I have been married for almost 23 years. I have two teenage children. My wife refuses any kind of intimacy with me and we have not had sex (let alone any kind of intimacy) for the last 10 years of our marriage. I use to be able to count on having sex on Valentines Day, my birthday and our anniversary but now not even those days. We have gone to counseling and my wife says she feels bad about us not having sex and she knows how much this issue has caused me pain but she has stated that she will never have sex again. The counselor says that I need to be supportive of this and just be patient; maybe she will change her mind. The lack of sex is causing me to really hate her. Should I wait for her to turnaround? Should I leave her or wait till the kids are gone? I just don’t understand this. I have told her that I will have an affair and she responded that I never would because I am loyal like a dog.
Loyal Like A Dog
My brief—and entirely predictable—response after the jump.
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Fuck your wife (figuratively), fuck your counselor (figuratively), and fuck other people (literally).
As for whether you stay with the wife for your kids’s sakes, well, that’s your call. If getting sex elsewhere helps you hate the wife less, and if you think your children would be traumatized by their parents divorcing at this stage in their lives, then perhaps you should fuck around and stick around. And don’t feel bad about it: if fucking around helps you to stay with your wife for your kids’ sakes, LLAD, then fucking around is the loyal-like-a-dog/loyal-to-your-family thing to do. But if things are or get toxic—of if your wife accuses you of “cheating” on her after you inform her that you’re getting it elsewhere now (remember: you’re the wronged party here)—then you should leave.
I never understand the “we’re staying together for the kids” argument with people like this. He and his wife haven’t had sex for 10 years and he admits that he hates her–I’m sure their home life absolutely sucks, and the kids are probably miserable because of the dysfunctional relationship between their folks. I’m sure that if you asked the kids, they’d rather have happy mom and happy dad living in separate places than miserable mom and miserable dad living together.
My suggestion is to have a talk with the wife. Don’t put it ultimatum style, but basically it should come down to:
1. New therapist + “date” nights where you two go on dates.
2. Talk about opening the relationship. She has no reason to complain about this since she isn’t taking initiative if she disagrees to do #1.
3. Divorce + remain friends. I never understood why so many couples resort to wars during/after divorce, especially with kids.
As any child of divorced parents can tell you, the kids know already. Put the marriage out of its misery while both of you still can have another shot at happiness somewhere else — and both parties can still be good parents to the kids.
Catandbeard nails it. As my then-ten-year-old son said when I told him that his mom and I would be taking turns being with the kids – “but you already do that, dad.”
As the child of divorced parents, life was better for everyone once the breakup happened. DTMFA.
Totally agree that a clean break and the opportunity to develop future sexual relationships with integrity trumps “staying in it for the kids” and subjecting them to whatever nastiness develops when the wife discovers that he’s getting it elsewhere and takes it personally.
And as much as I’d like to believe that she’d be understanding of the logic that “if you won’t give it to me, its reasonable for me to find it elsewhere,” I suspect that any woman who would be willing to withhold sex for 10 years (and think THAT was reasonable) doesn’t really understand sex at all.
A clean slate is better for him, better for the kids, and probably in the long run better for her than trying to explain to her (or the kids) why daddy’s not REALLY cheating since mommy won’t give it up anymore.
I think that after 23 years they’re both afraid to start over and be alone. It’s an understandable…but a lot of lives dribble away in frustration and despair because of that fear of change and uncertainty. It doesn’t sound like things will get any better for them until they make the break.
Dude… If you have vested interest in the marriage (money, kids, etc) and divorce is not an option. Then go get your sex somewhere else. She’s not giving it to you. Seek out and find it elsewhere. Then you can stop bugging her and officially “wait”. If you don’t want to get caught doing it you should check out “http://www.AvoidGettingCaught.com“. It’s a system for having an affair and not getting caught. On another note, you can’t wait for her. You have needs too. It’s selfish of her to put you on hold for 10 years. It’s time brother… get it someplace else. You deserve it.