Do you wear a chain wallet? This person thinks that, maybe, you shouldn’t be wearing a chain wallet!

It’s Portland Oregon and the year is 2015. Most of you scuzzy fucks who STILL rock this absurd fashion abortion, are the types with zero denaro to begin with (rock-a-billys, hawthorne hippie-sters, meth-headed comb-boilers, weekend biker dudes).

No ones gonna pickpocket you! Put it in your front pocket if you are so worried. If it’s for looks and style, invent a time machine and go back to 1991.

Ooh! And while you’re back in 1991, be sure to find me and insist that the concept of I, Anonymous is a really bad idea—it’s done more harm than good, don’tcha think? In the meantime, if you have a rant or confession to share with the world, drop it off in the I, Anonymous Blog—the chain wallet of the internet. 🙁

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)