Arrrrroooooo! Homeless people are stealing my aluminum cans!
"Arrrrroooooo! Homeless people are stealing my aluminum cans!" David McNew / Getty Images

As we know, Nextdoor is the neighborhood social media app for important alerts about lost cats, racist rants, teenagers sniffing drugs, creepy dolls being left in backyards, and people who need to borrow a lemon. However, it's also a clearing house for paranoids who freak out about homeless people "stealing" cans from their recycling, and, especially lately, coyotes.

Increasingly, coyotes have been spotted roaming the Sellwood-Westmoreland neighborhood, and since there's also been an uptick of complaints about houseless people, I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone made an insane attempt to link the two. Cue the Sellwood Nextdoor site:


Wow! Okay let's break this down:

β€’ It's never a good idea to start your argument by shitting on your audience's neighborhood. It also doesn't help to mention you no longer live in that neighborhood, and therefore have no business commenting on it.

β€’ His argument that homeless people are forcing coyotes into surrounding neighborhoods has a few problems! Such as...

A) Most homeless people who live in this area reside on the far side of Oaks Bottom, closer to downtown and social services. Since animals do not need social services, they tend to live much deeper in the forest.

B) Families of deer also live in Oaks Bottom, and homeless people don't seem to be scaring them into nearby neighborhoods. How do I know? I've never seen a single deer trying to eat my cat.

C) I've also never seen a homeless person eating my cat.

D) Oaks Bottom is located directly next to Oaks Amusement Park, which features very loud rides (like the Scream'n Eagle) and thousands of squealing children every year. I'm no animal scientist, but I imagine that a coyote would be less threatened by a homeless person sleeping in a tent, than a screaming child vomiting on his parents.

β€’ The Nextdoor author then says, "You want [the coyotes] out of your neighborhood solve the homeless problem!" This is like saying, "If you want ink pens to stop leaking in your shirt pocket, then get North Korea to dismantle their nuclear weapons program!"

β€’ "I’m just being honest. [Coyotes] feel the same way," said the coyote-whisperer. When contacted by the Mercury for a response, Phillip the Coyote said, "(Nom, nom, nom.) I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. I have a cat in my mouth. (Nom, nom, nom.)"

β€’ The Nextdoor author concludes by saying, "[Coyotes] are being pushed out of their safe haven into a whole new environment." Phillip the Coyote responds, "(Nom, nom, nom.) Thanks for your very important alert on Nextdoor. Can you publish this one for me? 'Dear Nextdoor neighbors: Can I please borrow a lemon? I'd like to squeeze it on the internal organs of your cat. Also, LOOK OUT! A homeless person is stealing your cans!' (Nom, nom, nom.)"