1) Because God doesn’t insist on changing clothes three times before we go out.
2) Because God doesn’t play mind games over the phone.
3) Because God doesn’t whine about me always taking Him to Applebee’s.
4) Because God never does this: “BLAH BLAH BLAH, NAG NAG NAG.”
5) Because God never makes me beg. Except when I’m praying.
6) Because when God “blasts” me in the face, He let’s me “blast” him back.

You never did that.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

3 replies on “Why I Date God Instead of You”

  3. Why should I date a God that’s just gonna mess around behind my back with my old lady?

    I demand EXCLUSIVITY, dammit.

    And isn’t that youth pastor who’s clearly at the edge of 40 (if not just beyond) actin’ all young and stuff? I almost bought it.

    I’m now going to go vomit.

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