There is the kind of neighbor you should be, and the kind you shouldn’t be.

Now that you’ve decided to call the city on one of the oldest residents of our block, I officially hate you. The city sent this old lady, who’s been here since before I was born, a notice saying that if she doesn’t cut the overgrowth, they’ll send a crew to do it and then charge her or put a lien on the property. Listen, is her yard overgrown? Yes, but it’s been like that for years and if you took a fucking minute to talk with her, you’d understand why (elderly/fixed income). Just because you want everyone’s yard to look like yours doesn’t give you the right to fucking report her to the city. Well, maybe it does, since they are enforcing your complaint, but it’s not a very neighborly thing to do. You know what is neighborly? Me and bunch of other guys on the block setting aside the weekend to clean up the yard for her. See how that works? It’s called being a decent human being.

MEAN NEIGHBOR! (Props also go to the nice neighbor for not doing something childish, like putting a flaming bag of poop on the mean neighbor’s doorstep—though it would be very funny.) Do YOU have a rant or confession to leave on the world’s doorstep? Drop it off in the I, Anonymous Blog—or we’ll report you to the city.

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)