Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event (“JUNE 19, CLOTHING-OPTIONAL TRANSFORMERS POETRY NIGHT IN VANCOUVER, $50!”) in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!
Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week’s participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE’S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.
Alright, time to take the gloves off, people. We’re all sick of hearing reports from Worst. Night. Ever. “victims” about all the new friends they made and how great the cookies were. The closest anyone’s come to “suffering” in this column is from the hangover they acquired after drinking their way through it. Unlike most of my co-workers, who faint at the sight of a mere gang bang, I’m up for just about any event you guys send me to. Of the options rounded up this week, I think the best choice for your entertainment value, and my best shot at having something amusing to work with, is clear. But I’ll defer to your judgement. In fact, I’m forfeiting my right to a veto. Don’t need it.
Event #1: Didgeridoo Concert (Sat June 19, Community Music Center)
CONS: I’ve had very limited exposure to didgeridoo music, so this could be much worse than I think it’s going to be, but just judging from the snippet I’ve heard, few of my friends will be willing to accompany me. Also, the event has a stated start time of 7 pm, but no end time is given. I could potentially be trapped there for hours.
PROS: How bad can it be? I’ll just smoke a little pot before I go.
Event #2: Twilight Birthday Bash in Kalama, WA (Fri June 18)
CONS: Possibly the only sport I enjoy watching or playing less than baseball is vampire baseball. I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean in this context. That members of White Zombie will emerge from the woods to menace us? But the main event here is actually the Twilight dance happening at the community center. I strongly suspect there will be more high school students than adults in attendance, and I can’t decide which would be worse. And I’m not sure what to wear.
PROS: Though I’ve never cracked one of the books, I have seen the original Twilight movie one and a half times, so I’ll know what’s going on approximately 20% of the time. And if I get stuck in an awkward conversation I can always bring it back to the undergraduate thesis I wrote on the history of blood lore as expressed in the vampire tradition. (Yeah, really.)
Event #3: Pre-screening for the 2010 Coyote’s Clash Battle of the Bands in Hillsboro (Sun Jun 20, Coyote’s)
CONS: This isn’t even a qualifying round, it’s a pre-screening, thus lowering the standard of quality all the way to the ground. “Every Sunday from 7 pm to 11 pm anyone can feel free to come up and start up a jam session.”
PROS: You never know, I might find a diamond in the rough. Or at least someone to tell me amusing stories about what my boyfriend was like as a student at Hillsboro High.
Event #4: Learn @ Lunch: “Go for No” Helps You Get to “Yes”—and Sales (Thurs June 17, Old Spaghetti Factory)
CONS: I’m not sure what this event actually is, but I’m pretty sure it is for women who work in sales, which I don’t, which means I’ll have to do some sort of bullshit tap dance to explain my presence. Also “go for no” sounds like a terrible strategy.
PROS: I like pasta. I realize we’re talking mediocre pasta, but at least I can expense it. Also I can take care of this one during office hours.
Event #5: A New Day Rising (Sat June 19-Sun June 20, “the magickal wilderness“)
CONS: This is an over-night thing. Produced by “Telepathic Prankster Productions (with Merry Prankster Family).” I think it’s a psychedelic jam band fest. Bands include Late Night Freakout Odyssey, Super Trout, and—just added—the Telepathic Electronic Dome Peeling Squad. It is suggested that attendees bring both drums and good vibrations. “The SPIRAL shall swirl and swizzle all night long!!” My tent-pitching skills are shaky at best. I hate bugs. And psychedelics, well, let’s just say it’s been a real long time and I hear there’s some really bad shit going around.
PROS: I’ve had reasonable levels of exposure to extreme hippie situations, and so far I’ve survived.
WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?
Finally we are getting somewhere. These all sound equally annoying and hippy themed. I’m gonna have to really think about my choice. I’m torn between Digeridon’t and New Day.
Twilight’s too easy. New Day! New Day!
Twilight was my knee jerk response also, and my last few knee jerk responses turned out lame.
I think didgeridoo has a lot of potential.
Props though for forgoing the veto.
Clearly, New Day Rising.
I’ll +1 the props for dealing with this entire, formidable lineup – you are clearly more hardcore than your coworkers.
Oh, come on Marjorie! You should have vetoed #4. Apparently 8% of Blogtown readers don’t know the difference between mildly awkward and hilariously terrible!
What I’m saying here is that while forgoing the veto is hot, using the veto to 86 something that is not bad enough is double hot!
Clearly the over-nighter is the worst. But don’t be surprised if she weeds her way through it and has an ok time.
Two things:
1. Marjorie is a badass.
2. Vote for A New Day Rising. As someone who just spent a few days camping at Sasquatch, I can attest that these things NEVER end, even when the music stops. There is always some shitty tent rave going on at 4am.
Weather permitting I’m actually going to a new day rising . We can be parka partners.
I think we need to vote based on which of these will truly be miserable. For me, that means an open-mic battle of the bands in Hillsboro. A New Day Rising could go either way.
I’m still torn. Somehow I think Skins will just belittle these poor people until she decides they’ve had enough and head home to her pool boyz.
These all sound awful. But the first one is the least awful. Then you could go home and drink wine on your porch or something.
Marjorie-that Magickal Wilderness sounds so Barfola. Sorry, but I want to hear all about that one. Anything involving “FREAKY EUGENE FOLK STYLINGS” and “DJ Hippinschlog” is a clear win.
Snoochie boochies!