MONDAY, OCTOBER 26 In an event that shook the already mentally
unstable Scientology community to its core, a former high-level
Hollyweird celeb has resigned from the church. Director/writer
Paul Haggis (Crash, Million Dollar Baby) wrote an
extremely huffy letter to Scientology mouthpiece Tommy Davis,
chastising him and the church for refusing to condemn the Church of
Scientology in San Diego for publicly supporting Proposition
8—California’s anti-same sex marriage legislation. “The
church’s refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots,
hypocrites, and homophobes is cowardly,” Haggis furiously wrote. “I
can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to
consent.” In an effort to get Haggis to return to the fold, the
following response was drafted by the highest-ranking member of the
Church of Scientology, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII.
“Salutations, Paul,” Klaktu wrote via interstellar holomail. “After
reading your letter, I became so enraged I spat out my Belagardian
brain maggots. I’ll have you know that some of my best minions are
gays. One is cleaning the algae from my tentacles as I speak! On
behalf of the entire church, may I reiterate that we do not nor shall
we ever discriminate. By the end of this millennium, you will
all become our mindless work drones—whether you be gay,
straight, or feces-eating lizard of Tangor. So reconsider your
foolish resignation, earthling scum! Or forget Hollywood—I shall
ensure you never work in the sub-universe again! (P.S. Seriously…
please come back, Paul. Don’t leave me here alone with Tom and Jenna
Elfman.)”
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27 If you’ve ever wished for the lowliest scum in
Tinselturd to come together in one convenient reality show, today your
dreams have been answered! Because according to In Touch magazine, Jon Gosselin (formerly of Jon & Kate Plus
Eight) has reportedly agreed to star in a new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman, infamously known as
“Octomom“! The show’s pilot will be called Jon – Kate =
Jon + Octomom (!!!) and if the press release is to be believed,
will follow Jon “as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom
could really be like,” and musing on the possibility of marriage
with Suleman and raising (wait for it) 22 kids. You know what
this show is missing? The ghost of JonBenét Ramsey. HOLD ON!
THIS JUST IN. TMZ is now reporting that Gosselin has backed out
of the Octomom project. BOOOOO!!!! Says a statement from Jon’s
agent, “While Jon appreciates the consideration and potential revenues
that it offers, after reviewing with both the management team and his
spiritual advisors, Jon has decided it is not in his best
interest to pursue a show of this nature.” Wait… who are these
so-called “spiritual advisors”? Unless it’s a group made up of Spencer
and Heidi Pratt, Joey Buttafuoco, Tonya Harding, Courtney Love,
and Lindsay Lohan’s herpes sore, they should BUTT OUT!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28 Let’s take a few steps up (but only a few)
from the sub-basement of celebrity sludge to share some late-breaking
news regarding Levi Johnston’s penis. Us magazine
breathlessly reported today that Johnston (best known for fathering
Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandchild) will be bearing all for
his November Playgirl shoot, including the veiny
appendage that previously made its home in Bristol Palin’s vaheena. Johnston’s unironically awesome manager Tank
Jones told the magazine, “[Johnston’s] pumped! He’s ready
to
shock the world. The hell with 15 minutes. As a matter of fact, when I
picked him up, he came out of the house naked.” Johnston
reportedly shrugged and responded, “I just get naked. That’s what I
do.” Okay, how does this sound for a reality show: Jon + Kate +
Octomom + Levi Johnston = The Four Horse Penises of the
Apocalypse.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29 Apparently Hollywood star and
longtime Michael Jackson booster Elizabeth Taylor really really really REALLY likes the new posthumous MJ concert movie
This Is It. How do we know? Because her twatters tell us so! Here are some choice excerpts from just a few of the dozen
(yes, DOZEN) twatters Liz posted within a 24-hour period. “To say
the man is a genius is an understatement. He cradles each note,
coaxes the music to depths beyond reality….” “I wept from pure joy at
his God-given gift. There will never, ever be the likes of him again.”
“You owe it to yourselves and your loved ones to see this again and
again.” “Memorize it and say to yourselves, ‘I saw genius in my
lifetime.’ I loved genius in my lifetime.” “Michael knew how to put
together every tone, every nuance to make magic… And we have this
piece of film to remind us forever and ever that once there was such a
man. God kissed him.” In a related story: Twatter has shut down
indefinitely due to an advanced case of diabetic shock.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30 Seeing celebs dress up on Halloween is an annual
tradition of awfulness, and no celebs are more awful than the cast of
the Today show! This year, Today‘s
producers decided to dress up their chatterbox hosts as Star Wars
characters: Al Roker was Han Solo, Ann Curry was Darth
Vader, Matt Lauer was Luke Skywalker, Meredith Vieira was
Princess Leia, Kathie Lee Gifford was C-3PO, Natalie
Morales was Queen Padmé Amidala, and Hoda Kotb was
Jedi Hoda Kotb Yoda. Was it embarrassing and awkward? You bet! But it
was all made worthwhile when two midgets hired to wear Ewok
costumes revealed themselves to be thoroughly, delightfully
soused, spending their on-air time kicking each other and trying to
steal booze from a nearby table. After Ann “Buzzkill” Curry tried to
cut the Ewoks off (“You’re not allowed to have vodka!” she hissed,
wrenching a martini out of one of their paws. “No vodka for Ewoks!”),
one Ewok decided it wanted revenge—so it derailed the show by
moonwalking, humping Al Roker’s leg, doing pushups, and
thrusting his furry little pelvis. “I feel so dirty!” Roker
giggled, while a pissy Curry gave the evil eye to the pervy little
Teddy Ruxpin. Hey, NBC? Someone get those drunken little bastards their
own reality show, stat. (Ideally, it should take over
Today‘s timeslot.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31 More proof that celebrities should be banned
from Halloween: Today reality television’s second-most annoying couple,
The Hills‘ Heidi and Spencer Pratt, dressed up as
reality television’s first-most annoying couple, Jon and
Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus Eight! “Halloween
is supposed to be about scary costumes,” the insufferable Spencer
“joked” to Us. “What’s scarier than Speidi Plus Eight?” IN
RELATED NEWS… Heidi and Spencer ruin everything… for
everyone.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1 Poor Jennifer Aniston. Even when
the equine-visaged (not a horse mask, folks!) star manages to hold onto
a man for more than five minutes—in this case, 300 hunk
Gerard Butler—it gets ruined. Today’s ruiner? None
other than (drumroll please)… Lindsay Lohan! Last night at a
fancy-pants party in Morocco—one celebrating the launch of a new
resort—the 39-year-old actor “was spotted kissing the
23-year-old Mean Girls star,” according to the Daily
Mail. “The pair spent much of the night dancing and flirting in the
hotel’s Sanctuary nightclub before eventually leaving the party
together in a golf buggy.” Drive, LiLo and Gerard,
drive! Revel in your forbidden love! Make wild, passionate
coitus in the hot Moroccan sands! (And pray that your little buggy can
outrun a snorting-mad Aniston before she gallops up and tramples you to
death.)
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