Hi there! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am mother trash panda, Elinor Jones. I hope you have been having a pleasant April spent refreshing your retirement account, wondering what was even the point of saving in your 20s for a future that may not happen when you could have just spent more money on drugs and skincare? The blissed-out girlies with zero pores are definitely not concerned with the tanking economy right now, and I am jealous. Are their foreheads glassy and still from treatments, or being unbothered in general? We should all be so lucky.

What else is happening out there? Let's dive in the the dumpster!

Not Caring is Creepy

Millions of people took to the streets over the weekend to protest the Trump/Elon administration's bullshit. Between these giant actions and the Cory Booker 25-hour Senate speech, it seems that the anti-Trump strategy is finally cohesively shifting from "do nothing" to "do at least something." We love to see it!

As bad as rest of the market is doing, Tesla is crashing twice as fast.

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— Erin Reed (@erininthemorning.com) April 4, 2025 at 7:31 AM

What better way to celebrate willfully tanking the global economy than by participating in a golf tournament? That's what Donald Trump did over the weekend. The event was held at a club that he owns, paid for by a country that owns him, and despite being a 78-year-old man with a body like Mr. Donutheadman from Wayne's World, he even won! Wow! Has anyone else seen the the greatest movie of all time, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping? I like this part:

As if "winning" the tournament wasn't enough, Trump also used the time to 1) avoid appearing at a dignified transfer of the remains of soldiers who died during training a Lithuania, and 2) attempt to broker a deal between two feuding golf tours. If the deal he's working on with those dudes pans out as well as the deals he's making with tariffs, things are not looking good for golf. 

Elsewhere in the Trump world, US Weekly reported that "Donald Trump Jr. and Girlfriend Bettina Anderson Get Cozy at Concert." But if you click through to read the article (always important!) you'll learn that they weren't getting cozy at a "concert," they were watching the band Sublime play at that same cursed golf tournament in Florida that Trump Sr. was at! Now I'll have to think twice before wearing the Sublime t-shirt I bought at Hot Topic in early COVID when shopping seemed altruistic.

Other Winning Male Politicians

A North Dakota mayor just had to resign after texting a nude video of himself to an attorney for the city during a conversation about a police officer's recent death by suicide. The mayor claimed it was an accident and said that he'd asked the attorney to delete the video before opening it, but the thumbnail itself displayed some of his naughty bits and the image was unavoidably seared into the attorney's eyeballs. I can't believe men hold the majority of the positions of power when they can't even keep their dirty pics on one phone and their work stuff on a different phone, like a normal person with half a brain. The mayor had tried to defend himself by saying he'd never sexually harassed anyone before in his career, but he also said that the nude video was meant for his girlfriend, and if he's gonna lie about having a girlfriend who would want to see a nude video of him, doesn't it also seem like he could be lying about the harassment?

Television Updates

Now that this season of White Lotus has wrapped (I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT SO BAD BUT WILL REFRAIN BECAUSE I KNOW MANY OF MY BEAUTIFUL READERS HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET AND I WOULD RATHER DIE IN A LUXURY THAI HOTEL THAN SPOIL IT FOR YOU), it is certainly NOT too early to start dreamcasting the next season. And this is perfect timing, because networks are now releasing their fall schedules, revealing which shows are getting canceled, and which actors will be available for work: Dylan McDermott, Keegan Michael Key, Bridget Everett, Rashida Jones, Noah Centineo, Kat Dennings, AND both current Power Renees (Rapp and Elise Goldsberry) are all newly unemployed?! Casting is freakin' done! I demand that every last one of them be immediately draped in linen and put up in a Four Seasons rightthisveryminute, Mike White! 

Speaking of casting, a new Beatles movie directed by Sam Mendes is in development and the actors playing the Fab Four were just announced. The list is a veritable "who's who" of white men who are talented and attractive without having yet ruined their normal human teeth with blindingly white veneers so they can still portray 60's-era English chainsmokers: John Lennon will be played by Sam Dickinson, Paul McCartney will be played by Paul Mescal, George Harrison will be played by Joseph Quinn, and Ringo Starr will be played by Barry Keoghan. I wonder if Keoghan was at home thinkin' about what hot shit he is to have dated Sabrina Carpenter, and then he gets the call from Sam Mendes going like, "you're going to be a Beatle!" and he's like, "John, right? Umm, hmm, then I guess Paul? I could be Paul. No? So what, I'm George? C'mon man, you gotta give me George at least," and Sam Mendes is like "um," and Barry Keoghan is like "shit. Okay." I think Keoghan should be grateful. He can mostly just tapppy-tap his drums while the rest of them argue. Not exactly an Oscar bait role, but he's already done a lot of those.

Rest in Peace, Val

Actor Val Kilmer passed away last week at the age of 65. Many remember Kilmer most fondly for his roles in Top Gun or The Doors. Personally, I always cherished him the most as as Batman in Batman Forever. I grew up in a very pro-Keaton household and we questioned the casting change, but no one could deny Kilmer's immense watchability up in the batsuit, holding his own as a Serious Actor in a truly bonkers movie. And no one can deny how incredible it is that we allowed for there to be a male heartthrob named VAL. Iconique. Will Forte had previously shared that he used to be roommates with Val Kilmer, and the pair seriously considered going on The Amazing Race together, but were dissuaded by their hacks. Excuse me, by their STUPID, NARROW-MINDED HACK agents. 

Animal News

Let's share out some good news from Florida for a change: from People magazine, "Woman Pries 6-Foot Alligator's Jaws Open to Save Her Rescue Dog from Deadly Attack."  This is incredible! Very brave, very Florida. What I love most about the story, though, is that the headline took space to clarify that the dog was a rescue dog. Like, can you believe this hero did all of this to save a dog that wasn't even one of the expensive kinds? It's like when celebrity profiles take pains to point out when a celebrity's children were adoptive. Just say dog. (Or child.)

In personal animal news, I went to the Oregon Zoo this weekend and saw the new baby elephant Tula-Tu, and she is indeed very cute! The zoo staff answering questions among the viewing crowd were sure to  mention her excellent trunk control, and while I know very little about baby elephants, I'm certain that what I was witnessing was some downright prodigy-level trunk control. Good job, Tula!!

This trunk control tho 😍

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— Elinor Jones (@elinorjoneser.bsky.social) April 6, 2025 at 6:09 PM

Local Trash

There was a poll by the American Collegiate Athletic Association and voters decided that University of Oregon's "The Duck" was the third-sexiest mascot in college basketball. I went to the University of Oregon, and the only thing I ever thought when I saw that duck was "why am I at a sports game right now, I'm hungover and I hate sports, keep that fucking thing away from me." Congratulations, Duck! I'm sure some cool people online have made some really inappropriate AI "art" about just how sexy you can get, but looking up an image like that would render my computer unusable. There would be no coming back from that Google search.

With your curiosity piqued from such a suggestion, I'm going to end this column so you can go about whatever freaky other shit you like to do online. I hope you have a great week, despite the economic calamity. Keep showing up for each other and know that I love you. 

Hands-Offedly,