One Day at a Time

MONDAY, JULY 29

In a startling turn of events, a pope said something today that was actually reasonable. In an interview aboard the papal aircraft (which we’ve nicknamed, “Our Airline of Perpetual Sorrows”), Pope Francis was asked how he felt about gay priests and responded, “We shouldn’t marginalize people for this.” Wait. Wait, wait, wait, waitwaitwaitwaitWAIT. Did he understand the question? Apparently so, because Pope Francis continued, “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord, and has good will, who am I to judge?” Waaaaait, wait, wait, waitwaitwaitwaitwaitWAIT. Who are you to judge? YOU’RE THE POPE. The pope judges EVERYTHING. The pope is the judgiest judge that has ever been asked not to judge! The pope is judgier than Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, and Judge Dredd combined. What’s the pope going to say next? “Man, this pointy hat of mine looks really stupid. I want one like those guys wear in Entourage!” We don’t know what is going on here… but the guy who said that? Not the pope! That is an insanely reasonable thing to say, which means this pope is either a celebrity impersonator, or a robot. Or the Catholic Church has just taken a huge step into the 21st century. Nah, probably a robot. MEANWHILE… According to TMZ, soon-to-be-released rehabber Lindsay Lohan has decided to cut all “toxic” people out of her life—so she made two lists: one of good friends, and one for evil soul suckers. And according to a source, a whopping “80 people were on the cut list”! Eighty people? We can only think of 20 to put on our toxic list (which is primarily Kim Kardashian and Al Qaeda)!

TUESDAY, JULY 30

Congratulations to Lindsay Lohan, who (“toxic friends” list in hand) was released from rehab today! What’s next for the newly (and hopefully permanently) sober Lohan? Living for the next few days with a Los Angeles-based “sober coach” (we want!), therapy sessions three times a week for the next 16 months (no thanks!), and guest hosting the Chelsea Lately show while regular host Chelsea Handler is on vacation. Kudos to Handler for being so trusting—we wouldn’t let Lindsay babysit our sister’s kids. (Note: We hate our sister’s kids.) MEANWHILE… Fucking Justin Bieber. According to his overworked, beleaguered publicist, fucking Justin Bieber did NOT spit on a bunch of his fans from a hotel balcony. “In fact… Justin brought his fans hot chocolate and played them some of his new music,” the publicist clearly lied, before adding, “At what point does the media have to have some kind of standard or some kind of integrity?” We’ll think about that… as soon as we wipe fucking Justin Bieber’s saliva out of our eyes and get tested for hep.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31

Don’t worry, Amanda Bynes! We’re going to check in on your psychological well being, too! As you undoubtedly recall, AmBy was taken in for a “psychiatric hold” after she was caught setting a random old person’s driveway on fire and inadvertently dousing her Pomeranian in gasoline. (Yes, yes… the dog’s fine—is that all you people care about?) Today a snoopy source tells TMZ that Amanda is doing “remarkably better” after staff doctors at the psychiatric hospital began treating her with a “schizophrenia cocktail.” (YUM! We’ll take ours with vermouth!) TMZ goes on to add that “in the last three days, Amanda has stopped talking to herself, and stopped insulting people… even saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you.'” Hopefully this cocktail combo of meds will have Amanda out of the hospital in no time, where she’ll hop back on her Twatter machine and write, “@Drake U not ugly. Will u please murder my vagina and thank u.”

THURSDAY, AUGUST 1

Remember that delicious rumor about pop star Katy Perry jumping on Robert Pattinson’s sparkle stick after he had broken up with cheating tramp Kristen Stewart? “NOT TRUE,” says KatP, who in an interview with Elle, claims to have even texted KStew about it. “I sent [Kristen] a text saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.'” There are two things to take away from this: (1) Katy Perry’s tits are indeed unfortunate, and (2) When she says, “I am not that person,” Katy is directly referring to Kristen who absolutely is a lying cheating tramp and the textbook definition of “that person.” Sooo… good text, Katy!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 2

We regret, dears, that every once in a while—every once in a great while—we fail to report on a matter of importance. Alas, such a lapse occurred last week. So now—with our sincere apologies—a major story that we did not give appropriate attention to, via the New York Post‘s Pulitzer-winning headline department: “Hugh Jackman: I Have Sex Dressed as Wolverine.” Ahem. “He enjoys wearing the full Wolverine costume (blades and all) to bed,” writes the Post. “The sheets we go through…” Jackman laughed, while his wife, Deborra-Lee Furness, added that she also makes her husband use the claws for mixing salad. “That’s quite an interesting issue, actually,” Hubby Kip, the Romano household’s resident X-Men expert, noted (after insisting that I refer to him as—ugh—an “X-pert“). “You see, Annie, due to Wolverine’s mutant healing powers, his refractory period would no doubt be much faster than an ordinary man’s,” Kip continued. “No doubt, wearing the costume helps Hugh achieve a similar sort of—” MOVING ON. And with that, our husband manages to ruin even something as simple and beautiful and pure as a Hugh Jackman sex fantasy. Hopefully he’ll die before we get too depressed.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3

Jenny McCarthy—crusader against immunizations, fluoride, and common sense—has found something she’s actually in favor of: nicotine! The dimwit Playboy model is now a spokesperson for blueCigs, one of the companies making “electronic cigarettes,” which heat liquid nicotine but avoid creating smoke—thus allowing reeking, tooth-rotted smokers to actually hang out with other people again. The Associated Press notes that in new commercials, McCarthy boasts that e-cigs won’t scare “that special someone away” and she can now kiss without tasting “like an ashtray.” (True, there isn’t any scientific evidence yet that e-cigs are healthier than traditional cigarettes—but when has stupid “science” ever been a problem for McCarthy?) “The ads, themes, and messages are precisely the same [as those] used by the tobacco industry for decades that made these products so appealing to young people,” says Matt Myers of the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids. “For an industry that wants to project itself as helping to solve the tobacco problem, they’re behaving just like the tobacco industry in its worst days.” INCORRECT, MATT MYERS! They’ve hired Jenny McCarthy. That’s far, far beyond any evil that the tobacco industry ever did.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 4

Leah Remini—former star of The King of Queens, former member of the Church of Scientology—continues to zip right on up our favorite people list after telling Us that she’s writing a tell-all memoir about her experiences with the cult! “It will include my experiences, everything that’s taboo to talk about,” Remini promised. Leah, honey? So long as it doesn’t feature a foreword by Kevin James, we will be buying this the second it comes ou—THIS JUST IN! “Well, well! Well! It seems as if someone has decided non-disclosure agreements no longer apply to them!” screeched Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. “No matter! For I, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, am proud to announce that on the same day that foul betrayer Remini releases her lie-filled ‘tell-all,’ I too shall release my own memoir, tentatively titled A Dream of Conquest, A Dream of Blood: The First Three Extragalactic Megacycles of a Rigellian Life. Being the story of my early solar-spans and, of course, my divine interactions with the benevolent space-spirit of L. Ron Hubbard, it will also detail my genocidal military campaigns of the Betaquad Cluster, as well as lighthearted jokes, riddles, and brain-teasers. Combining the best parts of Tom Clancy, Nicholas Sparks, Stephenie Meyer, Gragrorth the Cruel, and John Irving—yet told entirely in rhyming verse!—A Dream of Conquest, A Dream of Blood will no doubt be a bestseller across the quadrant! And unlike that awful Remini claptrap, my book will have pictures. I think it’s clear which one will be more accurate.”