I am a bisexual cis woman in my forties. My boyfriend is a straight cis man in his thirties. I had limited experience prior to our relationship. That being said, it hasn’t stopped my boyfriend from providing all the pleasure I can imagine for the most part. There is just one thing I want to ask about. I am open about fantasies and often think about sex even when we’re not “in the moment.” He says he doesn’t have any fantasies and doesn’t think about sex outside of the experience. How can I gently encourage my guy to have sexual fantasies? I suspect this is a mental block around shame and I think it would keep things interesting if we could both explore fantasy and talk more about it. Our NRE won’t last forever.

The Big Reveal

As everyone knows, TBR, the average man thinks about sex every seven seconds. (Some consider that stat to be dubious  — mostly because it’s been disproven again and again — but I’m going to trot it out one more time for sake of argument.) So, either your BF, who only thinks about sex when he’s having it and claims to have no sexual fantasies, is an outlier, e.g., he thinks about sex far less than once every seven seconds, or he’s not being entirely honest with you about how often he thinks about sex and/or what he thinks about when he’s thinking about sex.

Why wouldn’t a man share his sexual thoughts (rate of) and sexual fantasies (specific of) with a girlfriend who wanted to hear about both?

He could worry his sexual fantasies might repulse you, TBR, and not because they’re repulsive — although they might be (some are!) — but because he may have shared his sexual fantasies with a previous partner who reacted badly. (Once bitten, twice shy.) I’ve lost count of the number of letters I’ve received from men and women whose partners begged them to open up about their fantasies and then reacted with horror at the revelation of a harmless, relatively common, and easily indulged sexual interest, like a thing for feet or fuzzy handcuffs or both. In a world where your run-of-the-mill foot fetishists and bondage-for-beginners types get dumped after laying their kink cards on the table, you’re going to encounter people who hesitate to share their sexual thoughts and fantasies with new partners for fear of getting dumped.

That said, it’s possible your boyfriend is one of those rare guys who is completely vanilla, TBR, and all of his sexual needs are being met in your relationship. (It’s also possible he doesn’t think about sex every seven seconds — or nineteen times a day, which is the average for male college students.) So, why not… for the time being… take him at his word? You’re setting a good example for him by sharing your fantasies, TBR, and you can and should remind him once in a while — every two months or so — that you’re ready and willingto return the favor if he has (or suddenly acquires) a sexual fantasy you can reasonably indulge. (“Reasonable” is a subjective standard when it comes to fantasies and/or kinks; one person’s “reasonable” is another person’s “no fucking way.”) If he hasn’t opened up to you about his fantasies because he’s struggling with shame — assuming, again, that he has any sexual fantasies — there’s no better cure than the affection, attention, and patience of a GGG partner like you.

As for keeping things interesting, TBR, just like it sometimes falls to one partner to initiate, it sometimes falls to one partner — not always the same partner — to keep things interesting once the NRE has worn off. Which means you may be the one who has to order toys and/or suggest heading to a sex club or fucking one on the roof when the time comes. So long as your GGG boyfriend is game to go there with and for you, TBR, being the one who keeps things interesting — being the suggestion box — is only a problem if you decide to make it one.

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Read the rest of this week's column here! And don't miss this week's Lovecast: A poly guy lives in a rural area with his fiancé. He is building his own house, and hires laborers to come live with him while they build. One of the laborers started hooking up with the caller’s girlfriend without consulting the caller or gaining his consent. Now what? This guy is living in his own damn house, having sex with his own damn lady???

PLUS: On the Magnum, the worlds collide when Dan Savage, notorious sex proponent chats with asexuality educator Cody Daigle-Orians. They do a deep dive on ace issues. Are ace folks queer? Are micro labels helpful? At what point in a relationship should ace people come out? Daigle-Orians, creator of “Ace Dad Advice” explains asexuality with clarity and patience to the sex-crazed Savage. LISTEN HERE.