GUYS. Our good friend, and one of this city’s greatest comedians Ian Karmel is writing another sure-to-be hilarious piece for the Mercury, quite possibly titled, “PORTLAND AS FUCK.” In this feature, Ian will actually do (and report back on) all those things that Portland is supposed to be famous for… just for example:

Stand in line two hours on a Saturday morning for a Voodoo doughnut
Ride a tall bike in a Cat in the Hat hat
Make latte art as a barista
Enter a mustache contest or another similarly whimsical event
Sit in the Timbers Army section and becoming simultaneously deaf and depressed
Try to get his friends to come to his DJ night
Make/sell art for Last Thursday
Create and wear a week’s wardrobe entirely out of clothes from The Bins

OMG, the list goes on and on… and it will! BY YOU IN THE COMMENTS BELOW! Drop in some more suggestions, and though we can’t guarantee Ian will have the time or inclination to do all of your “Portland as Fuck” ideas, they will be submitted to his master list and may end up in his upcoming Mercury feature story!

WELL? Go on! Toss in your suggestions for things that are “PORTLAND AS FUCK.” (Because you know better than anybody else.)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

33 replies on “Crowd Source Time! Suggestions for “Portland as Fuck””

  2. I would disagree on including Voodoo on that list. Most of the people standing in those lines are from out of town.

    Portland As Fuck: Foodcarts catering your wedding

  3. PORTLAND AS FUCK: BEING UNEMPLOYED FOR 18 MONTHS.

    PORTLAND AS FUCK: BEING FROM MINNESOTA OR OHIO.

    PORTLAND AS FUCK: COMPLAINING ABOUT PORTLAND.

  10. Portland as Fuck: attending a “foodie” workshop that teaches you how to raise, slaughter, butcher, and then smoke your own pig.

    Portland as Fuck: taking a perfectly delicious stand alone food item and either wrapping or topping it with bacon.

    Portland as Fuck: poo-pooing the practical use of an umbrella.

  16. Wait, a blog that bitches about Portlandia so much is basically going to re-enact the show under the alias of “Portland as Fuck”?

    Not to discredit Iam Karmel and the Mercury (which are both people/things I love) but I’m just saying…

  20. PaF- Adult kids sports like Kickball or dodgeball. Extra points if you can do one that also has a costume theme. (perhaps Funday Monday at Sumner Park)

  21. Portland as Fuck: Knowing lots about beer. Ordering PBR anyway.

    Portland as Fuck: Complaining about Gresham while living in Beaverton.

    Portland as Fuck: Be white. Move to North Mississippi. Complain loudly about gentrification.

    Portland as Fuck: Disliking the popular IFC show Portlandia because, Jesus Christ, you have some fucking taste, goddammit.

    Portland as Fuck: Thai food. I mean, damn. That shit’s everywhere. And delicious.

  25. Portland as fuck: drinking home-made kombucha out of your hand-size mason jar (complete with a cozy that you knitted yourself) that you keep lidded and carry around in your shoulder bag made out of recycled tshirts that you bought on etsy even though the seller lives five blocks from you.

  28. PAF- Moving here from Peoria, Ill and two weeks later cornering me at the bar and telling me about the Timbers Army and light & noise pollution and how Cascadia should cecede from the Union but I pretend to give a shit because you are Ukranian and eastern european girls are my kryptonite. Thats some Portland Bullshit right there.

  30. Portland as Fuck – panhandlers turning down food because it isn’t vegan.

    Portland as Fuck – having a degree from a $100,000+ liberal arts college, but looking and smelling like a transient.

    Portland as Fuck – eating organic and ve*n, but smoking American Spirits.

    Portland as Fuck – Jacking up the price on ethnic food if it’s made by an Anglo restaurant.

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