Your hair smells like a nightmare I had once.
Your hair smells like a nightmare I had once.
Courtesy of ABC/Carl Costas

Tonight’s Bachelorette was crazy! Is it me or does JoJo suddenly look like an expelled can of cheez whiz with a dust bunny on top of it? Man did she seem desperate trying to get everyone to love her tonight! Oh, that was Donald Trump at the RNC? My bad. Honestly though, The Bachelorette is a terrible show that represents the worst of human nature and empty-calorie entertainment, but it seems like Shakespeare compared to the Republican shit-show we’re watching.

Anyway, let’s get to the real deal. Click here to catch up on last week’s recap: VOTE DEAR GOD VOTE AND TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW TO VOTE.

Episode Preview: HOMETOWNS! Luke’s heart is JoJo’s. Jordan’s relationship with his brother is bad. Robby’s past with his Ex-GF rears its ugly head:

Hit the jump to unpack it all>>>

Chase’s Hometown:
JoJo arrives in Chase’s hometown in Somewhere-I-Guess, Colorado. Chase reveals that his parents got divorced when he was eight and is worried that JoJo won’t understand that since her parents have been married for 30 years. They sit on a picnic blanket and talk about it. The divorce was apparently lawsuit bad so he’s going to have her meet his parents separately. Too bad this isn’t Christmas so JoJo could get TWO sets of presents.

Chase takes JoJo to his ancestral McMansion. His father arrives and they immediately start talking about the divorce. At the time Chase’s dad was climbing the corporate ladder and lost track of his priorities. Dad tells him to learn from his mistakes. Chase and Dad have a heart to heart where Dad warns him to be cautious that his choices could have a big impact on other people. Chase asserts that he’s, “Diving into this one.”

Later JoJo meets the mom side of the family. Chase's mom, Sandy, takes JoJo aside. JoJo brings up Chase’s reluctance to open up emotionally. Shady chalks it up to Chase being a child of divorce. Sandy also says, “If you’re not having fun, then you just need to have fun.” Which might be the most Republican thing I’ve ever heard.

Chase and his sister talk one on one. They talk about how tough it is to say “I love you” because they’ve been hurt by their family’s history. Chase also get’s the biggest single tear down his face while talking to his mom. Seriously, it’s like he’s a Native American who just watched someone litter, which makes sense because everything about this show is garbage.

As JoJo leaves Chase's house he tells her that he’s falling in love with her. That’s a big step for him.

Jordan’s Hometown:
We move on to Chico, California where Jordan’s family lives. The first thing that happens is JoJo gets startled by a deer. Jesus JoJo, relax it’s just a deer, not a step-dad.

Jordan and JoJo are meeting at a park, but quickly move on to his high school. His team was the Vikings. That was my high school mascot, too! Vikings make weird mascots, what with the whole being historically famous for rape, murder, and theft thing. Our own Ian Karmel has an opinion about Vikings as mascots, too.

Anyway, they meet some of his old favorite teachers and makeout in the library—with each other, not the teachers. UNFORTUNATELY. They find some old photos of Jordan on the walls. JoJo finds pics of Aaron too (Jordan's famous pro-football brother) and Jordan is awkward about it. She asks if they shouldn’t talk about him. He says it’s fine. But “fine” is just something people say when they mean “Fuck you, but okay, but fuck you.”

JoJo is anxious to impress Jordan’s family. They go to his home where his parents and non-famous brother are waiting. His mom refers to Jordan as her “spicy child” because he was the troublemaker, not because she’s a cannibal… UNFORTUNATELY.

Jordan’s brother, Luke, takes JoJo aside first. She brings up Aaron being estranged from the family. Luke is impressed that Jordan shared that with her, thinks it means a lot. It doesn’t. Nothing means anything. We all die eventually.

JoJo asks Jordan’s dad how he feels about the way she and Jordan met. He says it’s weird but supports Jordan. Jordan talks to his mom and she can tell he’s in love. And Jesus Christ this is boring! These family conversations are all the same.

Don’t watch this clip. It’s boring but I felt like I needed something to break up the text.

On the way out Jordan tells JoJo that he loves her, and she wants to say it too—but knows how painful that was when Ben did that to her. Jordan knows he wants to marry her. I could go for a snack.

Robby’s Hometown:
Next JoJo goes to meet Robby’s family in Saint Augustine, Florida. Right off the bat, Robby asks JoJo to whistle. She does and a horse-drawn carriage pulls up. They ride around touring the town. JoJo is worried that Robby’s last relationship was too recent and that he isn’t fully over it. She tells him as much. He tells her it’s staying in his past, but what if she’s a time traveler is all I’m saying.

They go to his house to meet his family. His mom, dad, sisters and brother. His dad goes by “Coach” and let me ask, who the fuck does this guy think he is? Friday Night Lights? Does he think he’s Friday Night Lights? Does he? Asshole.

Anyway, JoJo immediately makes a great first impression. Robby goes off with his brothers and they can tell he’s in love. He tells them that he’s gotten zero sleep and had a lot of panic attacks thinking about how JoJo has three other hometown dates this week. This shit is so boring, I’m basically white knuckling it through this episode.

Meanwhile JoJo is talking with his mom and brings up the ex-girlfriend situation. She assures JoJo that if Robby is earnest when he expresses his emotions. JoJo tells her that she’s falling in love with Robby too.

After that his mom pulls Robby aside to tell him that his ex-girlfriend’s roommate has been spreading rumors that Robby only broke up with his ex to go on the show. He’s pissed to hear about that, and doesn’t want it to ruin his relationship with JoJo. So he takes it to her first to get ahead of the story. JoJo confronts him, asking if there’s any truth to the rumor. Did he break up with his ex when he found out he was going on the show?

Robby says it isn’t true, that his relationship ended 9 months before it was actually over. I had a diet like that once. JoJo trusts him, but is worried that she could come back into the picture. I can only imagine they’ll grow stronger if they get through this, but Robby is scared that his past is a dark cloud will ruin his relationship with JoJo.

Luke’s Hometown:
The last Hometown is In Burnet, Texas. JoJo is from Texas, and is glad to be back in her home state. Upon meeting, Luke surprises JoJo with a drive out to his family farm where roughly 50 people are waiting. Luke invited over all of his family and friends over for a BBQ. JoJo jumps right in like a champ. Luke’s folks are really impressed with her.

Luke and his dad have a pretty touching heart to heart where they say “I love you” to each other. It’s the manliest thing I’ve ever seen and I’m not joking.

Luke has another surprise for JoJo—surprise it’s horses. They ride out to a couch made of hay and recap the day. Luke thinks she fit in well and hopes she feels the same. She does. He tells her that he’s excited about the future, and wants it with her. They kiss HARD as the sun sets behind them. It’s basically like this, but with kissing:

After the smooching Luke does his best Steve Jobs and pulls a “One more thing!” He takes her to a heart made of rose petals in a field. He tells her that his heart is hers—but doesn’t tell her that he’s falling in love with her.

The Rose Ceremony: This week’s ceremony takes place at a jet hanger. One guy is going home. None of the guys are safe. The winners are going to fly off to their next destination. Chris asks JoJo what she’s going to do, and she doesn’t know. She thinks it’ll be Luke. I'm shocked, but he's the only guy who hasn't said the L word. She picks up the first rose—and Luke interrupts to ask if they can talk for a second.

He uses the moment to tell her that he’s in love with her and regrets not telling her that night. She says that it’s the one thing that she wanted to hear. She walks away to think.

Is his last minute profession of love enough to keep him? She feels out of control, and is afraid of making a mistake. She MELTS DOWN with indecision. This is basically what I’m like when I have to choose where to go for dinner:

The episode ends with a To Be Continued...

Next week is a TWO NIGHT event— Monday is JoJo’s decision. Tuesday is the MEN TELL ALL. That means this boring ass show will have at least one more episode with CHAD!