- Illustration: Erika Moen
One day I wandered into the illustrious Portland Mercury HQ and met a nice man who introduced himself as the web guru. He shook my hand with wonder in his eyes and told me that one of my articles was one of the top 3 most clicked on Mercury website. I was flattered and amazed, and squealed, “WHICH ARTICLE?” The article: “How to Suck a Dick.” Ahhhh yes, I remember that. That was me, all right!
Well folks, the web stats have spoken, and I hear your mighty yawps. But it’s just about how one goes about sucking a dick. Today let’s turn the tables and talk about what you can do to insure your dick gets sucked.
1. WASH YOUR DICK – This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many dirty-dicked-boys have asked me for a blowjob. Look I get it, dicks are in a high-traffic area; in close proximity to sweat glands AND a nut sack. Not judging AT ALL. But look, no one’s going to want to get involved with your dick if it’s not ready for the “ball.”
More TIPS (get it) AFTER THE JUMP…
2. GROOM YOUR DICK-AREA – Your dick is Justin Timberlake and your balls, pubes and thighs are N’Sync. Make your “breakout artist” look good by grooming the support staff. Trim the pubes, and maaaaybe the hair on your thighs if you are especially hirsute. Are you trying to get someone to suck your balls? SHAVE THEM. Plus it’ll make you swim faster!
3. MAKE IT INVITING – You’ve groomed, you’ve cleaned… what more can you possibly do? Get some scents in the game! Leave your Old Spice or Axe Body Spray at home (unless you dab it on with a Q-tip—seriously, just a whisper of musky scents will do). Essential oils can do wonders for a swampy dick. May I suggest lemon verbena, peppermint, or Eucalyptus? “Bri, I don’t want my dick to smell like my grandmother’s bathroom.” DO YOU WANT YOUR DICK SUCKED OR NOT?
4. ASK REAL NICE – Don’t be passive aggressive, don’t drop hints, and for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, DO NOT press his/her head into your crotch. Just ask for what you want like the adult you are. “Hey, would you suck me off?” “Can I get a blowjob, please?” “This all feels amazing, will you go down on me?” OR the slightly more passive, yet still kinda cute: “I’d love to watch you suck my dick.”
5. RECIPROCATE – Maybe this means getting on your knees and giving head. OR maybe it’s doing another selfless act: a back massage, a sexual favor of a different variety, or something he/she has been begging you to do for a while! Buy brunch! Go to the art museum AND the farmer’s market! While none of these things will entitle you to a blowjob, they might grease the wheel a bit.
Let me reiterate: NONE OF THESE THINGS ENTITLES YOU TO A BLOW JOB. Or to put it a different way: no matter how much time and energy and money you spend in the pursuit of a blow job YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO A BLOW JOB.
Receiving oral sex is nice. Being on the receiving end of such intimate attention can make you feel like royalty. Sadly, the patriarchal industrial complex has made these blowjobs feel like currency, which is such a turn off to sexy feminists like myself. Think of a blowjob as frosting on the sex cake. Wait, no, as frosting on the sex pie. Like, I didn’t even know this pie could get any better, I mean, what’s frosting even doing up in here, but OMG yum!
Remember what Ghandi said: Give the head that you want to see in the world. Being generous will usually pay off in bed. And if it doesn’t, stop fucking those people.
Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs,
@BriPruett