ONE DAY AT A TIME

MONDAY, MARCH 16 Greetings from Tinselturd, dears!
We’d love to make small talk, but frankly, we don’t have
time—this gossip-filled week is bursting at the seams worse than
Mo’Nique in a Gucci string bikini! First and foremost, perennial
One Day targets Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have taken a one-way trip… to Splitsville! “It’s humiliating. To say
her feelings are hurt is an understatement,” a source blabbed to The
Sun. The source also claimed that the horse-faced Aniston felt
“angry and used” in the relationship. (Confidential to “J.M.”:
Quick, to the feed store! If you purchase their finest feedbag
and their most delicately wrought horseshoes, you might still have a
chance!)

TUESDAY, MARCH 17 Quelle surprise—“J.M.” didn’t
take our advice! Today John Mayer’s Twitter feed read, “This heart
didn’t come with instructions.” Urk… urk… ugh…
phew! Excuse us, dears. For a moment there, we almost threw up
in our mouth—just as we did last week, when we read how comedian
Jamie Kennedy went on Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show to
discuss his relationship with ghost whisperer Jennifer Love
Hewitt. “We’re more than dating… we’re more than in love…. We
have an intense connection,” Kennedy swooned, before going
all-out with a Twilight reference: “She’s my Bella. I
don’t want to bite her neck, but I want her to live.” Uh oh. Here it
comes again—urk… urk…. Okay, all better. Now:
Celebrity men? Please stop talking like 12-year-old girls.
Thanks.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18 As everyone knows, we’re totes in love
with President Barack Obama. But we have to say it: Sometimes we
wish we’d voted for a samurai warlord instead. At the very
least, Barack should consider a proposal from Iowa Senator Charles
Grassley, who weighed in on how AIG execs should be punished
for their shameful acceptance of extravagant (and taxpayer-supplied)
bonuses. “I suggest, you know, obviously, maybe they ought to be
removed,” Grassley said in an interview. “But I would suggest the first
thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them [is] if
they’d follow the Japanese example and come before the American
people and take that deep bow and say, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then either do
one of two things: resign or go commit suicide.” We should make
it perfectly clear, dears, that we aren’t condoning Senator
Grassley’s plan—but we would like to just put it out there that
if such a public display of seppuku were to happen, it
would probably be pretty therapeutic, right? MEANWHILE… Times
are tough, but don’t think AIG execs are the only ones who have it
bad—Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha
Ronson are also struggling! “Lindsay is spending like crazy! She’s
living on credit right now!” a source spilled to the New York Daily
News. “The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Sam’s,
because Lindsay doesn’t really have any of her own at the moment… Sam
really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a
recessionista and manage her money better.” Okay, first?
“Recessionista” is officially the most depressing term ever.
Second? The News goes on to report that Linds is still able to
purchase things like a $30,000 Rolex and a $100,000
Maserati. You see, people? The recession is affecting all of
us. In times like these, it’s more important than ever for us to
support each other. And also for LiLo to start swinging by the house of
yours truly to give us a lift to the manicurist. If we run over an AIG
exec or two along the way, it’ll be downright patriotic.

THURSDAY, MARCH 19 Watch out, rock stars: Hannah
Montana star Miley Cyrus is miffed at Radiohead!
Us reports that when Miley tried to use her celeb clout to hang
out backstage at the Grammys with the band, Radiohead laughed her off.
“Stinkin’ Radiohead!” the 16-year-old Miley later snapped during a
radio interview. “I’m gonna ruin them. I’m gonna tell everyone,”
Miley continued, talking about how another band, Coldplay, was
more than happy to meet her: “Coldplay was so nice!” Cyrus gushed.
“Chris Martin hung out with me the whole time!” Radiohead’s
spokesperson responded to Cyrus’ adorable threat in probably the best
way possible: “When Miley grows up, she’ll learn not to have a sense
of entitlement.” Oh, snap, Radiohead’s spokesperson! (Also, where
is Radiohead from again? Certainly not America. Child stars getting
less entitled as they age? What kind of craziness is that?)

FRIDAY, MARCH 20 Remember when adorable Portlander Leanne
Marshall won Project Runway? Then you’ll also remember
bratty Kenley Collins, the wannabe winner who went out of her
way to cause problems with her co-stars and squabble with
Runway’s queen bee, Heidi Klum! Well, as eventually
happens with all failed reality show contestants, Kenley has been
arrested. According to TMZ.com,
Kenley “attacked her sleeping ex-fiancé with anything she
could get her hands on—including a cat, a laptop,
several apples, and finally… water,” and was “arrested
and charged with six crimes—including second-degree assault,
third-degree assault, and criminal possession of a weapon in the fourth
degree.” (Wait a minute! Cats are a “weapon in the fourth degree”? Come
on. If—hypothetically—we might have, just one
time, thrown our sweetums Professor Cuddleston at Hubby
Kip after he put our new Missoni sweater in the dryer? We’re pretty
sure that crime could only be classified as “adorable to the 10th degree.”)

SATURDAY, MARCH 21 Sorry to break it to you, ladies, but
former child star Danny Bonaduce is engaged! “He proposed a
whole bunch of times over the last couple of years, but you know, it’s
never quite official until you have a ring on your finger,” said
26-year-old, apparently blasé Amy Railsback, whom
Us describes as “a former teacher who now works as Bonaduce’s
manager.” (Forgive us, readers, but we initially misread that as “a
former teacher who now works as a Bonaduce’s
manager”—which gave us a nightmare-inducing image of a chain of
Bonaduce-owned, Partridge Family-themed restaurants, possibly
Fuddruckers or T.G.I. Friday’s-like in appearance and cuisine.
Shudder. We’re gonna need a few extra Ambien tonight!)
“Bonaduce, 49, popped the question on March 12 with a sterling silver
skull and crossbones ring,” Us continues, with Railsback
noting that, naturally, the skull ring has “rubies in the eyeball[s].”
MEANWHILE… Perhaps the Bonaduces (Bonaduci?) can turn to
Ashton Kutcher for marital advice! According to E!, Kutcher has
been Twittering all sorts of knowledge about how to attain marital
bliss—and using his marriage with 167-year-old blushing bride
Demi Moore for examples. Class is in session! “Greatest lesson
in my marriage. Don’t try to solve her problems, just listen, love, and
be supportive. This is the opposite of male nature.” Lesson two! “2nd
greatest lesson. When she says time for bed… hop to, good
things await.” We should probably note that Ashton, classy
as he is, followed that last post with a picture of Demi wearing a
bikini and bending over. Kutcher wrote of the image, “Shhh.
Don’t tell wifey.” Hmm, that’s odd… there’s that strange
sensation again… oh, right. Urk. Urk. Just a bit of
bile, everyone. No need to be concerned—it’s gone back down now.
(Thanks for that, Ashton.)

SUNDAY, MARCH 22 Brace yourself, America: Matt Lauer has had a bicycle accident involving a deer,
causing him to miss at least one Today show appearance. According to People, Meredith Vieira, Lauer’s
Today co-host, broke the news to a shocked nation, saying only
that Lauer was riding his bicycle and “encountered a deer while he was
on the road.” According to a wisecracking Vieira, Lauer “thinks the
deer was hired by the competition!” “You’re goddamn straight it was
‘hired by the competition!'” the usually jovial Al Roker screamed as he was led away in handcuffs and leg irons. “You’ve escaped
me this time, Lauer, but I’ll get you if it takes 1,000 fawns!” Once in
prison, a sneering Kenley Collins chastised Roker. “Like,
everyone knows you use something with claws,” Collins lectured
the weatherman. “Either that, or you just make that chick from
Friends feel all ‘angry and used.’ Or call her ‘Rachel.’ She’ll
go crazy with the snorting and the trampling!”