The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club!

Note to anyone producing a HORROR show on TV: The week of Halloween, you must—by federal law—make your Halloween episode extra super-duper scary! See American Horror Story for further details. Thank you, and let’s move on and start chitty-chatting about this week’s (YAAAAAWWWN) “Halloween episode” of The Walking Dead. Spoilery spoilers and recap after the jump!

• Courtesy AMC
• “I am the Governor! (Of the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.)”

So here’s what I’m thinking…

1) This episode was titled “Walk With Me” and centered entirely around Michonne, Blondie McGunnerson, and introducing… The Guv’nah! Top o’ the morning, Guv’nah! Tuppence for the birds? (Thanks guys. I needed a break from Lori’s incessant pregnant whining.)

2) The Guv’nah is played by Morrissey! Wait… goddammit. Not that Morrissey. This Morrissey. Anyway, Michonne, Blondie, and jawless Tweedledum and Tweedlezombie are hiking around when… BOOM! The National Guard crashes a helicopter. (That’s not gonna boost recruitment, guys.) When they investigate, the Guv’nah and his men drive up and murderize the survivors—except for the platoon leader. To avoid capture, Michonne expertly decapitates the annoying and chain-rattling Tweedledum and Tweedlezombie—but to no avail… because they are discovered by… OH, NO! It’s hillbilly racist Merle! I thought we left him handcuffed to the roof! Turns out he chopped his own hand off, and is now outfitted with a SAH-WEET bayonet attachment. He also seems 40 percent less racist.

3) Michonne and Blondie are taken back to the Guv’nah’s compound, called “Woodbury”—which actually looks more like an all-girls liberal arts college that specializes in philosophy and lesbianism. Michonne is rightly distrustful, but Guv’nah Morrissey convinces them to stay for a couple of days with his special emo powers.

4) Guv’nah Morrissey and his sniveling scientist pal seem to be working on a cure for zombie-ism—or maybe they just like poking sticks in decapitated neck holes. I’m sure I don’t know. Anyway, Guv promises the wounded National Guard leader that he’ll go rescue his troops—and by rescue he means murdering them execution style and stealing their guns and supplies. WAITASECOND! For somebody so “emo” he’s not very nice!

5) The Guv returns and reminds the liberal arts lesbians of the town that Woodbury is AWESOME—because he am MAN! And man protect lesbians! UGGG! Naturally this sets Blondie’s loins on fire, and in an icky attempt to climb inside his cargo pants, Blondie asks the Guv’nah’s name, to which he quotes that annoying Taylor Swift song, saying, “Never, ever, never, ever, never.”

6) Phew! It’s been a long hard day of Guv’nahing, so the Guv retreats to his man cave to relax, pop open a brew, and catch some… DECAPITATED ZOMBIE HEADS INCLUDING THE ONE OF THE NATIONAL GUARD GUY FLOATING IN A WALL OF FISH TANKS?!? Man! I knew Morrissey’s music was “dark,” but this is really… dammit. It’s not the same Morrissey, okay??

7) Okay, so that episode needed to be scarier. IT WAS THE HALLOWEEN EPISODE, GUYS! And other than the appearance of now-not-so-racist Merle, and a couple of sweet decapitations, this was about as interesting as watching heads float in a tank. Which, admittedly, would be pretty interesting for awhile. WHAT DID YOU THINK? Let me know in the comments, and I’ll chitty-chat with YOU next week!

• Courtesy AMC
• “Ah’m a lot less racist now that ah done gone and chopped off mah racist hand.”