Hello sweet angel trash panda babies! Welcome back to the Trash Report. It’s me, Elinor Jones. Can you believe we’re in the -ber months already? This is probably not going to surprise you, because my basicness oozes off me like stink lines from a turd—but I love the fall. It’s my time. I love the longer evenings, the little nip in the air, fuzzy socks… all of it. Granted, this fall has been really mild so far, so I’ve had to cheat by closing all of my windows and bumping the AC, and then I wrap my hands around a hot cup of tea while looking forlornly outside. “Brrr,” I say, averting my gaze from my neighbor mowing his lawn with sunglasses and no shirt. “More like Octo-brrrr, ha ha.”
Speaking of tea, I have some!
Hallo-Win Back the House?
Who’s ready for a fright? Boo! It’s almost the midterms and the Democrats could win back the House and the Senate! Or not! While anxiously worrying how it’s all going to shake out, I have been allowing myself moments of joy, and yes, I’ve hit the hope-ium pipe. I am especially taken by Democratic Texas congressional candidate Bobby Pulido, a Tejano music star. His Republican opponent tried to neg him by saying, “this isn’t about who you want performing at your niece’s quinceanera” and Pulido was like, “damn, that’s a good idea,” and has spent the past several weeks showing up at dozens of quinceaneras, singing for free, and winning everyone over. Even if this strategy doesn’t work, at least it’s fun. Everybody is in a good mood at quinceaneras. Plenty of Democrats are going to lose after spending night after night with rich donors demanding lower taxes on data centers, or whatever, whereas Pulido gets to kick it around happy families wearing fun clothes and demanding he have more tamales and take some to go for his family, too. Anyone running for office who says they’d rather not be doing shots of tequila is a damn liar.
Spooky Splits
Great news for single ghouls who hate themselves but love money: Elon Musk is single again! He and his most recent partner Shivon Zilis just broke up after five years and four children together. Zilis posted on Twitter (the platform Musk owns) that there was “no warning” about the breakup, but “will always be cheering for his happiness.” She better cheer pretty loud, because apparently Musk already unfollowed her! Ouch. In other Musk news, since Trump has said that he will rebrand AI as SI for “super intelligence,” Musk said he will also rebrand SpaceXAI to SpaceXSI. Sure. Whatever. They can call it whatever they want, but we still call X “Twitter,” so good luck.
In other couple’s news, former Trump defense secretary, and former South Dakota governor, and former owner of a dog named Cricket (who she shot), Kristi Noem, is getting a divorce from her husband of 34 years, Byron Noem. We might remember Byron Noem from when pictures of him leaked with giant balloon tits. The couple hope to keep the divorce quiet and amicable, but I suspect it’s going to pop off. It remains to be seen if the pop will be Byron’s balloon tits, or Kristi shooting another dog.
Slay-lor Swift
Taylor Swift released four new tracks as bonuses to her Life of a Showgirl album and folks have been trying to figure out what each lyric is about, as we do. Single “Patient Zero” has been attributed to splits with both Matty Healy and Joe Alwyn. However, I heard a very interesting theory on Las Culturistas, which is that Taylor wrote “Patient Zero” to drag Ellen Degeneres! Listen up: So, Dakota Johnson stars in the music video, and Dakota Johnson is who famously called out Ellen for being “fake friendly” on her talk show back in 2022. The music video shows a headstone that reads “1986 – 2022.” 1986 is apparently when Ellen broke out in comedy. Get it? 1986-2022 was Ellen’s career. The lyrics of the song make it sound like it was written about a dude, but Taylor loves a gender-swap, so this totally makes sense. And much like the quinceanera guy, even if it doesn’t work, it is so fun.
In other Dakota Johnson news, she might be dating MGK. What’s great about this is that it adds new options for what a girl on Love is Blind might look like when she claims to look like someone who used to be with MGK.
Spirit (Tunnel) Halloween
Tom Cruise has been aggressively promoting and trying to build Oscar buzz around his new movie Digger. The man hasn’t done press in years and really doesn’t need to? First he did a big profile in GQ, and then he even went on to do the Spirit Tunnel at Jennifer Hudson’s talk show, and it’s been very confusing. Come to learn that the reviews for Digger haven’t been great, so it’s starting to make sense. Cruise even did the Spirit Tunnel in the Risky Business sunglasses, but like, if he really wanted buzz, he should have done it in socks and boxers! This man would fly a motorcycle off a cliff for the Mission Impossible movies, but he won’t drop trou for Digger and a statue? Clearly Tom doesn’t even really believe in this project.
Hocus Brocus
’90s teen mag heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas was arrested for disorderly conduct and being drunk in public last month. According to reports, he was a passenger in a car and the driver was pulled over for suspicions of DUII, and JTT was being obnoxious, alleging he even kicked one of the cops in the stomach. But I don’t buy it. Being an annoying drunk when your buddy is getting arrested? Yes, believable, that is called being a friend. But kicking a cop in the stomach? That is not a “drunk friend” move. Try it. Put down your device and try it. Like don’t actually kick someone in the stomach, but kick something at that height. It’s hard! Now pretend you’re drunk. Now pretend you’re 45. You still landing that stomach-height kick? I didn’t think so. This story does not add up and I declare Jonathan Taylor Thomas innocent of all charges. (See JTT? When I wrote you that fan letter in 1993 pledging to love you forever I meant it.)
Speaking of mysteries, a Missouri man recently took a DNA test and then found out that his biological father was none other than yacht rock legend Michael McDonald. When they connected, McDonald was playing coy like “I’m a musician” and “I’ll be through Missouri on so-and-so date,” and then the guy just came out and asked if he was Michael McDonald, and Michael McDonald said yes. That is such a crazy guess! Because even if he figured out the dates and saw he was touring, how bold of him to assume it was the star and not like, a touring backing guitarist or something? That confidence of that adoptee! His adoptive parents clearly loved him very much. Good for him.
RIP
Where I wrote RIP above was not just a thematic sub-head, but a thought for actor Dennis Haskins, the actor who played Principal Belding on Saved by the Bell. I’m always nervous to click through obits of famous actors from my childhood, because so many of them turned out to be child molesters, but Haskins sounded like a legit nice person, thank god. What I wouldn’t give for just one more “Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?” Because my answer would be “crying.” Pour one out for Mr. Belding the next time Zack Attack’s “Friends Forever” comes on at the club (which should be soon if you go to the right kind of club.)
Renee Hellweger
I am obsessed with the following true sentence, so gear up: a lady is suing Renee Zellweger because that lady fell into a hole that was covered by a rug at a rental property owned by Renee Zellweger’s boyfriend. Not since the man skied into Gwyneth Paltrow in Utah have I heard of a more cash-grabby and hilarious injury. And an embarrassing one to boot! Imagine falling into a hole that was covered in a rug. Mortifying. The rest of the party she was probably like, “I swear, I’m fine, really” just to brush it off and pretend it never happened. But THEN she finds out that Oscar-winning actress, Miss Bridget Jones herself, Renee Zellweger is tangentially involved with the property?! Then she’s clutching her elbow like “owww, my hole injury is actually very severe.” And like, who covers a hole with a rug? Is Renee Zellweger’s boyfriend Elmer Fudd? Was he trying to catch Bugs Bunny? (If this was a truly bad injury I am very sorry, it’s just that it’s so funny. If I ever die from falling into a hole that was concealed by a rug, trust that you have my permission to laugh at my funeral.)
On that most perfect and wonderful story, I am closing up this column for today. I hope that you have an amazing month, an amazing Halloween, and that your costume is exactly as slutty as you are comfortable with.
Spookily,
