Hi, Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones. Now, some may worry that when I cover a Good Morning, News during the week that I'll have burned through my battery and wouldn't have any juice left for you all. Great news: I save all the best juice for you all. Let's tear this sucker open.

Money Can't Buy Airplane Taste

Trump has been up to so much wild shit lately that we almost forget he was extremely unconstitutionally given a fancy plane by Qatar, like, five minutes ago. (It was May, but still.) Everybody said at the time that it would cost millions to make it functional as an Air Force One, and it's sure looking like Trump is trying to keep that under wraps. $934 million was just transferred to the Pentagon for an "unnamed classified project." This is gross and wasteful and seems super illegal any way you slice it, but knowing that a portion of that money will be spent on gold-plated seatbelt buckles or tacky statues with huge bazongas or framed fake magazine covers or whatever just adds insult to injury.

Photo of Trump from today

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— MeidasTouch (@meidastouch.com) July 27, 2025 at 12:39 PM

Speaking of gross opulence in air travel, apparently the new luxe thing to do is spend thousands of dollars to get a private suite at Laguardia where private chefs will make you a seafood tower while you wait for your flight. I personally can't imagine anything more disgusting to line your belly with before a long flight than several pounds of shellfish. And the hubris! Imagine living life with such confidence that you'd roll the dice with your stomach like that. These are the people who don't care at all about the people who have to use the bathroom after them on the plane. 

And in other food news, former president Barack Obama went on his wife's podcast and said that he thinks ketchup should not be eaten by anyone over 8 years old. If he said such a thing in 2007 he never would have become president. Maybe Trump would have gone after him for that instead of the whole birther thing? Or perhaps this simply would have added ammunition to his claims.

Millennial Catnip

Katie Holmes has cast her former Dawson's Creek love interest Pacey Joshua Jackson in her upcoming movie project Happy Hours, a trilogy which she is writing and directing. This is some brilliant casting. I can't imagine wanting to see a Katie Holmes picture, let alone three in a row (nothing against her, I just don't really know what her POV would be?) but THIS? This is smart. I will watch. My friends and I will go together. The first one can suck and we'll keep going. It's Avengers for elder millennials, especially girls with brown hair who felt plain in the '90s, if that makes sense? 

Speaking of being a certain age, I finally had to look up who this Trisha Paytas woman is because I saw the news of her third child's birth and that she named the baby Aquaman. I actually fucking love this. Anything -man as a name for a baby is too funny to not celebrate. The world needs this kind of whimsy! If we have an Aquaman, that means Batman, Rocketman, Birdman—all of these are on the table now. Imagine meeting a tiny blob in a pink blanket named Catwoman. It would be the best day of your life. Anyway, apparently Trisha's offspring carry the souls of famous people who die the same day the babies are born, which means she's got a Queen Elizabeth, a Pope Francis, and now also an Ozzy Osbourne. Lucky for her the baby came when it did and she didn't end up with a Hulk Hogan! Not that I could hate a baby—especially not a baby named Aquaman—but like, that baby would not be my favorite. 

Hulk hogan died when his own skeleton tore him off like a t-shirt

— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith.com) July 26, 2025 at 5:11 PM

Pedro Pascal News

I don't really read my past columns, but I'd wager that most of them from the last year or two mention Pedro Pascal at some point. He's just a likable guy, and we deserve it! Now he's out doing press for the new Fantastic Four movie, and he said that he found himself so weird-looking with a clean-shaven face in Wonder Woman 1984 that he'd never be face-bald for a movie again. I agree—if you click through to that link I shared, it really is jarring. Seeing his smooth cheeks without stubble is like seeing Zooey Deschanel's forehead without bangs. It feels indecent, bordering on illegal.

Also, I did not know this, but apparently Pedro Pascal was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer back in the day. Another big piece of gossip this summer involves a rumored feud between Jennifer Love Hewitt and Buffy herself Sarah Michelle Gellar, which now ties in Pedro Pascal, proving the man really is in everything right now.

(All of this being said, the only movie I've got on repeat right now is K-Pop Demon Hunters. It's so good, you guys. I think it's being marketed to children, but if you're sleeping on it, you're making a huge mistake. I was recently blasting the soundtrack in the car with my daughter and I thought, am I lame? But I answered myself: No, this truly fucking rules.) 

Local Trash

Portland's annual Naked Bike Ride went off without a hitch over the weekend. Meanwhile, the project to revamp the freeway through the Rose Quarter just lost funding. Let me get this straight: Bike riding naked = easy, free, no carbon footprint; expanding freeways = hard, expensive, pollutes. Solution: turn the Rose Quarter into a car-free, clothing optional transit zone? Do we have something here?!?

The East Portland Community Center pool is temporarily closed due to a broken broiler. My heart goes out to the parents lucky enough to have gotten their kid into swim classes that they now have to miss a day of. This would be like having to return 20% of your lottery jackpot due to a broken broiler.

Am I going to see you at the Portland Mercury's 25th Anniversary Party?! If you see me you can say hi, or if you prefer to show affection by nervously avoiding people, I get it, and that is also totally fine.

Millennially,