[Editor’s Note: Welcome to “What’s Your Story?” wherein reporter Alec Quig interviews and photographs people on the street who are just like (or maybe nothing like) you.]
Name + nickname: James K.
Age: 40
Hood: NE
Occupation: Filmmaker, inept teacher.
Hometown: Greely, CO
How fashionable are you on a scale of 1-10? [Effortlessly] 10.
Pet peeve: People that are smarter than me. And taller.
Guilty pleasure: Masturbation.
Continued after the jump.
If you had a genie and one wish, what would it be? To live a good life. You don’t need a genie for that, though, man. It seems like I might. I struggle, man, I struggle with it. Being who I can be.
Do you have a cultural recommendation for our readers? The Dark Backward. It’s an interesting film that was overlooked and makes me laugh hysterically. It’s dark and backwards. It’s one of the only comedies I think is funny. One of the only American movies that uses deadpan humor well. And it’s got squeezable bacon in it.
Were you cool in high school? [Emphatically] No. I owned a skateboard ramp and was the best skateboarder in my town, so I was only cool with skateboarders. People only drove muscle cars and would yell out the window at me. “Get a car!” This is how uncool I was. Are you ready? One day I was riding my skateboard home and tried to do a powerslide. It came out from under me and flew in front of the shorty bus. What’s a shorty bus? A bus for special needs children. Anyway: it completely crushed the board and the trucks. Everything was ruined. My whole life was my skateboard. It was the only place in my life that felt good. The bus stops and all the special needs kids look out the window at me, and I shuffled off with my dead skateboard. I already didn’t have any friends, and now even the retarded kids would be pointing and making fun of me. Then, on the last day of school, right before graduation, I got my face beat in by the toughest guy at my school and everyone I knew watched it. I got my face kicked in on the ground. That’s how my high school ended. In the dirt, on the ground, in front of everyone I knew. My hometown was a shithole…damn, I just started to cry. Feeling sorry for myself a little. Anyway, this guy was ridiculous, because he was trying to kill a snake. I was like, what the fuck’s wrong with you, why would you kill an innocent animal? I wouldn’t fight him, and he just beat the shit outta me. Twenty years later, I went back to Roma, this pizza restaurant I used to hang out at, and ran into him, right when I was leaving the place. And this guy can’t get over it—kicking my ass. His wife, who was also there, hasn’t forgiven him, 20 years later. He really wants my forgiveness and always tells me the same story. Now I text him and feel bad for him. Back then, he was the toughest motherfucker in the world, a golden glove boxer. Now he’s a born-again christian. And when he kicked my ass, he wasnt even in high school anymore. He was one of those dudes that still hung out with highschoolers. That was my burden. My high school burden.
Read the entirety of this interview at Alec’s blog.
Greely? I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t take the time to edit this piece of shit either.
Please stop trying to make this column happen.
I don’t think I can handle any more of these.
Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood?
Say, who are the people in your neighborhood?
The people that you meet each day.
James K. is a person in your neighborhood,
In your neighborhood,
In your neighborhood.
He’s ineptly teaching in your neighborhood.
He’s a person you might meet
When you’re walking down the street,
It hurts when he don’t get laid,
Shorty buses make him ‘fraid,
He’s a person we all MET TOOO-DAAAY!!!
Congratulations, you are now portland’s poster child for masturbation.
If you are from Michigan, please return there immediately and stop spreading the suck around.
inept is right
1. Get the fuck over high school. You’re old now.
2. His WIFE hasn’t forgiven him? WTF?
What Kiala said, times like four million.