Hellooooo, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am Elinor Jones, thriving once again now that it’s officially fall. My forearms are sick of being exposed to fresh air and I’m ready to get my shit bundled all the way up. Shorter days mean longer nights, which means you can start watching TV earlier without feeling like a dirtbag. Speaking of being a dirtbag, let’s gossip!
National Trash
Defense War Secretary Pete Hegseth is following through on his plan to test men’s testosterone levels and then juice them up if the levels seem low. Aw, it’s so nice those Republicans have changed their tune on gender-affirming care! Some side effects of artificially jacked up testosterone levels include irritability, aggression, or even shrunken testicles or the development of breast tissue. I love that his quest to make men extra manly might result in sterile men with impressive racks. Don’t you think it’s funny how much these dudes care about being manly men, and that they rename whole departments to sound tougher, but their job title is still “secretary”? That is one of the most stereotypically girl jobs ever, and these are the most phenomenally insecure men on the planet. It’s really just a matter of time before they dial in on this and change it to like “captain” or “ruler” or something. Captain of Defense. Ruler of Agriculture. Final Boss of Commerce. Daddy’s Specialist Boy of Transportation.
In other national disaster human, FBI Director Kash Patel is still doubling down on his decision to change FBI qualifications to remove the ban on applicants who have been involved in bestiality. Patel has claimed that it’s to protect victims of trafficking who may have been sexually abused, but this is Epstein’s party: they don’t care about victims of trafficking. But the only thing they love more than getting away with being abusive is giving jobs to their abusive friends and their friends’ kids, so the only logical conclusion is that Patel has some family or friends with fuck-up young adult children who really want a cushy federal gig, but there is incontrovertible evidence of animal fucking and Patel is trying to get ahead of it. Like, why else cling to this so hard? Doesn’t he know what it looks like for him to keep talking about it? He looks frightening talking about regular things.
Excellence in New York Arts Progeny
Lena Dunham and Lady Gaga both dropped baby news over the past couple weeks. This is actually really important for humanity, because in a year when JD Vance and Karoline Leavitt also just had babies, it will kind of balance out the conservatism at ultra-elite private schools. It’s great for the teachers of those future schools, too. Those teachers aren’t going to have to worry about getting some lame Starbucks gift card for Christmas. Lady Gaga is going to show up at parent-teacher conferences with a gift-wrapped plaster cast of her naked torso, and the teacher will be like, “wow I love it!” while trying to conceal the gift she’d received earlier that day which was a plaster cast of Lena Dunham’s naked torso.
I hope that Dunham and Gaga’s babies become friends. Millie Bobby Brown also announced the adoption of a new child this week, and no offense, but I don’t think her kid would be friends with the other two. New York celebrity kids are different from landed gentry celebrity kids. Like, overalls can be worn for splattering paint onto canvas in a four million dollar loft, or carrying a bucolic pail of milk, but not both.
Other Celebrity Excellence
Tom Cruise has a new movie out and he recently sat down with GQ for his first cover story in a decade. This man does not have to do interviews, so why now? GQ kept asking him this, and many other questions, and his answer every time was pretty much, “I love the movies!” All the interview really revealed is that he starts most of his sentences with “look.” And THAT is the confidence of a bygone era. I start most of my sentences with “um.” Cruise was then photographed sitting next to Taylor Swift at a Chiefs game where they appeared to be talking animatedly. Cruise said Swift was talking about football. Swift has not said what Cruise was talking about, but I’m going to assume it was how much he loves movies.
Speaking of movies (call me Tom Cruise the way I’m over here speaking of movies!) the celebrity gossip site Crazy Days and Nights revealed a blind item suggesting that the reason Ryan Gosling doesn’t want to do a Barbie sequel is because he is working too hard on developing a new live action Flintstones movie. It’s not that he’s rejecting a Barbie sequel, because it would be a cynical cash-grab; it’s that he’s working on a whole ‘nother cynical cash-grab. Like what is he even yabba dabba doing? Hey Ryan? Yabba dabba don’t.
With Friends Like These
This thing with Ed Sheeran and Macklemore has gotten so huge, it’s changing by the day and I debated writing about it, because who knows what will be happening by the time your eyes get on this column—but I have to. The latest is that Sheeran broke down in tears at a Philadelphia concert after apologizing for fucking up his response so badly. Keep in mind that Sheeran only did this because dozens of artists with much more to lose stepped away from him and the public blowback could not be ignored. Macklemore is a real one and that definitely is not something I thought I’d say after his stupid song about thinking he was gay as a kid because he liked drawing. (I can respect his position on Palestine and free speech while still reminding everyone of that!)
Women in Sports
Speaking of things I simply cannot resist mentioning, that story about the Australian athlete who shit her pants and kept competing is truly vile. However, I have the mind of a 9-year-old boy and the incident is giving me some incredible inspiration for new lyrics to the diarrhea song:
When you try to run a lap /
but you really have to crap /
diarrhea (fart fart)
diarrhea (fart fart)
I could go on (I definitely have in my head) but you get the idea. Anyway, the other main story about women in sports this week was Sydney Sweeney and her horny gambling ad, and I wanted to cover this one instead because women should not always be sexualized in sports and the diarrhea story certainly does not.
Local Trash
I am trying to stay away from as many election polls as possible because some look too good to be true, and some really freak me out—but don’t forget that a lot is on the line here in Oregon, including a very close governors race. The deadline to register to vote is October 21 and you can check your voter registration here.
Need more me? Clicky click here!
And finally, in us news, Merriam Webster added 1400 new words and definitions to the dictionary this year, including trash panda. Their definition is simply “raccoon (humorous or informal)” when I know the true definition of trash panda is “beautiful adoring fan of the Trash Report (humorous and *extremely* formal).
Definitively,
