MONDAY, MAY 17 Dear readers: If you like “porn,” then you will surely enjoy MONDAY, MAY 17. Porn Item #1: Congratulations, America, your new Miss USA 2010 is gorgeous Iranian Rima Fakih. But before any of you hillbilly racists blow a fuse and vow to create a teabagger flash mob in protest, TMZ reported today that Ms. Fakih is also a former “Stripper 101” pole-dancing champion. And as John Cougar Mellencamp so aptly put it, “Ain’t That America”? Porn Item #2: TV actor David “I played Angel and that meatcake on Bones” Boreanaz—who cheated on his wife with Tiger mistress Rachel Uchitel—is in the soup again, this time for allegedly making illicit whoopee with porn star Gina Rodriguez. FUN FACT: According to Radar Online, Rodriguez—who goes by the screen name Demi Delia, and has starred in such porn classics as Anal Addicts 30, I Came in Your Mom, and The Witches of Breastwick 2—is also the talent manager for Tiger mistress Joslyn James. (It’s only a matter of time before all the shared crabs in Hollyweird will be able to have a reunion.) Porn Item #3: Recently former Hugh Hefner concubine Kendra Wilkinson pitched a hissy fit after discovering someone sold her absolutely filthy homemade sex tape to porny producers Vivid Entertainment. (Rumor has it she considered selling it herself, but waffled, and was ultimately beaten to the punch.) However, Kendra is reportedly less “hissified” now that she is reportedly going to receive 50 percent of all sales generated by her sex tape, which will undoubtedly be a small fortune. In a related story, Hubby Kip suggested that yours truly should make and market a sex tape entitled One Penetration at a Time. We’ve agreed to the title, if the film would primarily involve our fists penetrating his face. The lawyers are talking it over.
TUESDAY, MAY 18 Rrrrowrr! According to the New York Post, fair-weather lesbian Lindsay Lohan is dating a cougar! The older kitty in question is 36-year-old photographer Indrani who shot the beleaguered actress last fall—and while the 23-year-old Lohan denies it, Indrani’s professional partner Marcus Klinko blabbed to the Post that he saw the two “making out.” Meanwhile, Indrani is playing it cagey. “We have been spending a lot of time together,” the lovely golden girl cooed. “Lindsay is somebody who I find fascinating, gorgeous, and extremely smart, as well as super hot.” At this point, Hubby Kip wants us to mention that he’ll be “first in line if there’s ever a sex tape! Hint! Hint!” And we hope he remembers that our FISTS are first in line to penetrate his FACE. Hint. Hint. MEANWHILE… Lindsay may not be dating anyone or doing anything unless she gets her ass back home from the Cannes Film Fest in time for her Thursday probation progress report hearing. As it turns out, she’s only attended 10 of her required 13 alcohol education classes. (Hic! Whoopsie!) However, sources close to the actress say she may miss her flight thanks to all that volcanic ash from Iceland clogging up the sky. (This is of course code for “white powder from Colombia clogging up her nose.”)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 19 In “will Megan Fox ever shut the fuck up?” news, actress/sexpot Megan Fox still adamantly refuses to shut the fuck up. In an interview with Allure magazine, Fox now confesses to suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder—which may be true, since she can’t help but annoy us to death. (HA! We kid. Not really.) “This is a sickness. I have an illness,” she whined to the magazine, adding that she gets super grossed out by public restrooms. “Every time someone uses a bathroom and they flush, all the bacteria is shot up in the air.” Yeah, just like Megan’s performance in Transformers. (We’re sorry, but we’re obsessed with insulting Megan Fox! It’s a sickness.)
THURSDAY, MAY 20 As predicted on Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan missed her court-mandated probation progress report hearing today. (Really, you’re surprised?) But guys! Linds totes has a good excuse this time—one that has nothing to do with volcanic ash! Her passport was stolen while she was in France, and LiLo strongly suspects her evil deadbeat dad Michael Lohan is behind it! “I always said my father had someone do it,” Lindsay told Us magazine—but now’s not the time to point fingers! According to Lindsay’s lawyer, the French police have been alerted and are on the case. EXCEPT THEY HAVEN’T AND THEY AREN’T. TMZ is reporting that despite claims made by Lindy’s reps, the French police have not been contacted and no one has filed a report. Cut to America where the judge who just issued a bench warrant for Lindsay Lohan’s arrest is impatiently drumming her fingers on her desk, while wondering if she should order LiLo’s ankle monitoring bracelet in small, medium, or large.
FRIDAY, MAY 21 [Attention, dears—today’s entry is written by Hubby Kip. We’re sorry, but just do what I do every Friday night: Think of something else until it’s over. It shouldn’t last long.—Ann] Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your years! I’d like to thank Annie for letting me break the following news because it is dear to my heart and way more important than her usual stupid gossip: MEGAN FOX WILL NOT BE IN TRANSFORMERS 3. Obviously this is terrible because if Megan is gone, then… who is next? OPTIMUS PRIME? BUMBLEBEE? SOUNDWAVE? STARSCREAM? It boggles my mind!! “Giving SHIA [LABEOUEEEOUF] a new love interest makes more sense for the story,” an “insider” tells “Deadline” “Hollywood,” but allow me to “retort”: SHENANIGANS! Everyone who has Google Alerts set up for “MEGAN FOX,” “MEGAN FOX NUDE,” and “MEGAN FOX NAKED,” knows Transformers director Michael Bay is just mad because Megan called him “Hitler” in an interview once and said he’s a “nightmare to work for.” (MORAL: Michael Bay is as vindictive as MEGATRON and gets BUTTHURT LIKE A BABY.) Besides, what “new love interest” could possibly be as hot as Megan Fox? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO. (Except for you Annie, I mean! I love you! Don’t be mad!) In summation, this is terrible news and I’d like to conclude today’s Day at a Time by adding that Michael “Hitler” Bay should RETHINK HIS TERRIBLE DECISION before I write several strongly worded comments on the Transformers 3 IMDB page. Good day.
SATURDAY, MAY 22 Oh, LiLo. The perpetually beleaguered Lindsay Lohan was photographed this weekend in Cannes alongside a glass table featuring several lines of cocaine. Linds, naturally, is pleading innocence, despite all evidence to the contrary. “What?!” Lindsay replied via email when asked by Radar Online about the booger sugar. “That’s a setup that’s so untrue.” According to Radar, Linds claims “she didn’t know the powder was on the table.” Oh, c’mon, Lindsay. If there’s one person on earth who can sniff out coke, it’s you, dear. Now you’re just insulting our intelligence.
SUNDAY, MAY 23 The catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico continues to get worse, in large part thanks to BP‘s bumbling efforts to clean up their mess. Too bad our government is proving equally inept! The New York Times reports, “The chief of the Coast Guard, Admiral Thad Allen, acknowledged on Sunday that the government is forced to rely on BP and the private oil sector to try and plug the gusher.” In other words? Things are probably just going to get worse. Sorry again, residents of the Gulf Coast! Between Katrina and this, maybe you should consider moving to somewhere the US government is willing to give a shit about. MEANWHILE… In less depressing news, Britney Spears is Twatter Queen! “Pop princess Britney Spears has surpassed [Ashton Kutcher] with 4,948,848 followers to his 4,943,297,” reports PopEater.com! “This is really amazing! I love you all! I better get busy writing 4,947,608 thank-you notes! U guys make me sooo happy!” Brit-Brit giddily twatted shortly after today’s news broke. Kutcher’s pouty response? “I don’t care.” (Wait—did we say this news was “less depressing”? Whoops! I guess we were wrong about that. Sorry.)
You made 2 mistakes when you labeled Rima Fakih “Iranian”. She’s Lebanese, and Arab-American, not Persian, which are different races.
You do mean “different nationalities,” don’t you jeff? “Races?!” Come on.
No, maxins&arrows, I meant races. Hence “2 mistakes”. The people of Iran are a genetically different race than the people of the surrounding middle eastern countries. Look it up.
To further clarify things for you, what you’re saying is like calling an Indian and a Japanese person the same race, just because they’re both Asian.
Either way she is beautiful, which of course draws Romano’s ire because she is well, let’s just say envious. When she is not rambling on about her allegedly disinterested husband (which we are all utterly sick of hearing about), she is knocking whatever vapid celebrity is more attractive than her. The schtick is old, and thank god you got off Obama. Trust me, the last thing he needs is your support. Sorry you are not a celebrity and allegedly have a lame marriage with some guy with a stupid name, but really are those things that need to be shared with us? Stick to spewing your rather thinly disguised envious vitriol at clowns like Dane Cook.
really throwing old kip under the bus this week, what if the roles were reversed and he kept talking about punching you in the face and what a lame lay you are? nope not funny that way either.
Race, jeff, is a political category. We are of one “race.” Dictionary definitions (such as your claim of authenticity) are still written by people and have little to do with empirical science. And someone who uses race as a category betrays a kind of ‘racism.’
maxisms@arrows:
We are all one SPECIES, and seeing and appreciating a difference in RACE doesn’t equate to discrimination. Are you implying that if someone accepts that there is a noticeable and scientifically measurable difference between one type of person and another, that they’re racist? That’s absurd.
I have a hard time believing you’d use that argument given different circumstances (one where you weren’t left trying to cover up your ignorance of another people, for example). If this was a discussion of the differences between african and european for instance, I don’t think you’d have any problem with the two being described as different “races”.
The main ethnic group that inhabits Iran are an aryan race that moved into the area from the north, and they’re distinctly physically, genetically, historically, and culturally different from the people of the Arab nations. This isn’t an opinion, it’s a fact.
While the distinction between one race and another shouldn’t matter in most things, the point of even mentioning “iranian” in the story was that someone who is “different” won the competition. I was just pointing out that the story was inaccurate in describing the difference.
While I don’t appreciate your misinformed rebuttals to my comments, the fact that you made them further demonstrates my original message, which is that most Americans could use a little brushing up on their middle eastern history.
For your information, my ancestors are European (Hungarian, Russian, and English) but I’ve taken the time to educate myself a bit about middle eastern history and culture because I fell in love with a Persian woman whose entire family moved to the US during the revolution. We’re now married, and my efforts to learn more about her heritage have led me to learn to cook persian food, and speak some phrases in Farsi (things like “I adore you”), so your implication that someone who thinks of a Persian, Arab, or any other non European race as “different” equating to racism is a little offensive.
Nice try, thanks for playing.
No offence meant, jeff. However, I do subscribe to a different modality, no doubt. And you’re correct: I’m probably anything far from an “expert” on the subject. And so, you’re probably correct in your assessment of my ignorance (at least regarding this topic). Since I’m trying to finish my thesis at present, I couldn’t find time to do the proper research that would explain my position to you. But here’s what I swiped off of Wikipedia for you:
“Conceptions of race and racial classifications are also often controversial for scientific as well as social and political reasons. The controversy ultimately revolves around whether or not the socially constructed and perpetuated beliefs regarding race are biologically warranted […] Large parts of the academic community take the position that, while racial categories may be marked by sets of common phenotypic or genotypic traits, the popular idea of “race” is a social construct without base in scientific fact.”
I’m no biologist. I’m more concerned with social-theory. But this is a paradigm with some currency.
Cheers. And than you for playing, too.
MA
Hey Maxims&Arrows,
I think it’s pretty clear that we have more in common than not, and what we’re arguing most about is semantics. The lines between race, ethnicity, and nationality aren’t always clear. I believe that all three exist with a variety of groups and sub-groups in each. The reason I believe that we are all not just one race is biological, and I think that’s what justifies my original statement. Miss America, after all, is largely based on looks, and ethnicity and nationality don’t always determine physical appearance the way that race does. Rima is the first Arab American (race), Lebanese (nationality), and Muslim (which when added to the region she’s from, and her cultural background, begins to describe part of her ethnicity) to win miss america. Had she been from Iran, like the article suggests, all three of those things would have been different.
I understand the theory you subscribe to about race, and on a lot of levels, I agree. I know that historically there are more negative associations attached to racial classification than positives, but I don’t agree that the best path to a world where race “doesn’t matter” is to deny that it exists.
Different types of people adapted in different ways to the places their civilizations developed in. You can take a drop of blood, which looks the same to the naked eye no matter who it came from, and still determine through the DNA it contains what the person looks like, and the general area their ancestors are from. That’s empirical science, not politics.
Identity is a very important concept for people. It molds their life experience, and I believe race is part of it.
Her race, ethnicity, and nationality shouldn’t matter when it comes to winning a pageant, but I think it does matter when your making a big deal about her identity, which this, and many other articles about her, have done.
Anyway, no matter how you look at it, using the italicized “iranian” to describe Rima shows an ignorance of other people that I think we both wish didn’t exist.
The only race I want to see is which video gets to Hulu first.
You are probably correct, in that you and I probably have more similar than dissimilar world-views, jeff. But let me see if I can substantiate my position and gain some credibility with you. Lets begin with an understanding that the characteristics you described are those of genetic markers: dominant genes yielding blue eyes, brown skin, blonde hair, and so on. By your definition, I seem to belong to the “blonde race.” Genetic features such as these are the result of cultural breeding practices. Such practices are situated in a historical context that is also governed by socio-political forces. Therefore, your argument for “race” is a profoundly problematic one. It might be more accurate (although no less ugly) to describe people’s in terms of “breeds.” However, such taxonomy is equally loaded.
This partly the reason academics have abandoned this relatively archaic description (and why I suggest you do too). Some might say that my position is “too complicated,” that it opens the way to many other criticisms and debate, and that yours is a “simple truth;” But it is neither simple nor truth. And when we engage any concept/construct, it is incumbent on us to be both critically conscious and intellectually honest. And while it might generate considerable disagreement, there are a number of scholars who would agree that (relations of power notwithstanding) the use of race as a category is predicated on assumptions about race which can be considered (to varying degrees) “racist.” That said, it is more common than anyone would like to admit, but we all tend to maintain certain assumptions based on such categorizations. Being critically minded means acknowledging this fact and bringing to it an awareness and engaging dialogically with it.
Benedict Anderson (among others) carefully illustrate historical trajectory of the construct of “nationality;” and others (Fromm, Foucault, etc.) also deconstruct identity creation. I get the semantics part (I am a linguistics student after all) and fully understand too that semantics are also elastic and malleable to socio-political, cultural and historical forces.
“The color of one’s skin cannot be separated from the practices that have historically constructed it—pigment is a product of a stylized repetition of acts” (Warren, Performing Purity, 2003, p. 32).
“[One] element preparing the way for modern Orientalist structures was the whole impulse [italics mine] to classify nature and man into types […] To these ideas was added second-order Darwinism, which seemed to accentuate the ‘scientific’ validity of the division of races into advanced and backward, or European-Aryan and Oriental-African” (Said, Orientalism, 1978, pp. 119 & 206).
And I would be remiss if I left out this little gem:
“I mistrust all systematizers and I avoid them. The will to a system is a lack of integrity” (Nietzche, Twilight of the Idols).
As a representative of the commenter race, I’m embarrassed by how easily ODAAT trolled you all.
WHAT WILL THAT CRAZY ROMANO SAY NEXT WEEK?
i love one day at a time! i moved to nyc and i still read it every week