Hey everyone! Welcome to The Trash Report! It's been a busy week of me plundering the depths of the internet to harvest and redistribute her riches. Hey, speaking of plundering:
Queen of English Died
Queen Elizabeth II died last week at 96 years old, and everyone on Twitter is all "hear ye, hear ye" about it. Sorry, is it in poor taste to point out how the Queen dying is giving everyone else life?
Just told my 10 year old about the Queen. She had tears in her eyes, then did the Wakanda pose and said "Ruthkanda forever" so i said "No, that is the wrong person you dumb fuck" and made her sleep outside— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) September 8, 2022
There have been countless retrospectives in the days since her passing, compelling me to make my own official Joke Tweet (but serious) about the whole thing:
If I die when I'm 96 years old *please* share the news using pictures of me at my hottest, not from like that day— Elinor Jones (@ElinorJoneser) September 8, 2022
President Joe Biden ordered American flags to be flown at half-mast in honor of the Queen's passing. Hello, isn't our flag about independence from Britain? If anything we should be flying it twice as high. To quote the Broadway musical Hamilton: "We won the war; what was it all for?"
Are you wondering what else the Broadway musical Hamilton had to say about the passing of the Queen? Here you go:
Did their social media person lie on their resume about their familiarity about the play Hamilton? If I managed social media for Hamilton my tweet would have been like:
Classic nepotism baby 73-year-old Prince Charles is now King Charles. In his first address to the nation he would not stop talking about his mother's 70 years on the throne and even included a passive-aggressive line to do his best "with the remaining time God grants me." Like, dude, be grateful you won't have to spend 70 years running that mess! Mummy did you a favor by not making you start working until you were 73 years old. And you're rich. So like, chill. Say less.
But, my condolences to the family. I'm the exact same age as Prince William, and my grandmother also passed away this year, so I know how hard it is to grieve that loss. Although, it was probably harder for me, because my grandma was cool.
(With no understanding of Europe)— Andrew Knox (@SoftKnox) September 8, 2022
Looks like the pope is single!
I cannot be talking so much trash about what's going on in England's weird system of government when things are still a mess over here. Former President Donald Trump continues his reign of bringing the WTF with this beaut:
Trump had allegedly offered the deed to a stallion worth $5 million in lieu of payment for legal services, to which the lawyer responded: "This isn’t the 1800s. You can’t pay me with a horse." Good on him for sticking to his guns, and I'm glad I didn't go to law school because I definitely would have accepted animals as payments for legal fees! You'd find me avoiding my own debt collectors, but draped in ferrets and exotic birds at literally all times.
Councilman Cory Matthews?
Last week I shared with you the disturbing news that The OC's Samaire Armstrong was running for mayor of Sedona, Arizona as a climate-change-denying antivaxxer, and now I've got more news about actors turning into wannabe politicians: Ben Savage, best known for his role as Cory Matthews in Boy Meets World, is running for City Council in West Hollywood. My television-poisoned millennial brain can't help but consider Savage a sound candidate, what with a partner like Topanga by his side, but I'm reading that IRL Ben Savage interned for Arlen Specter in college back when Arlen Specter was a Republican, so we'll see how this Man Meets Campaign situation plays out...
Oregon (Governor's Race) on Fire
Several areas of Oregon have been without power as leaders attempted to minimize the risk of forest fires during a weekend of extreme winds and dry conditions. Independent gubernatorial candidate Betsy Johnson tried blaming the feds for poor forest management, but Oregon state rep and literal firefighter Dacia Grayber came out with the receipts:
Oh, no no no. The same person who consistently voted against OR FF’s labor protections, worked overtime to obstruct fire legislation, and voted no on HJM3 (a bipartisan motion that urged congress to pass specific wildfire land Mgmnt legislation) does not get to swoop in…(1/4) pic.twitter.com/sewjFXvdRP— Dacia Grayber (@djgrayber) September 9, 2022
Yay, Grayber, for educating us! Also, what the hell kind of a position is "When I'm governor, the state will put out the damn fires." I mean... yeah. That's kind of a given? I don't think anyone is running on a pro-fire platform. Putting out fires is not a controversial position. We are a state divided, but fire = bad isn't really an issue.
Wow, so much to say! If anyone needs me, I'll be gently settling into your back porch hammocks like this babe:
exCUSE me, who taught the raccoon on my back porch how to use a HAMMOCK??— Sarah McAnulty, Ph.D (@SarahMackAttack) September 9, 2022
[Filmed from INSIDE my house] pic.twitter.com/1Z4UytqBvG
Be safe out there,