Listen up, sluts: it's me, Elinor Jones, bringing you another Trash Report despite the fact that Al Gore's internet is full of SALES, SALES, SALES, and all I want to do is SPENDDDDDD MONEYYYYYYY! Every time I fire up my laptop I accidentally do zero work but buy four sweaters; science can't actually explain it; I'm gonna look so awesome when I get fired from everything. Let's go ahead and ride out my posting access to this website with some festive tinseled trash

Royal Flushes

As per tradition, a variety of inbred aristocrats have released their annual holiday cards. Prince William and Princess Kathy opted for a simple black and white portrait of them with their three kids. Or is it so simple? Their youngest child Louis seems to be missing an entire finger:

If this is a photo shop fail, I want to know what in the world they possibly could have been editing around if this result is better than whatever was there before. Those royals have some messed up genetics, so obviously I am assuming the weirdest! I mean, we've all seen his Grandpa's hands

Meanwhile, shunned family members Prince Harry and Meghan Markle released theirs as well: it is a picture of them cheering for Bruce Springsteen in a crowd at the closing ceremonies of the Invictus Games, sending the message that while they may no longer be royals, they are still extremely cool and popular and friends with Bruce Springsteen. 

It's Not Slander if It's True

The ladies at The View were chatting about Hunter Biden last week, pointing out the very obvious fact that yes, he was trying to gain access based on his last name, but plenty of people do that. Host Ana Navarro even went there and said "People sitting at this table did it!" This was obvious shade at Meghan "My Father is John McCain" McCain, who, instead of ignoring the slight, brought more attention to it by tweeting that she intended to sue them for being defamatory and slanderous. Okay, without naming your father, please explain to the court the good name that was damaged here, Meg. Cuz you can't. 

December Movies

Timothee Chalamet's new movie Wonka ruled the box office over the weekend. A few days ago I would have grumbled about such an unnecessary project, but I finally watched the Greta Gerwig version of Little Women, and damned if li'l Timmy's Laurie doesn't deliver heaps of foppish charm turned up to 11! The man is highly watchable for being so slight. His charisma-to-body-fat ratio will be studied by scientists. I only hope that the levels of fame he deserves are not so weighty as to crush is perfect, delicate bones. 

Timmy's costar in Wonka is Hugh Grant, who starred in the Decemberiest movie of all, Love, Actually, which is trash, and I love it: 

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Questions You Didn't Know You Needed Answers To

Are you ever folding your laundry when you're hit with the intrusive question: "How many orgies did Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino have with Vinny and Pauly D at the Jersey Shore house?" I know it's happened to me! Thankfully, Sorrentino has answered this question on a recent podcast, saying "there may have been more than one." While not a definitive quantity, it's not zero. 

Then are you ever piling all of your folded laundry onto the edge of your dresser instead of putting it away which would arguably take the same amount of time when you can't stop wondering which animal is the most opposite of Hollywood actress Dakota Johnson? I got you. Johnson recently announced that sleep is her "number one priority in life," and she sleeps 10 - 14 hours per night. This is in stark contract to wild chinstrap penguins, which have recently been found to "microsleep" for just seconds at a time. Penguins: they're not like Dakota Johnson!

Then are you ever trying to dress yourself from a heap of clothes that have fallen onto the floor and you no longer know if they're clean or not when, out of the corner of your eye, you get a news alert from CNN that says "8-week-old sea otter peeks out of his enclosure. Oprah reacts to her portrait," and the article is about 2023's best photos but in your mind you conflate the two descriptions and then you cannot rest until you've used one of those AI image generators to put Oprah and an otter together in a single picture? Me too:

Local Trash, but Festive!

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler cut the ribbon on a seasonal skating rink underneath the Morrison Bridge. As much as I despise that the efforts to promote downtown Portland are a cynical ploy to ensure that wealthy property investors remain wealthy, the resulting vibe is actually quite pleasant. The only thing keeping me from testing out the pop-up skating rink is the fact that Lloyd Center also has a fab skating rink and the one there smells like Cinnabon, plus there's a hat kiosk right next it selling this hat:

Speaking of opinions on local matters, Portland cops polled a bunch of randos about how much everyone hates Portland, but they didn't poll us! So we've put together a survey of our own. Be sure to click through and share your thoughts on if Portland stinks, or if just the Union representing Portland cops is what stinks. 

This is all I've got for today, besties. Thanks for spending time with me. This year I asked Santa for the hottest and smartest readers around, and I'm pretty sure the big guy came through.

Cold outside,