Hiyeee! Welcome to another week with me, Elinor Jones, and this content known as The Trash Report, which is so-named because it's just a bunch of crap that fell off the back of the internet truck, gathered by my dexterous little raccoon hands, and compiled into something that might take your mind off something else for 10 or so minutes—so let's get to it, mmkay?

Joe Biden Did Something Cool Again?

This is the second week in a row I'm starting this column with something kinda cool the President is doing, which doesn't really go with my complain-y personality, but I'm okay with putting that aside for a sec. The administration announced last week they will cancel $10,000 to $20,000 of college loan debt. Damn! That's not only not enough, but also not something I was actually expecting him to do! The widely-popular move was met with a bunch of pooh-poohing from Republicans who whine about what Biden does regardless, so the White House did what is scientifically referred to as putting their haters on blast:

It feels so cheesy and 2008 to be hopeful about anything—but shit, this is kinda nice!

Republicans are clearly struggling to respond to a popular Biden presidency, and in their desperation are inadvertently creating some really awesome content:

Like, yes. Give everyone money. We love it. Thanks.

Speaking of free money for higher education, the heavy metal band Metallica is funding literal heavy metal learning for students studying trades at several community colleges, including Oregon City's Clackamas Community College. I love that Metallica leaned into the heavy metal pun to aid students in learning important and useful "metal" trades (like welding, machining, automotive tech) in a nation filled with crumbling infrastructure, but wouldn't it have been so hilarious if they'd played off the title of their most famous album and launched a program for people to earn a Masters of Puppets? (This is why Metallica doesn't let me plan things.)

Go Home, Californian

US House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who represents California, recently popped by Oregon to prop up some other Republicans running for stuff. That Oregonian article points out that "The Republican promotional event...notably did not include any elected representatives or candidates from Portland." McCarthy said: "My one question to everybody in Oregon is, ‘Do you look forward to going to downtown Portland again?" But that wasn't really a question for everybody in Oregon, since nobody from Portland was there, was it? If I'd been there, I would have said "Yes, I do look forward to going downtown again, because the Dinolandia show is great and I want to go again before it closes." I think we've moved past the point in our city's growth when we say "go back to California" all the time, but in this instance, when addressing Kevin McCarthy, it is appropriate

Besides, if Portland is such a shithole, then how come an empty, undeveloped lot here costs almost $400,000, hmmmmm?

Checkmate, Kevin.

NKOT-Be Blessed

New Kids on the Block's Jonathan Knight recently shared that he wed his longtime partner, Harley Rodriguez. I'd missed that Jonathan had come out, but it makes perfect sense to me as he was always my most highly-crushed boy in NKOTB and my type of guy has definitely always been "is or might be mistaken for gay." Congratulations to the newlyweds, and I'm so sorry, young Elinor, for never having a chance. 

It's Virgo Season

Jennifer Lopez has been dominating celebrity news for months with her double weddings to Ben Affleck and wearing cute outfits on their multiple honeymoons, but let's not miss this equally important J. Lo update: Glee's Heather Morris recently spilled on a podcast that years ago she was at an audition to be a J. Lo backup dancer when J. Lo came into the room and dismissed everyone who was a Virgo. Harsh! I know very little about astrology or what's so wrong with Virgos that Jenny from the block wouldn't want to work with them, but I do know that there's an absolute banger on the new Beyoncé album called "Virgo's Groove." So who's right?? Do I cast out all Virgos, or celebrate them? Should I take spiritual guidance from J. Lo, or Beyoncé? Are people born in late August or September my friends or my enemies?? Any Virgos reading this: please let me know if you're cool or not. And happy birthday. Maybe.

Okay, that's all I have time for today. Portland Public Schools start back up this week and I've got to teach my kid all the stuff I was supposed to be reinforcing all summer instead of letting her mainline Bluey, which I honestly do not regret. 

Love always,