Brandon Roys defense is superior to all metal detectors

  • Brandon Roy’s defense is superior to all metal detectors

According to First. Live. Local.™ Fox 12, tonight’s Blazers game will feature the perimeter defensive skills of the Metal Detector Bot 5000, which will allow you to bring in your car keys, but not your dirty bombs.

The team told season ticket holders that walk-through metal detectors will be used as fans enter the arena. The additional security is in accordance with NBA procedures that were recently adopted to ensure the safety of fans, the team said.

In the message to season ticket holders, the Blazers said the machines will be set at a sensitivity level to detect prohibited items such as guns, knives and pepper spray, but will enable fans to pass through with items such as keys and pocket change.

Unnecessary metal detectors are nothing new—I particularly enjoy the security measures at the Roseland that require the same level of treatment (a waltz through a detector plus a boner-inducing pat-down) for Sigur Rós as they do for Dead Prez—and I suppose it was only a matter of time before the “safety of fans” lead to this. If you plan on attending tonight’s game—or any future Blazers game—be sure to arrive early. Thanks to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, you will no longer be able to smuggle a flask into a Blazers game. What a jerk.

Ezra Ace Caraeff is the former Music Editor for the Mercury, and spent nearly a third of his life working at the paper. More importantly, he is the owner of Olive, the Mercury’s unofficial office dog....

5 replies on “The Portland Trail Blazers, Now with More Metal Detectors”

  1. REI sells these 4 ounce plastic bottles and they work perfectly as a mini flask. They fit perfectly in your pocket, sock, waistband, and are undetectable to metal detectors.

  3. @BlackedOut & CC: 4ozs? Shit, that’s barely enough to get out of the house. Just pull a high school move and fill your 20oz of Sprite with vodka. Then sit in the nose bleeds and puke on people. Woo! Sports!

  4. I pride myself on not paying for shit at the Rose Garden. The alcohol prices there are highway robbery anyway.

    @Graham

    Your theory is flawed. They won’t let you bring in outside food or drink. That Sprite bottle is too big past the little old ladies searching your bags.

    The best thing about the 4 oz bottles from REI is that they come in a 2 pack.

  5. The NBA would do better to require these for the players, especially in DC, if you know what I mean. Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink. That joke has totally been told on late-night, I’m sure.

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