Hellooooo, Trash Pandas! It's me, your best friend Elinor Jones, coming at you with a steaming hot pile of gossip, news, and nonsense. I'm writing it while on every over-the-counter allergy medicine I could get my dexterous little paws on, so if the quality is worse than you're used to, blame this lush and verdant hellscape we call home. 

Ready? Okay!

Coronation Day

One thing that's happened to me since becoming a parent is I forgot about 70 percent of the useful things I know, and all of that brain space has been taken over with the lyrics to songs for children. For example, this most recent Saturday, whenever I looked at the news and saw the phrase "it's coronation day," I heard it in the voice of Kristen Bell-as-Anna-in-Frozen and this to me seems like a good reason to abandon the monarchy completely. I can't handle another one of these. As if colonialism wasn't a bad enough look.

Speaking of bad looks, there were shockingly few at the... thing. For the king. You know what I'm talking about. And there was barely any drama about Prince Harry showing up and then bailing before his family could start flipping him shit for escaping that mess. Apparently Charles refused to invite some C-list cousins, but there's not a lot of juice there, either. What I'm trying to say is that I tried to talk about fun trash rather than trash empires, but those disseminators of bland food and warm beer couldn't even do me that solid. (I recently did a 23andme that shows I'm something like 30 percent British which I feel gives me permission to dog them so hard. But even if that weren't the case, I'd dog them anyway. It's not like they asked anyone else's permission for decimating native populations.)

The Latest in Racism

30-year-old Black man Jordan Neely was choked to death on a New York City subway last week, prompting massive protests, as well as a GoFundMe that has raised ten of thousands of dollars to honor the man in his death when such an amount 10 days ago very well could have saved his life. Many have shared videos of Neely tearing it up as a gifted Michael Jackson impersonator, but let's have the record reflect that people who can't entertain us also deserve to live. 

Hot on the tails of another racial awakening rides actor Richard Dreyfuss, cringily lamenting that he's missing out on great roles because it's verboten to wear blackface:

(Speculating wildly) I feel like Dreyfuss is bitter because at some point he was passed over for a role that ultimately went to a Black man. I've been  crunching the numbers all day to try to guess what it would've been, and I've decided that the clearest answer is that Dreyfuss was gunning to play God in Bruce Almighty and lost the role to Morgan Freeman. That just seems like the level of confidence he had. To play God. 

Real Estate News

Drake has listed his Beverly Hills home for sale for $88 MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS. I consider myself pretty dialed in and I knew Drake was famous, but I didn't realize he was $88 million dollar home famous. But links to the listing show the most boringly decorated shit I have ever seen. What's the point of being that rich if you also can't also be eccentric? Eccentric decor-wise, I mean—not eccentric like hitting on girls that are way too young. At least the monsters at the Florida Versailles had some visual points of interest in their tacky mansion.

Not exactly real estate but I wasn't sure where else to put this blurb: an Oregon man is suing Hobby Lobby because their offer of a "free prize" included with the purchase of a puzzle was some dog shit coupon, and he'd like a jury of his peers to confirm that coupons that can be applied to future purchases shouldn't be counted as a "prize." In days when heroes seem few and far between, let us lift up this man and his petty, yet righteous, crusade.

Ends and Pieces

The Super Mario Bros. Movie, starring voice acting by Chris Pratt, finally got knocked out of the #1 film in America spot by Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. III, also starring Chris Pratt. Let's keep sending positive vibes to the WGA strikers that they get a good contract that attracts more brilliant and diverse voices to the writing profession so we can be slightly less insulted by what we are offered. That said, the press tour for GOTG3 has been fun, thanks go Emily Pond, a.k.a. Karen Gillan, who deliciously shared that she once scheduled a couple's therapy session on a day she was shooting in full Nebula makeup and had to show up on zoom looking like this:

An update from last week's column: You may remember that last week I wrote about Tucker Carlson's fall from grace, but also that he'd been rumored to have had an affair with a famous television actress whose political views did not align with his? Well, an intrepid Trash Report reader (ILU) shared with me that the alleged actress was allegedly none other than Modern Family's Emmy-nominated star Julie Bowen. Ew! Wikipedia subsequently informed me that Julie Bowen appeared in a video for the 2016 Democratic National Convention, which we all know would have been so contrary to Tucker's belief system that it got him all hot, the little freak.  

I hope your week is as horny as these two exemplary trash pandas:

Stay classy, trash pandas!