My boobs began to get bigger — apropos of nothing — in my early thirties. A lot bigger. No weight gain, they just started growing and didn’t stop. I hated it. I’m very active, and they were heavy and miserable and got in the way. So, I had a breast reduction and had never been happier. It was freedom… for three years. Then my breasts started growing again. I’m five years out from the reduction and it’s only getting worse. I hate it. I cannot abide it. I want to fix the problem.
Repeated breast reductions aren’t an option. It’s an expensive major surgery with a long recovery time, and if there’s breast tissue remaining there’s no reason to expect it won’t just grow back again. Top surgery isn’t my favorite solution — I would much rather have the small, perfect tits I had post-reduction — but my realistic options are huge tits or top surgery. I have chosen top surgery. I feel great about the prospect; it’s taken two years of dedicated work to get to the point where I have a surgeon and a surgery date and everything’s in line. The hiccup is my husband — my wonderful, feminist, kind, supportive husband — who is baffled and distressed by my choice.
This is very reasonable! He’s straight and he’s worried he won’t be physically attracted to me anymore. He says it’s different than needing a double mastectomy for something like breast cancer, as it’s an elective surgery. He’s supportive of my happiness and would never tell me not to do it, but as we get closer to the surgery date, I can see that the prospect is weighing on him. Do you have any advice for him? Or me? Or us both?
Soon-To-Be Boobless In Seattle
Your body, your choice.
That’s the only thing I can say in response to your question — that’s the only thing I’m allowed to say in response to your question — and luckily for me, STTBIS, that’s exactly what I believe. You get to make your own decisions about what you do with your body. Period. Full stop. Five stars. No notes. Next question.
Well, actually…
I also believe — and I’m gonna risk saying — that for those of us in long-term, committed, romantic and sexual partnerships, STBBIS, the choices we make for and about our bodies impact the people we care about and can have consequences for our relationships. If I were to get breast implants, say, or made other radical-to-semi-radical elective body modification that it was absolutely within my rights to make — getting my tongue split or my face tattooed or my penis bisected — my husband and my boyfriend would have feelings about that choice. And while they couldn’t stop me from making whatever choice I felt was right for my body, STTBIS, the impact those choices might have on my relationship(s) would factor into my decision-making process.
So, if I wanted breast implants and my husband and/or boyfriend told me he’d be less attracted to me if I got them, that would argue against me getting the boobs of my dreams, STTBIS, because being wanted by my boyfriend and my husband is important to me too.
Still and again: your body, your boobs, your choice. And your reasons for getting your breasts removed — physical comfort, active lifestyle, not wanting to undergo breast reduction surgery every five years for the rest of your life — are reasonable and sound and my hypothetical is inane and imperfect, e.g., not an exact parallel. But your husband’s body is his body, STTBIS, and he’s telling you his body might not respond to yours in the same way if you get your breasts removed. And the issue isn’t just how your body is going to look after you get your breasts removed, STTBIS, but what your body is going to say: “I knew you wouldn’t like this, you tried to tell me this choice would negatively impact our sexual connection, but I did it anyway.”
A couple of other points…
You use the term “top surgery” to refer to the procedure you want (an elective double mastectomy removing all breast tissue), a term usually associated with one of the masculinizing procedures trans men and non-binary AFAB folks undergo to affirm their gender identities. You may be using the term “top surgery” because it sounds kinder and gentler than “double mastectomy,” STTBIS, but when you say, “top surgery,” your husband may hear, “first step toward gender transition.” If your gender identity isn’t in flux, STTBIS, hearing that from you — emphatically — may relieve some of your husband’s stress about his sexual attraction to you in the years to come. I assume he already knows your reasoning (this is about addressing a physical burden that’s made you miserable), but he may need to hear — he may need to hear again and again — that your sexual connection matters to you and that this isn’t the first step toward a masculine gender presentation or non-binary identity that won’t work for him because he’s straight.
And finally, STTBIS, have you considered breast implants? At the same time you have your breast tissue removed — which can, indeed, grow back after breast reduction surgery — you could get breast implants that resemble or recreate the “small, perfect breasts” you once had, i.e., the breasts you both loved. Breast implants are not without risk, of course, but the risks are minor and the benefits could be great.
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Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast: A straight man just got dumped by his girlfriend after 1 1/2 years. His crime? He followed some thirst trap accounts on Instagram. She felt “betrayed and repulsed.” Now sad and bewildered, he’ll get a rousing pep talk from Dan Savage.
On the Magnum, a poly woman has been told by her girlfriend that she isn’t allowed to kiss her children for fear of giving them herpes. Dan brings on STI expert Dr Ina Park to dish out some herpes facts and to try to lower the fear level. They also talk about the success of the HPV vaccine and what it might mean to have someone who is hostile to vaccines in charge of Health & Human Services. LISTEN HERE!
