While this maybe seems like the answer to a dumb question (“Whaddya mean ‘what is there to do this week? CHRISTMAS is what you do this week!'”) you might be surprised at what else a week can be even when there’s a Christmas smack in the middle of it. There’s some funk (DâM Funk, to be precise), there’s some basketball, there’s even some Liberace and Liza (!?) on the menu, and that’s not counting the veritable feast of movies and tv to gorge upon. Hit the links below and load your plate accordingly
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Monday, Dec 23
Portland Trail Blazers vs. New Orleans Pelicans
The Blazers welcome Zion Williamson, Lonzo Ball, and the rest of the new-look Pelicans to town for a Monday night match-up at the Moda Center. (Mon Dec 23, 7 pm, Moda Center, $43 & Up, all ages)
11th Hour Holiday Market
It’s maybe not quite the 11th hour, but Threshold is cutting it damn close with this late-in-the-season holiday pop-up for those of you who maybe procrastinated with your shopping… but much more likely just didn’t have time until today because of a busy schedule and the world in general just kind of being a giant unholy mess. Anyway, over a dozen local artists and crafters will be sharing locally made wares for you to buy, you can snack on food by Kichana, enjoy some Threshold brews, and listen to live holiday music while you hang out with Santa! (Mon Dec 23, 4 pm, Threshold Brewing & Blending, free)
It’s a Tony Starlight Christmas
For the 25th anniversary of his first steps onto the Space Room stage back in 1994, Tony takes his all-star Christmas celebration (fueled by his All-Star Horns) to Revolution Hall, bringing along his patented brand of swinging holiday cheer combining comedy, storytelling, and the sounds of absolute legends like Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, and of course Neil Diamond. (Mon Dec 23, 7:30 pm, Revolution Hall, $20-39)
Christmas at the Old Church
Michael Allen Harrison’s annual holiday jubilee, featuring contributions from notable Portland artists and personalities coming together to bring Christmas to musical life. (Mon Dec 23, 7:30 pm, The Old Church, $22.50-59.95, all ages)
ZooZoo
Imago’s holiday tradition pops back up in Portland with all the polar bears, penguins and more that you’ve come to expect from the production. (Dec 23-24, Mon noon & 3 pm, Tues 3 pm, Imago Theatre, $15.50-34.50)
Cinnamon Bear Cruise
Behold, the long-held Portland tradition of taking your kid on a boat to hang out with a giant candy-scented bear. Featuring holiday treats, fanciful characters, and photos with the Cinnamon Bear as he sits on his magical throne. (Mon Dec 23, 2 pm & 6:30 pm, Portland Spirit, $20-43, all ages)
Tuesday, Dec 24
KEXmas Eve
Beloved Portland quartet Jenny Don’t and the Spurs bring their vintage country and western sounds out to Portland’s newest hotel, lounge, and nightspot to head up a free and festive holiday show. (Tues Dec 24, 8 pm, KEX, free, all ages)
Festa Dei Sette Pesci: Feast of the Seven Fishes
Roe returns for Christmas Eve with their 2nd annual Feast of the Seven Fishes, showing that italian food isn’t just noodles and sauces—the old country knew its way around some fish, too. But there’s definitely going to be some damn good pasta and salad as well as this seven-course meal made Sardinian recipes handed down to Chef John Conlin by his grandmother, and everything tastes better the night before Christmas. (Tues Dec 24, 5:30 pm, Roe, $180)
George Balanchine’s The Nutcracker
Join Marie, the Sugar Plum Fairy, and the Prince as Oregon Ballet Theater brings the holiday tradition to the Keller stage once again, complete with falling snowflakes, stunning scenery, and elaborate costumes, all set to Tchaikovsky’s celebrated score. (Tues Dec 24, noon, Keller Auditorium, $24 & Up)
The Grotto’s Christmas Festival of Lights
The Grotto’s annual Festival of Lights celebration is a bonafide Portland tradition, transforming the serene grounds into one of the largest Christmas choral festivals in the world. Walk a one-quarter mile long light trail, enjoy outdoor caroling, puppet shows, and a live petting zoo. (Tues Dec 24, 5 pm, The Grotto, $6.50-12.50, all ages)
Christmas Day
Holiday Movies and TV Galore
Reportedly, some people actually enjoy the holidays—thankfully, for the rest of us, this is also the time of year when movie studios and streaming services release a ton of great stuff. In theaters, Rey and Kylo face off in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker! Greta Gerwig adapts Little Women! Charlize Thereon, Nicole Kidman, and Margot Robbie take on FOX News in Bombshell! I guess I also have to mention the unholy abomination that is Cats! Disney+ has the season finale of The Mandalorian Baby Yoda, BBC America brings back Doctor Who, Netflix premieres The Witcher and Tiffany Haddish’s special Black Mitzvah, and HBO has finales for Watchmen and His Dark Materials. Oh, and there are also repertory screenings around town that include The Nightmare Before Christmas and It’s a Wonderful Life! Yeah. You can watch all that, no problem. (Various Locations, see Movie Times for titles and showtimes) ERIK HENRIKSEN
The Jack London Sip & Strip Christmas Show Spectacular
Critical Hit Burlesque is unwrapping all sorts of salacious presents at the Jack London this Christmas, so if you felt like getting out of the house, well… now you definitely have somewhere to go to keep yourself warm, toasty, and holly jolly. (Wed Dec 25, 8:30 pm, Jack London Revue, $15-20)
Thursday, Dec 26
Dina Martina Christmas Show
What exactly is “Dina Martina?” Simply put, Dina (Seattle drag artist Grady West) is the greatest and simultaneously worst performer the world has ever seen. She sings, she dances, she interacts with the audience. One could classify her as a Vegas-style performer, were it not for the fact that Vegas would never hire her. Nor Reno. Nor Branson, Missouri. Hell, she would be hard-pressed to land a gig at a Texaco food mart. Nevertheless, she will undoubtedly put on one of the most weird, twisted, and thoroughly entertaining holiday shows you are ever likely to see. Miss this at your immense peril! (Thurs Dec 26, 8 pm, Aladdin Theater, $25-40, all ages) WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
DâM-FunK, Nosaj Thing, J-E-T-S
In case it wasn’t apparent from his moniker, Los Angeles-raised artist Damon “Dâm-Funk” Riddick (pronounced “dame funk”) takes funk very seriously, and can slay a project without having to even open his mouth. Come see him live to support one of the rare modern artists keeping funk alive and innovative, and also catch a performance from Nosaj Thing, (another LA native who’s produced tracks for Chance the Rapper and Kendrick Lamar), and a DJ set from Machinedrum, an electronic producer specializing in glitchy hip-hop and house music. (Thurs Dec 26, 9 pm, Holocene, $25-30) JENNI MOORE
A Very Liberace & Liza Christmas
Jillian Snow Harris appeared at the end of a recent production, as a sequined deus ex machina—a telekinetic Liza Minnelli. She used her ESP to lift fallen furniture off Portland’s premiere drag clown Carla Rossi, sang “Cabaret,” and landed a few exceptional quips. And I realized: Oh, I like Liza Minnelli impersonations! Now I’m HUNGRY for more! The Liberace & Liza Christmas show (with David Saffert as Liberace) promises sing-a-longs, glam costumes, and glittering, witty asides and sounds like exactly the thing to keep my energy jazzy into the New Year. (Thurs Dec 26, 7:30 pm, CoHo Theater, $25) SUZETTE SMITH
Chad Hates George, Raccoon Vemon, Potshki, Beggars Canyon
Houston’s Chad Hates George (featuring members of Days n’ Daze and Escape From The Zoo) bring their crust and folk-punk sounds to the Twilight, with Portland’s own Raccoon Vemon, Potshki, and Beggars Canyon holding down the local support. (Thurs Dec 26, 8:30 pm, Twilight Cafe & Bar, $10)
Portland Youth Philharmonic: Concert at Chistmas
America’s first youth orchestra returns to the Schnitz for their traditional post-Christmas concert. This year’s program includes performances of Camille Saint-Saëns’ Danse Bacchanale, Copland’s Danzón Cubano, selections from Bizet’s Carmen, and Yoda’s Theme from The Empire Strikes Back, as composed by John Williams. (Thurs Dec 26, 7:30 pm, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, $10 & Up, all ages)
Michael Dean Damron
I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch in the House frontman Michael Dean Damron swings through Dante’s to cure any remaining holiday hangovers with a free hometown show in the Limbo Lounge. (Thurs Dec 26, 8 pm, Dante’s, free)
The Stomp
The local Americana and country blues ensemble bring their soulful sounds out to the Goodfoot for a bit of post-holiday/pre-NYE partying. (Thurs Dec 26, 9 pm, Goodfoot, $7)
Don’t forget to check out our Things To Do calendar for even more things to do!