SL Letter of the Day: More Advice—Better Advice—For SUB

I’d like to point out a few things that might put SUB’s problem into better perspective.

First, he says that he’s attempting to use FetLife as a personals site. FetLife isn’t a dating site; it’s a social networking site for kinky people. It’s about networking, discussion, event planning, communicating with people in your local community, etc. SUB’s using FetLife for cruising Dominant women, which is likely to be only slightly more effective than using LinkedIn for the same purpose.

Another indicator that he may be his own biggest obstacle is that he signed his letter “Seeking Unrestrained Bitches.” Dominant women don’t usually like being called “bitches” by submissive men. Actually, the overall tone of his letter indicates a) he’s still very green and b) he doesn’t know how to talk to Dominant women. He may also be coming off as a “do-me” sub, who approaches dominant women with a laundry list of things that he wants them to “make” him do. This will not get him very far.

My advice to SUB would be to start using FetLife to learn how to be a better sub, rather than to cruise. He can learn about social events in his area and start making real-time friends in the kink community. If he makes real friends, learn about D/s, and approaches women with real humility, he will meet experienced Dominant women who find him appealing. He will need to be flexible about age, though, because most kinky 25-year-old women are not yet ready to embrace it or are just starting out themselves.

Intermediate-Level Kinkster

Thanks for sharing, ILK—but there’s evidence that at least one Dominant woman either likes being called a “bitch” or doesn’t mind… after the jump.

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Dear Dan,

Where can I find this SUB guy’s profile? My boots aren’t going to lick themselves.

25-Year-Old Unicorn

Unfortunately, 25YOU, I’m can’t hook “Savage Love” readers up with people whose letters have appeared in the column. Because, hey, what if you’re an ax murderer? What if he is? And what if my lawyers—who are always telling me that I can’t hook my readers up because someone might be an ax murderer—are ax murderers themselves and just projecting their ax-murdering shit onto my readers? (That’s why I only talk to my lawyers via email.)

But I can’t stop a “Savage Love” reader who wants to meet a person whose letter appeared in the column from lurking in the comments thread on the off chance that the author of the letter might pop in.

Just sayin’.