Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. Or just regular welcome if this is your first time reading. I'm Portland's best kept secret, Elinor Jones. Can you believe January is over? I can hardly believe it myself. Things have been so shitty lately, I almost feel like it's a trick. Like we're destined to be trapped in January forever. Like when the groundhog sees his shadow, it's not just six more weeks of winter, it's six more weeks of January, and specifically, January 2025. Let's see if we can laugh instead of scream into the void? Is laughing into the void a thing? Let's try.
February
Along with celebrating that January ended, February is also special for being Black History Month. Trump has, of course, immediately ruined it. His proclamation recognizing the month called for "public officials, educators, librarians, and all the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities." On the same day, the Department of Defense put out a statement ending their official recognition of all "identity months." Presumably there's an addendum to Trump's proclamation with a list of things they consider "appropriate" way to celebrate Black History and it's just a blank page. Bait and switch is their whole governing strategy and I'm reminded of this perfect moment from the classic Weird Al Yankovic movie UHF:
Elsewhere in the fresh hell that is our federal government, Trump has been following through on his disgusting pledge to initiate massive immigration raids. He says they're going after criminals, which is of course, not true. But also—and I know this is pointless to say, because pointing out the hypocrisy does nothing because they don't care, and shame or remorse will never be the thing that brings them down—isn't it kinda crazy that Trump's criminal convictions would make him subject to his goon squads had he not had the random luck of having been born here?
You know who's the unexpected VIP of those goon squads? Television's Dr. Phil, for no reason at all! Harassing immigrants is sadistic any way you shake it, but especially when it's not your job, you just randomly show up to participate. Then he seems surprised when one of those immigrants he's harassing recognizes him from TV? Guess what, fuckhead: immigrants watch TV too!
Yes, this administration is dangerous and cruel, but they are also shockingly dim and incompetent.
Opportunities are everywhere.
Make everything as hard as possible. Resist every demand. Refuse entry without a warrant. Don’t take the buyout. Their problem solving skills are 📉
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@aoc.bsky.social) January 29, 2025 at 6:35 PM
Celebrities: They're Not Just Like Us!
Celebrity chef Geoffrey Zackarian was recently on a podcast where he talked about having cooked lunch for, out of all people, Anna Wintour, and that she ate butter-rich mashed potatoes, a rare burger, and a cappuccino. Wintour had struck me as a salmon-and-joyless-steamed-vegetables kind of eater, so this is really fun news! It's also funny news—mashed potatoes are a dinner food, and cappuccinos are a breakfast drink, so to have both at lunch is a power move if I've ever seen one. For being out of character, it's actually very in-character.
In other famous-people-lead-very-different-lives news, Reese Witherspoon recently revealed that she accidentally roasted another actress at an awards show which resulted in them not being friends anymore. Gossip sleuths quickly determined that she was talking about Kate Winslet, and it was from a 2007 BAFTA ceremony. The interesting thing isn't the falling out, but that the pair had apparently gotten laser hair removal together. Am I so basic and poor that it never occurred to me that this is something rich people do together? Like instead of getting a glass of wine, they get expensive and painful cosmetic procedures? And I felt fancy when my friends and I started ordering wine instead of the cheapest beer on the menu.
Speaking of rich people and lasers, Pete Davidson shared that he has spent upwards of $200,000 and several years getting most of his tattoos removed. I'm sure he's seeing the best tattoo remover a person can get, and I'm so curious to see how he looks when it's all done. I've seen the skin of friends who have undergone tattoo removal procedures and it doesn't look like plain skin so much as skin that used to be tattooed. Will he truly look like a blank slate when it's all done? If technology has arrived at a place where that can happen I'd love to revisit some decisions I made when I was 18. Wait, there's no way I could afford Pete Davidson's guy. Never mind. Those tattoos evoke lovely memories of my youth and I love them.
chappell talking about trans rights at the #grammys 🫂🏳️⚧️
— mac ✩‧₊˚ gets the job done (@readandmake0ut.swifties.social) February 2, 2025 at 3:30 PM
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Men Ruining Things
I learned from Variety that a musical adaptation of Coraline has been scrapped because of the extremely gross allegations of sexual assault against writer Neil Gaiman, which is how I learned that there was even a discussion of Coraline being adapted into a musical. Goddammit! It would have been so good! Few films could have married my family's interest in horror (my partner), brave girls (my daughter), and unnecessary musicals (me) quite like this idea that now will never see the light of day. I'm running out of time for new things to get mad at, but I'll find time for this!
Speaking of sexual misconduct allegations against a famous man resulting in cancellations of film adaptations of a beloved IP, a Pac-Man movie has been put on hold due to the ongoing It Ends With Us saga between Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni. My initial reaction was "thank GOD he's been black-listed and this movie won't exist" and then my second reaction, which came not even a second later, was "I need that movie." Because I want to know what would happen! Would it just be a round guy eating dots, getting chased by ghosts and eyeballs, hooking up with his clone in a bow? This led to losing the better part of an afternoon to learning about Pac-Man lore and watching clips from the 1980s Pac-Man television series. They show Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man carrying smaller circles that are presumably their children. What would Ms. Pac-Man have even looked like pregnant, when she is already so round? Like, where would an animator take that? What an interesting artistic challenge! Or are Pac-Mans (Pac-Men?) even mammals that give birth to living offspring? They've never said! They may very well lay eggs, which would make a lot more sense, considering their shape. In the cartoon they all wear boots so there are no context clues about what kind of feet they have (human, paw, talon, flipper, etc.) But we also don't know if a Pac-Man movie would have expanded on the universe created in the (not very good) cartoon, or if it would be a proper reboot. So now, the creepy behavior by a dude I'd never even heard of six months ago has me making time to be angry about another movie not existing. Justin Baldoni can gargle balls for this and I'm not talking about all those dots that Pac-Man eats!
Local Trash
Dang, I used up all my words writing about the Pac-Man movie that doesn't exist so I can't dive deep into local trash, but I do want you all to know that there's a special LOVE/SEX print edition of the Mercury out now, and there's even a bonus Trash Report in there! Print media has been at death's door for years, but it's not dead yet so support local journalism while you've got the chance.
Thanks for spending time with me today. It might snow this week, and Portland is always at its most hilarious when it might snow. Weather forecasts can be hit or miss, but keep an eye out on what people are stockpiling from the store. If Fred Meyer's is out of kale, we're fucked.
Safely,
