Last night, Cinema 21 hosted a red carpet premiere of the new movie Wild, based on Cheryl Strayed’s memoir and starring Reese Witherspoon and Laura Dern. I met Laura Dern! And other things happened.
I wasn’t in town during the press screening for Wild, but the Mercury still sent me out to cover this event, presumably because I have very little shame (see above) and a high tolerance for waiting around. Which was important. Because as I learned, red carpets take for fucking ever.
Read on for lots of stars and high-quality iPhone pictures!
Like fascists, Cinema 21 erected a tent over their sidewalk to prevent commoners from seeing Wild‘s stars. I was inside of this tent, behind a velvet rope, like a badass. The press had to get there at 5:30 and then locate their laminated piece of paper on the carpet. I was in the corner, in between April Baer from OBP and some nice people from KPAM. I hadn’t met April Baer before but we’re totally bros now. She had on fancy shoes.
We all milled about and stared at our phones until 6:30pm, when the *~talent~* began to arrive. All of the TV and fancy photographers were at the other end of the red carpet from us. We watched everybody ask the questions we wanted to ask while we waited for them to make their way over. The fancy people arrived staggered, I guess to facilitate interviews, but since all of the talent had a handler or two, the red carpet was packed before too long.
Outside of the tent, I could see hordes of people waiting for limos and holding up signs. It probably sucked for them! The tented area was nice and warm. I always wondered how starlets could wear dresses in the winter and it’s because they keep those things at like 110 degrees.
A couple of actors I hadn’t heard of came through first (Jan Hoag, Will Cuddy). They were nice. Hoag talked about how so many people have been inspired to hike the Pacific Crest Trail after reading Wild, which I’ve heard has actually kinda become a problem. Sadly, co-stars Gaby Hoffman and Daario weren’t scheduled to appear.
Then Cheryl Strayed showed up! The crowd outside cheered. It seemed like it took a thousand years for her to get to our corner, but only because she patiently and graciously talked to every press outlet for as long as they wanted her. The folks from OPB, Z100, and KINK were near me and asked Strayed some smart things. She clearly had met the KINK and OPB reporters before, and told them they all looked great. I was lumped in with them. Never to pass up a compliment, I thank her. Then I asked her for a picture. “It’s the closest I’ve ever been to Oprah!” I blurted out. “I’ll tell her you said hi,” said Cheryl Strayed. PANTS. POOPED. God, what a nice and cool woman. She’s the kind of woman who could walk a thousand miles to kick heroin and overcome grief. So awesome.
I eavesdropped on seasoned reporters asking a myriad of questions, some of them terrible. “I haven’t read your book,” Mr. Movie told Strayed. “Why should I?” Everybody within earshot cringed in unison. Cheryl Strayed was just like, uhh, because reading is important, dumbass. But nicely.
Meanwhile, we were all craning our necks to see Laura Dern, who by that time had arrived. I took way too many pictures of her from terrible angles. I don’t know how many. Let’s just say I really love Jurassic Park. She is tall and impossibly lean and beautiful. Look again at that picture of us. Do you think she was as happy as I was? I think yes. Lots of people asked her how it felt to play Reese Witherspoon’s mom when she’s only nine years older. I don’t think she liked this one.
We’d heard cheers for Reese by that time. Unlike Laura Dern, Reese Witherspoon is pint-sized and I could barely make her out over the crowd. She only stopped for the TV cameras; she dodged all of us jerks in the print/radio corner like a boss. I got close enough to her essence to impress my mom, who I immediately texted.
Once Witherspoon got inside, they turned the space heaters off, like fascists, and it was immediately 45 degrees in the tent. Several press also had tickets to see the movie, myself included. The talent came in and said hello before the movie started. It got a little awkward because the guy announcing everybody—I don’t know who the hell he was—was like, “if you liked the book, you’ll love the movie even more!” And Cheryl Strayed was standing there, like “uhhhhh.” Somebody just got fired!
The whole thing was bizarre and neat and tiring (and hot). Stuff like this is so rare in Portland; honestly, I don’t think we could handle it happening often. We’re still obsessing about The Goonies for Christ’s sake, and that was 30 years ago. Everybody was so giddy and excited. But, for a film that celebrates Oregon, it’s fitting that it premiered in front of a bunch of happy, earnest weirdos. I’m glad to have been one of them.
And one more, to appease the hair gods:
BEST RED CARPET STORY EVER
Good Job Joneser!
I have been to a couple screenings where “Mr. Movie” was present. Talk about a smug jerk. Grossness.
Great piece!
I wish I had the chance to meet Laura Dern!
She’s awesome!
so funny. well written. laughed throughout. you should write a book.