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Some people say I'm a bitch. And I'm not going to argue! But the good news is... I'M A BITCH. Here's a great example of what I do best; a bitchy little rant about the latest bullshit headline from the Oregonian, which went waaaaay over the line by proclaiming "Portland’s ranked-choice debut causes voter engagement to crater." Of course, ranked choice voting did nothing of the sort, and this was just another example of the O catering to the whims of their conservative bedfellows. And while it pisses me off... I gotta admit... this bitch had fun writing it (and not-so-mysteriously the O's article has disappeared from the main page of their website 💅). Check out my bitchy little rant for yourself!

The Oregonian makes the extremely dubious claim that Ranked Choice Voting "cratered" voter engagement. 🧐 Ummmm... the Mercury's Wm. Steven Humphrey would like to have a word.

[image or embed]

— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.bsky.social) November 13, 2024 at 9:53 AM

• Here's your morning bullshit: The lame duck Portland City Council voted yesterday to not only continue the downtown Clean and Safe program for another 10 years, they expanded it and bumped up the budget from $7 million to $10 million. While Clean and Safe does keep the downtown corridor tidy, it also increases policing, engages in homeless sweeps, and (here's where it gets particularly bullshitty) pumps millions into the pockets of the Portland Metro Council (FKA Portland Business Alliance) who uses the money to line the wallets of their executives while also lobbying for conservative, pro-business policies at City Hall. Is that where you want YOUR taxpayer money to go? Welp, Commissioners Gonzalez, Mapps, and Ryan never gave a crap about your concerns in the first place, so why should they now? Get all the background here from our Courtney Vaughn. 

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:42 AM

It’s the Mercury’s Guide to the HO-HO-HOLIDAYS!

Featuring advice you need to navigate the highs and lows of the holiday season.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

With election season in the rearview, it’s time to focus on the next upcoming traumatic event: THE HOLIDAYS. (Seriously, can we just have one 10-minute break from *waves arms frantically* everything??) Let’s face it: As joyful and fun as they can be, the holidays are also exhausting and take a lot of physical and emotional effort. That said, there are ways to get through the holiday season with your sanity intact, but it does take some brain training—and that’s exactly what we’re aiming to help you do with our annual Mercury holiday guide! (Pick yours up in print at more than 500 locations across Portland!)

That’s right, we’ve got lots of solid, no-nonsense advice gathered by the Mercury’s best writers and Portland’s top experts. Here’s just a sneak peek at some of the articles that can provide a lot of mental solace this holiday season:

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:40 AM

THE TRASH REPORT: 2024—the Year in TRASH

Follow us down memory lane for the best and worst trash of 2024!

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024—a year that I could best describe as “a year that happened.”

January 8 

I hate to break it to us, but despite anyone’s resolutions, this is probably not going to be a year when anybody becomes better. You know how in professional sports, when a bunch of the big names have retired or left and then it’s just rookies and no-names, they call it a “Rebuilding Year”? 2024 will be the opposite of that for us. A destroying year. All of us are going to get worse, it’s just a matter of how quickly, and how much. 

February 12

I am all about the monoculture and I love to love things, but I am so tired of football and Taylor Swift! No more brain space; I simply cannot. I mean look: Am I glad she made it to the game in time after her Tokyo shows? Yes. Do I think this was a challenge or hardship for her when she has her own airplane and team of professionals to ensure it happens comfortably and efficiently? No. Am I impressed that her lipstick always looks so damn good? Yes. Did I like her pants? No, I hated them. Do I think it’s hilarious that Republicans hate Taylor Swift so much that they’d rather root for the team out of San Francisco than the corn-fed midwestern one? Yes, a thousand times yes, this is incredible, put it in my veins. Will I listen to her new album? OBVIOUSLY. But that’s it! No more thoughts!!

April 1 

The world has gone country, and by that I mean we have all been listening to Beyoncé’s latest album Cowboy Carter all weekend. I’m a fan! Several years ago I found a pair of those magical thrift store cowboy boots that somehow both fit perfectly and are extremely cool, and I always knew there was a reason to hang on to them. I’m excited to plan an outfit to wear to her next concert that probably won’t come anywhere near Portland anyway. A girl can dream. That’s country. 

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:36 AM

Father Christmas, Bring Us Some Snow Plows

Christmas came early for these city bureaus and agencies. Let’s see what ‘Taxpayer Santa’ brought them!

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

What you do with your money is nobody’s business, but what the government does with your money is everyone’s business. 

At a time of year when parents across the nation get suckered into splurging on pricey, short-lived toys (sorry, but your kid is never gonna learn to play that keyboard and there’s a good chance that Easy-Bake Oven will burn your house down), we set out to see which public agencies and city bureaus received the biggest, coolest, and most expensive toys—thanks to you and your tax dollars. 

While these agencies may have been blessed with many of the toys on their wish lists, we know austerity measures are coming. The Portland mayor’s office recently offered a budget preview that reveals city bureaus will likely need to cut another 5 percent from their budgets in the upcoming fiscal year. If that sounds like a bone dry way of explaining the city’s money sitch, imagine if you already had to cancel all your streaming services and lower your grocery bill last year, and now you have to cut even more expenses, to the point where you’re considering cancelling your internet service and just stealing the shoddy WiFi signal from that coffee shop down the street.

And though the government shopping sprees may be coming to an end for now, let’s take stock of some big-ticket toys, tools, and trucks that taxpayers recently bought for our public agencies. Show this to your kids to explain why “Santa” had to scale back this year.

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:34 AM

New Marie Equi Day Center Offers
 Unhoused LGBTQ+ Portlanders
 Resources and Hope

With new digs and funding, a local nonprofit is helping queer and trans residents find safety, and a path off the streets.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

In October, Portland’s first day center for unhoused queer and trans people opened in Southeast.

The Marie Equi Center’s new Brooklyn neighborhood day shelter is intended to welcome visitors “just coming in to regulate their nervous systems in the space and hang out, or to get connected to our peer services,” center director Katie Cox said.

“We say that we’re a really LGBTQ-affirming city and space, but the services and the infrastructure have needed more support,” Cox said. The new funding, which comes from Metro’s Supportive Housing Services tax revenue via Multnomah County, “feels like folks putting their money where their mouth is,” Cox added.

Peer support and community health workers are on-site to offer basic wound care, emotional support, recovery mentoring, health education, referrals, and assistance navigating social service systems. But the 13,000-square-foot Trans & Queer Service Center also has space for visitors to come in off the street to simply sit and decompress. 

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:32 AM

A Major (League) Undertaking

The Portland Diamond Project wants tobring pro baseball to Portland—but will it get the love and money needed to survive?

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

The Portland Diamond Project has been working to bring a Major League Baseball team to the Rose City for the better part of six years—taking meetings, selling merchandise, and, most importantly, trying to secure a site to build a new stadium. 

Now, however, things may be changing. In September, the group announced it had signed a letter of intent to purchase Zidell Yards—a 33-acre former shipyard that has long sat vacant on the South Waterfront. 

It is, in a number of ways, an ideal site. Zidell Yards is relatively centrally located, has strong transit connections to the rest of the city and beyond, and could become the nexus of a larger redevelopment of the south end of the city center. 

In a press release announcing the letter of intent, Mayor Ted Wheeler said he believes the project is moving in the right direction. 

“This is a big moment for Portland,” Wheeler said. “This is a tremendous opportunity to shape our waterfront, create new economic opportunities, and build a vibrant and sustainable neighborhood.”

It’s not just Wheeler who is optimistic—the outgoing Portland City Council voted unanimously in favor of a resolution supporting the Portland Diamond Project’s efforts to land a team. Wheeler said the resolution signaled the city is “ready to make commitments.”

Per its agreement with ZRZ Real Estate, a Zidell family business, Portland Diamond Project now has 42 months to complete its purchase of the property. That likely means it has just three-and-a-half years to convince Major League Baseball that it should expand to Portland—and, in tandem, to convince Portland that it needs an MLB team. 

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:30 AM

STREET VIEW: Gravel in the Bike Lane

PBOT’s maintenance woes aren’t just a problem for people who travel by car.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

In the bike-friendly cities of Northern Europe, a phrase is sometimes used to lightly chastise those who are intimidated to cycle in the rain: “You’re not made of sugar.” That is, you can get a little wet—you won’t melt. 

But not all rainy cities are created equal. The “sugar” sentiment is easier applied in places like the Netherlands and Denmark, where people on bikes dominate the streets all year long, even in the cold, wet months. The bike capitals of the world, many of which are hardly tropical paradises, were purposefully designed to treat people traveling outside of cars as worthy of quality amenities. And a lot of that comes down to the state of the pavement. 

Here in Portland, our streets—including the bike lanes—could (surprise!) use some work. The Portland Bureau of Transportation (PBOT) has a roughly $6 billion maintenance backlog, mainly consisting of unmet pavement needs on busy and local streets, which has failed to be adequately tempered by funding sources like the gas tax. And as Portland’s street maintenance needs have become more apparent, gripes about PBOT’s priorities have gotten louder. 

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:26 AM

Portland’s Top Holiday Events: A Critical Review

The best traditional events—and how they can be improved.
You’re welcome.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

When it comes to holiday traditions, Portland is horny as all get-out.

We love cramming as much festivity into our festivities as possible—regardless of how tiresome or long-in-the-tooth those annual events have become. What follows is a critical examination of Portland’s most time-honored holiday events, and my recommendations on how they can be improved. (Don’t remember asking me for my opinion? Trust me, it’s never necessary… I have so many! In fact, when it comes to opinions, many people think I’m “full of it.” And there’s a lot more where those came from, so let’s read some now!)

PEACOCK LANE

eliza sohn

Description: Peacock Lane is a four-block stretch in Southeast Portland between Stark and Belmont, where many of the home owners go to great lengths to cram every inch of their property with lights and other Jesus and Santa-themed ephemera. During the holiday season the street is jam-packed with thousands of looky-loos on foot and in cars.

The problem: I don’t get it. I mean, I get why the residents do it… you can tell they’ve worked their collective asses off constructing these front lawn art installations, and some (for example, the Grinch house) are goddamn masterpieces. But it’s like if the Portland Art Museum was suddenly filled with thousands of people—including their dogs, snot-nosed kids, and wildly inappropriate double strollers—half of whom are either stoned out of their gourds or 10 seconds away from a rage-fueled meltdown. In short, there are… Too. Many. People!

The solution: A zip line. It’s a well accepted fact that zip lines improve most situations. Sure, they’re useful for getting from one side of a canyon to another, or traversing a tree canopy in Guatemala, but they can be just as useful in an urban environment! Las Vegas is famous for having a zip line that goes from one end of the historic Fremont Street to the other, and it’s a FANTASTIC way to see the sights quickly, efficiently, and to let your vomit rain down upon spandex-wearing moms who did not get the memo that it’s FUCKING RUDE to bring their double strollers to a place where thousands of people are trying to walk. Also if you happen to be high—and SO MANY OF YOU ARE—riding a zip line is AH-MAY-ZING, and will stop you from blocking the sidewalk whenever you slip into an extended Christmas light-induced trance. Trust me, install a zip line over Peacock Lane, charge $15 a ride, and the city’s budget will be funded for lifetimes.

Peacock Lane, between SE Stark & Belmont, Dec 15-31, car-free nights Dec 15 & 16, 6 pm-11 pm, free, keep your fucking double strollers at home

WINTER WONDERLAND:
HOLIDAY LIGHTS AT PORTLAND INTERNATIONAL RACEWAY

Sunshine division

Description: Roughly two miles of racetrack decorated with various illuminated and animated holiday figures, including reindeer, snowboarding Santas, dinosaurs, all 12 days of Christmas, a lone menorah, and much more.

The problem: Well, the most obvious problem is that you can’t race. You creep around the track behind a long line of vehicles at around 10 mph—but actually that’s kind of nice, because you seriously do not want to miss the animated dinosaurs. All in all, it’s great… it just needs a couple more levels of excitement, which leads me to….

The solution: First, you could pay teenagers to dress up like the Terminator, wrap them in holiday lights, and have them chase the cars on foot. (I doubt you’d even have to pay them.) OR you could do what I’ve done every season for the past 10 years, which is LET YOUR CHILDREN DRIVE THE CAR! The moment I pay admission and enter the track, I say, “Okay… who’s driving?” The first five minutes are taken up by backseat fistfights to see who gets to drive first. Once that’s decided, they hop behind the steering wheel. Obviously if their feet can’t reach the pedals, you should let them sit in your lap—but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you EVER touch the steering wheel… because where’s the fun in that? They have to learn to drive somehow, and if that means occasionally careening off the track and into one of the 10 lords a’leaping (for his life), then so be it. The best part? There’s not a cop in sight. That’s a true “winter wonderland!”

Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory Blvd, Nov 29-Dec 31, Mon-Thurs 5 pm-10 pm, Fri-Sun 4:30 pm-11 pm, $49 per carload

THE 33rd ANNUAL TUBA
CHRISTMAS CONCERT

K. Marie

Description: More than 200 tubas take to Pioneer Square to play an array of oompah-rific Christmas songs.

The problem: There is not a single problem with this.

The solution: Look, hearing 200 tubas blaring “Sleigh Ride” across the city is hard to beat. But anything can be improved, right? For example, what if all these tubas were playing “Holly Jolly Christmas,” when suddenly, marching up Sixth Avenue were 200 people playing Christmas songs on what’s known as the tuba’s natural enemy… the saxophone? Ooooooh, tuba players HATE saxophonists, and for good reason. They tend to be morally repugnant individuals who throw their dog’s poop bags into your recycling bin, and regularly destroy any decent song with their ceaseless and unasked-for squawking (take David Bowie’s “Young Americans” for example). Anyway, the 200 saxophonists would call the 200 tubaists into the street for a “Christmas song smack-down” to settle once and for all which is the superior instrument. (We all know it’s the tuba, but there’s no convincing these detestable saxophoneys.) The winners would continue the Pioneer Square concert, as the losers marched to the Morrison Bridge to throw their instruments into the murky depths of the Willamette—never to play again! It’s called “raising the stakes”—and there’s simply not enough of that at Christmas time.

Tuba Christmas Concert, Pioneer Courthouse Square, Sat Dec 21, 1:30 pm, free

THE HOLIDAY EXPRESS

Anthony keo / oregon rail heritage center

Description: The Holiday Express is a vintage (TOOT! TOOOOOOT!) 1912 Polson #2 steam locomotive that transports kids and families from the Oregon Rail Heritage Center—porn for train nerds—and along the Willamette River for roughly a couple miles until returning to its starting point. Each train car is heated and decorated in lights and holiday finery, and… at some point… Santa shows up!

The problem: Mmmmm… other than Santa showing up, it’s kinda boring? (Unless you’re a train nerd, but you’re going to be too busy asking endless, arcane locomotive questions to the conductor—whose soul will leave their body—to be concerned about Santa.)

The solution: Can we PLEASE get a gang of cowboys on horses to rob this muthafukkin’ TRAIN?? Bear with me, and picture it: The holiday train is chugga-chugga-choo-chooin’ and toot-toot-tootin’ down the track without a care in the world… UNTIL. 

Out of the Oaks Bottom wetlands come a gang of ruthless, horse-riding villains who gallop down the bike path before hopping on the train, kicking the door open, and barking, “Git yer hands up, varmints!” Screams ring out from the train car as some passengers faint, and a couple of foolhardy “heroes” get a pistol butt to the noggin for their trouble. The bandits steal wallets, watches, necklaces, and other precious family heirlooms, cackling maniacally… UNTIL. 

A loud bump is heard on the roof, and seconds later, a window smashes as SANTA CLAUS comes bursting into the car! Slowly rising to his feet, Santa strikes a pose and says, “Looks like somebody’s getting added to the naughty list!” And with a mighty swing of his red bag, Santa bowls over three of the villains, delivers a sharp uppercut to another, and sends a fifth tumbling off the train with a vicious kick to the scrabble bag… UNTIL.

The ringleader grabs a crying child, puts a six-shooter to its little head, and growls, “One more step, Santy Claus, and I’ll send this li’l pecker-wood to the pearly gates!” A pause, as everyone in the train car holds their breath, tears streaming down the child’s face, and where the only sound is the repetitive clack-clack-clack of the train’s wheels. 

Slowly, Santa drops his bag, and says, “Well, Desperado Dan”—a stupid name for a stupid criminal—”I guess this is my last… STOP!” Santa yanks the “stop requested” cord hanging from the window, sending the train screeching to an ear-piercing halt, as Desperado Dan stumbles and falls, dropping both child and pistol. Santa quickly pulls the kid to safety, and with a devastating right hook, sends the villain into a coma, from which he will never awaken. The children and adults cheer as Santa throws the unconscious body from the train before turning to ask, “Now who here has a hankerin’ for a candy cane?” The train’s occupants rejoice, and for the first time since the debut of the Holiday Express, it was a train ride—and a Christmas—to remember.

Holiday Express, Oregon Rail Heritage Center, 2250 SE Water, Nov 29-January 4, various times, $25-$105, tickets and info 

Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:24 AM

Let’s Start Things! Let’s End Things!

A witch, an artist, and two mental health
professionals on how to face the New Year.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

The days are short, the rain is acting like someone put out a casting call for a vertical river, and odds are high that you will soon be eating starchy food with people who will be asking you what it is, exactly, that you’ve been doing with your life.

One way of dealing with this long dark night of the soul is to lean into it. What are you doing, exactly? What’s working? What isn’t working? Once the holiday presents are gotten and the festivities are over, what would you like to start doing, what would you like to stop doing, and how? 

These questions are big enough that entire categories of human philosophy and endeavor have been dedicated to answering them. To keep things simple, the Mercury decided to ask representatives of three of them: the arts, psychology, and witchcraft. 

How to End Something
That Isn’t Working

Being miserable is, by definition, not a fun experience. But it can be a very useful signal that it’s time to try something else. “I’m pathologically incapable of doing a job I don’t like,” says Sarah “Shay” Mirk, graphic novelist, former Mercury reporter, and creator of many projects—most recently Crucial Comix, a small press that publishes narrative nonfiction comics and offers classes on comics-making. ”If a project is filling me with dread and I hate doing it, that’s a sign that I should either get out and have somebody else do it, or just be like, never again.” 

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:22 AM

Holidays For Humans

Or, what to say when Aunt Barbara insults your Thanksgiving gravy.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

Back in the olden times, I used to host a public radio show that recorded in front of a live audience. In December of 2011, we decided to do a segment about how to survive the holidays with your family. We brought on Shelley McLendon, a therapist who is also a brilliant comedian and friend, along with my funny, tiny, holiday-elf-like mother to do a little experiment. 

We set up a table where I could make my mom’s famous chocolate peanut butter balls with my mother on one side of me and Shelley on the other. At one point, when my mother was telling me how to make the peanut butter mixture into balls (something I’d been doing myself for years and KNEW HOW TO DO BECAUSE DUH), I asked Shelley what we could say to family members who won’t allow us to create our own versions of family traditions. 

Shelley replied with an oft-repeated phrase among the show staff in the ensuing years: “Isn’t it great that there are so many different ways to do things?” 

The audience laughed. I repeated the phrase to my mother. 

“Y’know what I was just thinking, mom? That it’s really great that there are so many ways to do things.” 

“There are,” my mother replied. “There’s the right way and the wrong way.” 

The audience went feral on me, laughing and whooping for so long that all I could do was stand onstage as the peanut butter ball in my palm turned into a sticky puddle. My mother had roasted me like a Thanksgiving turkey on my own goddamn show and I still bear the emotional scars. 

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:20 AM

Last-Minute Gifts from PDX Airport—That Are Actually Great

In Portland even our airport presents are thoughtful, lovely, and local.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

At 10 pm on Christmas Eve you could generally find my father at an office supply store; the chains used to stay open late (for corporate reasons) even on holidays. The next morning we’d pull thick squares of Post-it notes out of our holiday socks and know it was from Dad, even if he’d signed it “P. A. Perclip.”

Last minute gift buying is a fine tradition. Some may see the practice as thoughtless; I would argue it can be rooted in sweetness. After all, a last minute present is still a present. And now that flying has made it increasingly difficult to travel with gifts—airline luggage charges, unrelenting TSA clerks—you may as well just grab that stuff when you arrive, if you happen to be flying into Portland. 

Visitors may not know that our airport requires shops to maintain “street pricing,” so you won’t pay more for goods at PDX than you would in town.

If you’re flying out, you’re still sitting pretty—provided they’ll let you on the plane with ten boozy advent calendars sticking precariously out of a Powell’s tote. 

Portland airport has seen to it that even last minute presents from PDX are—by nature of the shops onhand—thoughtful, lovely, and local.

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:18 AM

Season’s Reelings:
Your 2024 Holiday Movie Guide

Spend time NOT talking to family with our preview
of the holidays’ most-hyped new releases.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

Holidays are usually meant for time with family, which is obviously why so many people elect to go to the movies on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanks to theaters being open, you now have a ready-made excuse to avoid talking to loved ones for a solid two hours. 

From St. Johns Twin Cinemas to Regal Division Street, every corner of Portland is thriving with film love, be it a first-run chain or local rep theater. So, to gird thy loins for the upcoming high holy days, I’ve assembled a preview of the movies you can see in theaters on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas day when conversation runs as dry as an overcooked bird. 

Thanksgiving (November 28)

Red One

Following the box office shrug that was 2022’s Black Adam, The Rock optimistically reported from the set of Red One that his new blockbuster, co-starring Chris Evans and JK Simmons (as muscle daddy Santa Claus), is a “big, fun, action packed [sic] and fresh new take on Christmas Lore [sic].” After The Rock’s supposed chronic lateness and “unprofessional” on-set behavior helped push Red One to late 2024, this “new take” on the late-December holiday will finally see the overcast light of mid-November. Apparently, when Santa Claus is kidnapped, the head of North Pole security, Callum Drift (Rock), must join forces with world-class bounty hunter (come on now) Jack O’Malley (Evans, seemingly running on fumes), to save Kris Kringle. Whatever. I have no doubt this movie will be excrement, struck with surprisingly upsetting violence splayed against the most conservative values you can carve from a $250 million budget. This comes out on November 15; will it still be in theaters on Thanksgiving? Let’s hope not.

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:16 AM

Zen and the Art of Holiday Pet Sitting

I’m permanently estranged from my family.
Here’s what cats and dogs have taught me.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

From etymonline.com: estrange (v.) late 15c., from French estrangier “to alienate,” from Vulgar Latin *extraneare “to treat as a stranger,” from Latin extraneus “foreign, from without” (see strange). 


I am strange, I am alien, I am a stranger, I am without. Or maybe my family is. It’s difficult to say. Since 2019, I’ve been estranged from my entire family. I won’t bore (or titillate) you with the details of my decision to distance myself from them, but visualize a constellation of generational traumas—nearly every type represented—and you’ll have a general idea. Estrangement is, as the literature says, a last resort. It’s the truth. I never wanted this, but now I’m freer for it.

On most days, the peace of estrangement is one of the most powerful presences in my life. But during the chaotic final months of the year, it begins to feel like a gargantuan gaping wound that anyone—friends, coworkers, baristas—might spot if I’m not careful. People tend to flip out, or at least stare a little, when they see a gargantuan gaping wound. 

So I don’t discuss it. I listen intently as those around me describe their family’s political beliefs and their dad’s rude comments and their brother’s whatever-what-have-you and I share little in response. I frown. I say, “Ugh, that sucks.” And I do mean it.

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Holiday Guide 2024 Today 3:14 AM

Knives Out: An Extremely
 Sharp Holiday Gift Guide

Everybody wants a good knife.
 Here’s where to find the best in the land.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

For your favorite home chef or local line cook, a new knife is a thing of glory—and it’s even better when someone else pays for it. 

We’re here to assure you that—for the right person—the idea of giving someone 12 inches of highly sharpened carbon steel in a wrapped box isn’t a threat. It’s one of the best Christmas presents ever.

“I think a knife is a great gift,” Eytan Zias, who owns Portland Knife House on Southeast Belmont and is a co-founder of Portland’s Steelport Knife Company, which handcrafts its work in Northeast. “There are not many things you can gift to somebody that we all use every day. I don’t know anybody that goes a day without a kitchen knife. Even if someone is a knife collector, they always want another knife.”

But choosing the right knife for the right chef is a bit of an alchemy, which Zias says people often liken to how Harry Potter picks his wand. “I consider it a compliment,” he says, laughing. “We’ll filter 700 knives down to seven, and those are the ones you’ll put your hands on.”

With so many options out there, we asked the experts for their advice, honed over many years in the industry, on how to pick the best knife for yourself or a lucky recipient.

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Fairytale of Old Portland

A love letter to a less shiny city, and the teenagers, insomniacs,
and eccentrics who populated it.

[Editor's note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!]

It was December 25, 2013, and everyone in the gay steakhouse was getting amiably drunk.

It was one of those Portland winters that was cold and wet and absolutely miserable to be out in, and I had to work. But before that I was going to pre-spend my holiday pay on a fancy dinner—or at least the fanciest dinner I could afford working the graveyard shift for a bit more than minimum wage. Starky’s was what you’d affectionately call an “establishment.” It wasn’t a dive, but it was dive-adjacent: Formica tables, napkins for coasters, stately framed prints of drag queens and bodybuilders on the peach pink walls. In the summer they ran a raunchy charity car wash you could hear from blocks away. In the fall and spring, the iron-fenced patio always had a handful of elegant old swains sipping cocktails while they watched the world go by. In the winter they were open on Christmas Eve.

People who go to bars on major holidays often exist on the margins of society. Drunks, malcontents, lost souls estranged from religion or tradition, those who have no family or are burdened by what family they have. And folks who just can’t afford not to work. I didn’t take an inventory of my fellow travelers, but I’m sure there was the usual mix of those usual suspects, along with the clientele of a relaxed neighborhood gay bar: pretty Midwesterners with sad eyes, pairs of middle-aged husbands who didn’t want to cook, the aforementioned swains. Some were socializing like it was an office holiday party, others were lost in thought as we studied our mashed potatoes for clues to the human condition as freezing rain whipped against the windows. I’d like to say that “Fairytale of New York” came on the jukebox and we all got misty and sang along, but I suspect if anyone made a move to change the Britney Spears music video on the wall TV there’d have been a riot. But I still left feeling better about the world.

“Old Portland” is a moving target, but it’s not ephemeral. It began when you found somewhere in this city that welcomed you and ended when it was torn down to make way for a condo. Townies my age wax rhapsodic about all-ages music venues like La Luna and Meow Meow, about the Church of Elvis, the terrible service at The Roxy, stiff drinks at Club 21, late night LAN parties at Backspace. We like to talk about how you could smoke in bars, even though most of us have long since quit. But previous generations had their own haunts and hollows: jazz clubs and punk houses that lived and died and exist now only in memory. It’s not like they sold tickets to Old Portland and we’ve got the stubs in a shoebox somewhere.

What I suspect we’re all nostalgic for is the feeling, however subjective, that the margins of society were a bit wider, and more people could afford to exist in them. That Portland was not a precision machine. It had looser tolerances than today. There were poorly-optimized businesses in the service of teenagers, insomniacs, artists, and eccentrics, alongside the usual cadre of office workers and serious restaurateurs that all cities need to function. When those places went away they were rarely replaced. Willamette Week’s Aaron Mesh once wrote, “Every generation gets the ruining of Portland it deserves,” and it’s as true today as it was in 2015 when they tore down Starky’s to make way for the 46 modern apartment units that sit there now.

Cities change and culture shifts. Style moves from hard forms to soft, sarcasm makes way for sincerity, the rebels sell out and so on. But these cycles aren’t arbitrary. They are shaped by market forces and public policy. Coffee shops used to have couches so that people would hang out in them, fill those spaces with the sounds of awkward first dates and someone scribbling the first chapter of a terrible novel. Coffee shops aren’t soft anymore. They’re full of angular, industrial surfaces, because to make rent this month they need several hundred people to buy eight dollar macchiatos and fuck off somewhere else.

The Portland of today is shinier than the Portland of my youth. There are luxury retailers and well-moisturized influencers and futuristic cube houses with two-Cybertruck garages. Presumably this was done because the hippie granola markets and communist bookstores and neighborhood dives that were already here don’t pull the property taxes needed to fund a proper 21st Century metropolis. Our city fathers promised us prosperity if we’d only sacrifice a couple of eyesores on the altar of urban renewal and mixed-use development. It’s a bargain many willingly made, perhaps believing that for once in human history the rising tide would lift all boats. The bodies of the displaced lying in our streets seem to say otherwise.

Someday this city will be a vast and uniform sea of tasteful residential buildings named after the ugly and interesting places they replaced: the needle parks we walked past on the way to school, the cart pods where you could get a pretty good gyro, bars like Starky’s where neighbors gathered on holidays in defiance of the shitty weather. They’ll have large matte photos in the lobby of musicians who couldn’t afford to live there and gig work security guards to shoo away any indigents who get close to the property line. That’s progress, I suppose.

We miss Old Portland not because it was cheaper or somehow more authentic, but because of the people it once accommodated. We miss the sense of community that animated those old, demolished buildings, that warmed them in the way that only old buildings full of people talking can be warm. Every day we’re tested, and no more so than during the holidays, by how we welcome the strangers in our midst. I was a stranger once and found welcome in a neighborhood bar that’s not there anymore. I hope it can be found again somewhere new.