Hi there, and welcome to the Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones. I'm writing this week's column on Father's Day, immensely grateful that my immediate family all had the fortune of being born in this country, and I don't have to live in fear in one of them being dragged away on their way to work. Just chillin', sobbin' in gratitude and sadness. An emotionally fraught time, to be sure! Don't you all think that since we don't get to have fluoride in our water in Portland they should at least dump in some SSRIs? This is too much!
Shall we gossip?
Birthday Boys
Two old men clinging to power held birthday parades over the weekend: King Charles in London, and Trump in DC. I feel like a giant inconvenience to my friends by suggesting they meet me for a drink at some point in the two-week period around my birthday, yet these motherfuckers are shutting down entire cities? The brain of a rich man is a hell of a thing.
Here in this idiot country, Trump spent $45 million of your and my dollars on a sparsely-attended parade of people in old-timey soldier costumes and tanks. He watched from behind a piece of bulletproof glass, looking bored out of his mind. (To be fair, he'd seen Les Miserables at the Kennedy Center earlier in the week; after such a dazzling play, I imagine the elevated car show was pretty boring!)
Meanwhile, over in merry olde England, King Charles had his own birthday parade, but instead of watching from the sidelines, he and his family rode in carriages. Does this say something about Trump's rising authoritarianism, that his military parade functions as a song and dance for him to observe—that the military serves him specifically, whereas King Charles understands his role as the commander of his army is to be part of the spectacle in service to the people? Or does Trump hate animals too much to sit in carriage behind a horse? I think both things, probably.
It’s bleak out there, but it’s heartening to know millions of people from all walks of life took the time to ruin one specific persons birthday, America’s hater spirit remains strong
— Jared Skolnick (@jaredskolnick.bsky.social) June 14, 2025 at 2:00 PM
In response, millions of people in dozens of cities across the USA took to the streets on Saturday for massive "No Kings" protests; some folks in the UK also protested their guy's parade, but by using the slogan "Not My King." And I just find this interesting. Do they just want a different king? Is the issue with Charles specifically, and not the monarchy in general? Not my king, so let's... what? Elect a different king? This is some messy branding, and that's coming from America.
It's pretty irritating how many pundits would hear the ideas "I want to shove 100 live scorpions in your mouth" and "I want to shove 0 live scorpions in your mouth" and sagely declare: "The wisest course of action is to let someone shove 50 live scorpions in your mouth."
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman.bsky.social) June 16, 2025 at 6:29 AM
Hot Girl Summer
Tiny sexpot Sabrina Carpenter is doing us all a solid by dropping new music ahead of the summer, and everybody was briefly joyous until she shared the cover art, which features her on her hands and knees with her hair being pulled by a faceless man, and another visual is a dog tag reading the album's title, "Man's Best Friend." It immediately made me think of This is Spinal Tap and their proposed album art for "Smell the Glove:"
The outrage machine is on one, with camps divided between being grossed out or charmed. I, for one, think she's done something great by getting people talking about the cover art instead of talking about how her new single is not actually that good! (Or maybe this is actually some deeply buried brand tie-in with the Spinal Tap sequel coming out later this year? If that is the case, I am firmly in camp Loving This For Us.)
Speaking of sluts, a new documentary about legendary journalist Barbara Walters is coming out, and her friends don't hold back on what a horned-up broad she was. She was married four times (to three men) and also had a handful of affairs with powerful men. The best part about the digital story as posted by People magazine is that the title of the article references her being a floozy, and the leading image is a photo of her with Fidel Castro, and they seem to be implying that Barbara Walters fucked Fidel Castro?!? This is excellent gossip! When I die, feel free to post a picture of me with whoever. Let the gossip mill churn in my absence. That's the only real way to honor my legacy.
Happy Couples!
Mazel tov to the newly engaged Dua Lipa and Callum Turner! While he seems slightly too normal for someone that cool, they seem very happy so I'm happy for them.
In other couple news, Brad Pitt was recently papped on a double date with his girlfriend Ines de Ramon and friends Bradley Cooper and Gigi Hadid. Brad and Gigi looked like their normal chill famous selves, whereas Brad and Ines looked like they were going to a Timothee Chalamet and Kylie Jenner look-alike contest. Ines was in a skintight dress with her long dark hair worn wavy and loose, while Brad wore a shiny shirt and very stupid pants. I don't know who he's trying to fool with this reboot. We know he is a 61-year-old man whose children hate him. And then he wants to dress dumb on top of that? He is begging to be dragged. (Also, Crazy Days and Nights recently revealed a Blind Item suggesting that Pitt hooked up with singer Tate McRae who is 40 years his junior. Freakin' yikes.)
Local News
Oregon-bred coffee chain Dutch Bros is moving its headquarters to Arizona because their new CEO lives in Phoenix. And with a name like Dutch Bros, the connection to Oregon will feel vague once they're gone. This is why, if you want to be a local brand, you have got to have a local name. Nobody would have ever moved them if they'd gone with one of the names I suggested, like Oregon Bros or Grant Pass Bros or Arizona Sucks Bros.
That's all for now, my sweet baby Trash Pandas. I consider you all my family, but I do need to spend time with the family I live with, which sadly does not include all of you. Not yet, anyway. ;)
Fuck ICE-ly,
