Hi everyone, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report. I'm your girl, Elinor Jones, constantly weirded out about how Elinor (or Eleanor) is such a popular name for little kids these days when I was a stone-cold freak for having a name like that in the '90s. Now if you see me in public and call out "Elinor!" I will not even turn my head, so jilted am I for getting my hopes up too many times upon hearing my name, only to find it's some impossibly fashionable mom talking to her child.
Would you like to read some news together? I got you.
Donald Trump's former lawyer and a major player in his campaign's hair-brained plots to get him to remain in power, Sidney Powell, pleaded guilty last week for trying to meddle with the election results in Georgia, and will likely be cooperating in some degree in the investigations of the rest of the merry band of seditionists. Trump responded like a totally sane guy to this news, claiming on Truth Social that Powell was never his attorney. (She was.) Ah, the classic "I don't know her" defense! This is sure to work like a charm with a guy constantly courted attention and whose every move has been meticulously documented for years.
I wonder if Trump will try this same tactic on his beloved eldest daughter, Ivanka, who was recently photographed attending Kim Kardashian's birthday party. Kardashian supported the Biden/Harris ticket in 2020 and Trump keeps close track of celebrities that might like him, and he values loyalty above all. Ivanka knows this, and I think that her attendance at the party was calculated to send a message. But what?! That Ivanka is trying to shed her conservative image to get in with the Hollywood set, which will; surely alienate her father? Or is Kardashian pursuing Republican politics, which could alienate the California elite she's desperately courted for years? Either way, one clear takeaway is that Ivanka feels comfortable showing her face outside of her Florida swamp compound, meaning that we, as a society, are failing at our duty to shame Trump cronies out of public life forever. I know there's a lot going on right now, but there is always time for cyber-bullying conservatives!
Choose your own Trash Report! For more on Trump, keep reading here. For more on Florida, please jump to For More on Florida and Raccoons, below.
Last thing for the Trump section this week: The Biden campaign joined Truth Social, which is home only to Trump and his most die-hard fans. None of them would ever be turned by a post from Biden on the app, which means Biden's team is strictly there for the LOLs. Look, I didn't love getting a text from Biden asking me for $10 for his reelection effort the same day he was on TV promising billions in aid to Israel and Ukraine, but I do like this. There is potential for some real fun here.
Britney Spears has been dropping tidbits from her upcoming memoir The Woman In Me and it is very stressful! First there was the revelation that she got pregnant when dating Justin Timberlake and he pressured her to have an abortion. I've got no beefs with abortion, but choice is the cornerstone bit of the pro-choice movement, and Britney didn't seem to have one here, so I hate it. Thankfully, another released morsel was about her brief fling with Colin Farrell which I'd totally forgotten about and found very fun! Bless her for reminding me. She said that she and Farrell "were all over each other, grappling so passionately it was like we were in a street fight." Damn! That must have been some hot shit! Good for her dot gif. But also, in your recollection of this fling, didn't it seem like there was a scandalous age difference between Spears and Farrell? Turns out she was 21 and he was only 26, which is the perfect age difference for a post-breakup fling! Everybody's always gotta make everything weird with her.
Another participant in the celebrity memoir game of late is John Stamos. Do you care what John Stamos is up to? Honestly, I didn't, but I'm a slut for getting you all the funnest gossip so I begrudgingly skimmed some stories; lo and behold, it is interesting! Stamos recounted his early 2000's divorce from actress Rebecca Romijn (formerly Romijn-Stamos) with some refreshing—if dickish - honesty: "In my mind back then, she was the Devil, and I just hated her... I couldn't believe how much I hated her, and it ruined my life." We're so used to celebrities consciously-uncoupling and being super boring and nice during their divorces that this kind of mean confession—even 20 years later—is almost refreshing? And I should clarify, he didn't talk shit for the sake of talking shit, but went on to say that he dealt with that anger by turning to alcohol and eventually had to stop drinking and get his shit together and become a better person. Let this be a lesson to other jilted men: You may talk shit about your ex only as a step in the journey to becoming an emotionally mature adult.
For More on Florida and Raccoons
Speaking of trash pandas (and when am I not?!) AND speaking of Florida, The View co-host Ana Navarro hates them. Not you, the readers of The Trash Report, but actual trash pandas, AKA raccoons. Particularly the ones who ate her guest house in Florida. She said: "I don't care if they're cute, I don't care if PETA comes after me. This raccoon needs to die." She went on: "there's iguanas, they s—- in your pool. There's lizards, there's pythons that eat your Yorkies. There's alligators—there's alligators walking around on the street!" I want to try listing stuff that sucks about Florida! Okay: there's bugs, Ron DeSantis, hurricanes, trans bans, horrible humidity, and literally Donald Trump.
Meryl Streep and her husband of 45 years Don Gummer have been separated for over 6 years, Page Six reports. pic.twitter.com/MtsauRdzmu— Pop Base (@PopBase) October 21, 2023
The Oregonian reports that downtown Portland is 61 percent as alive as it was in 2019. And like, same, bitch.
Downtown Portland is far more active than previously estimated, revised study finds https://t.co/hdYPFbtvSx— The Oregonian (@Oregonian) October 22, 2023
And that's 61 percent on a good day. It's been a hard few years but the glass is over half-full. Christ, just take the W!
And in other local news, I am one of many thousands of parents across the Portland Public School district bracing for the teachers to go on strike. Explaining the situation to a 7-year-old really underscores just how fucking basic the issues here are: "Doesn't the government have money to stop this?" "They do." "Why don't they pay teachers and fix schools?" "They don't want to." "But that's mean!" "Yes, it is." Adding insult to injury, the strike is set to start on November 1st, when all of our kids are going to be cranky jerks with sugar hangovers from Halloween. Thanks a lot, PPS!
A haunted house but it's just people in the group chat refusing to commit to plans that would allow you to map out the rest of your day.— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) October 22, 2023
On that note, I'm going to be done with the column for today. Reminder that if you haven't bought Halloween candy yet, you need to get on it PRONTO or you will be the house giving out bottom-shelf fruit snacks or single Andes mints and the children in your neighborhood will spread rumors about you online. Thank you for reading, and for being my best friend.
Sour Patch Kidsly,