Dear Readers: When I open a column with “Dear Readers,” it’s usually to let you know I’m taking a week off. But this is a brand-new column! All new questions, all new answers. But I intentionally dug through the mail for relatively simple questions because I’m just fried from the news. So, if you wrote in this week about a particularly thorny interpersonal conflict that would require me to think hard before attempting to saw the baby in half… you’re not going to find your letter. All the questions below are easy pitches — low, slow, and over the plate — because those were the only ones I felt capable of taking a swing at after the week we’ve all had. — Dan
I’m a newly-out gay man who is also exploring kink and leather for the first time. It has been fun, especially because I love daddies, and some wonderful older men have been my guides to this brave new world of rubber and slings. However, a few have ghosted me because I end up texting too much due to the fact that I’m worried they’re losing interest. I’m realizing this is a red flag to others. I’m needy but it’s rooted in the fact that this is all new to me AND since I feel late to the party, I need to move things along quickly to make up for lost time. How do I parent myself through this situation and stop pushing Daddies away with my neediness?
Boy Losing Opportunities With Incessant Texting
If you’ve gotten unambiguous “you’re too intense/you’re too much/you’re too needy” feedback from multiple guys — verbal and/or non-verbal — you should be able to correct course. I mean, you may have just come out, BLOWIT, but you’re a grown-ass man and a grown-ass man can resolve to do things differently. So, how about you identify a friend whose phone you can blow up with messages about your latest sexual adventure? Then after blowing up your friend’s phone for 24 hours, you can send a single thank-you text to the nice guy who set up his sling for you and let him know you’d love to take another ride. Playing it cool is not to be confused with playing games. People who play games lie about their interest or their availability in order get things they want from people who wouldn’t give them those things — their time, their attention, their holes — if they knew the truth. When you play it cool, you’re being honest about your feelings (“I had so much fun and would love to meet up again”) but you’re being thoughtful, considerate, and strategic about when and how you express them.
And if you wind up regularly getting with a guy that you played it cool with at first, BLOWIT, then you can tell him you were so excited after your first session you sent 300 giddy text messages about him to your best friend. He won’t just be flattered that you felt that way about him — and relieved you didn’t blow up his phone —but even more attracted to you than he was already, BLOWIT, because the ability to self-regulate is something people look for in partners, both play and life.
How does one navigate unrequited crushes while in a monogamish marriage? My wife has been crushing on someone that has proven to be a mess and is practically unavailable. They have an attraction for one another and have exchanged some flirts and kisses, but this person doesn’t have the time or energy for her that she hoped she would. I’ve stayed out of it because it hasn’t caused any issues for us as a couple. However, at this point it’s the same song and dance without any change of perspective on my wife’s part. How can I support her so she can move on? We go out fairly often to find different cute lesbos. She’s still hung up on this hot mess who, to me, isn’t worth the effort beyond a purely platonic friendship. Always appreciate your advice.
Hoping On This Mess Exiting Sometime Soon
Married poly people — or poly people with primary and/or nesting partners — are often asked how it feels to watch our spouses go through the NRE (“new relationship energy”) stage of a new relationship. (Some of us feel fine about it, others are threatened by it; some of us wanna hear every detail, some of us wanna be on a need-to-know basis.) But we’re rarely asked what it’s like to watch our partners suffer through an unrequited crush, a shitty first date, a disappointing or disqualifying first sexual experience with someone new, etc. Short answer: it sucks — watching someone you love suffer always sucks — and figuring out how to help (or whether you’re the right person to help) isn’t always easy. Sometimes the spouse just wants you to listen, sometimes the spouse wants you to weigh in.
So, HOTMESS, if you have the kind of relationship where you’re welcome to weigh in on your wife’s other relationships — if you generally talk about the other people you’re pursuing or doing — you could gently point out the mess your wife is currently too blinded by lust to see. But if you typically don’t discuss other partners or prospects, you would be well advised to keep your mouth shut. If your wife’s crush was negatively impacting you and/or your marriage in some tangible way, HOTMESS, I would urge you to speak up. But it’s not — you said it wasn’t — so you shouldn’t.
Love makes fools of us all, as they say, and right now it’s your wife’s turn to play the fool. When she comes to her senses, HOTMESS, you can be there for her with a pint of ice cream and some enthusiastic oral. (Always does the trick for my husband.) You can gently point out the signs she missed, if she wants to talk about it, and make her promise to be just as patient when it’s your turn to play the fool.
Read the rest of this week’s column here! And this week on the Lovecast: A non-binary AFAB person frequents a sex club where women pay much less than men or couples. And there’s a dress code… men must be naked, and women must wear lingerie. The caller wears the damn lingerie to snag the discount and to get access to men. But they don’t want to be addressed as female in dirty talk or recognized as female in any way. Discuss.
On the Magnum, Dan brings back his old college sweetheart, Mike Pesca of The Gist, Not Even Mad, and his new comedy show Funny You Should Mention. Pesca has been covering politics (and sports) for a long time and these two have chemistry! They talked about having sex with Trumpers vs. maintaining familial relations with MAGA folk, hot footballmen, and eliminating the penny. And butt sex. Listen here!
