The dreaded Northwest earthquake of despair just hit the Oregon coast! According to USGS, it happened here around 3:41 pm with a earth-shattering 5.9 magnitude. As you can see, all of the bridges have collapsed and the city is on fire.

Except not really. It looks like the only town that may have felt something is Bandon. Maybe very Northern California (I just called my mom back home on the NorCal coast and she is alive—also didn’t feel a thing). No tsunami warning, no big deal.

Steve, who’s quarantined himself at home for the day, made sure I checked in on his creepy office mannequins to see if they were affected. To the offices’ content (but not Steve’s) they remain dead.

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Stay tuned. This could be a precursor to massive destruction. Or a rise of the faceless mannequin race that has been patiently waiting for its revenge ever since Nordstroms happened.

Alex Zielinski is a former News Editor for the Portland Mercury. She's here to tell stories about economic inequities, cops, civil rights, and weird city politics that you should probably be paying attention...

9 replies on “EARTHQUAKE!!! (Not That Big of Deal)”

  1. I guess I’m particularly befuddled without stimulants this evening, but how is this particular blurb of news supposed to be funny with the attempted added commentary or pictures? Will the Merc turn to serious mode when tens of thousands of people are impacted in the state by an actual quake? Just to be prepped, I would like to know.

  4. Oh, yeah. The hipster blog will be extraordinarily useful in the event of an actual emergency. You can count on it, dumbfuck.

  7. Pretty funny that these two anonymous fuckwits would come here to shit-talk disaster coverage by the paper that less than a month ago ran a cover feature that was the most comprehensive coverage of the expected Cascadia earthquake by any local news outlet in recent memory.

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