Worst. Night. Ever. #7

Welcome back to BLAH BLAH BLAH… This is the part where my beloved co-workers suggest I’m the ONLY person in the office who pitches shitty events (UNTRUE, EZRA “A NIGHT WITH CHRIS KATTAN” CARAEFF)—which is supposedly the entire reason behind this self-indulgent exercise in social disparagement. The jokes on them. As we’ve discovered from most Worst. Night. Ever. installments, if you take a chance on something that isn’t the latest navel-gazing hipster frown-a-thon you might actually have a good time. GASP! So, in fact, we’ve learned my Busy Week pitches have been consistently brilliant and not including them in the paper has ROBBED READERS OF COUNTLESS OPPORTUNITIES FOR FUN! In conclusion, my fellow Mercury editors can go eat an enormous bag o’ dicks. Assholes. Anyway…

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week’s participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE’S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

Clearly, in order to have a truly uncomfortable time, it’s necessary to go beyond odd Portland bike rides, swinger’s clubs, and single’s events. Apparently you need to drive alone into the rain-soaked woods and subject yourself to what I’m going to refer to as “the slacker’s Altamont.” (I say “slacker” because no one was stabbed to death by Hell’s Angels.) It would seem, unless there is a chance of bodily harm, most will be able to make the best of a strange social situation. This week my co-workers got wise and decided to put me literally in harm’s way. I guess they’re smarter than they look. As for you, Blogtownies… I think you lucked-out with Skinner last week. Prove to me it wasn’t a fluke. Following Marjorie’s example, I have forgone my veto. Choose wisely.

Event #1: Punch Party for guys 18-40 (June 25th at Undisclosed Location)
CONS: There is an enormous creep factor here considering the following little gem from the listing: “If you want in, send your pic/info and let us know.” Organizers are very clear this is not a fight club… Merely dudes punching each other, “one guy seeing how much he can take from 1 or more guys, that sort of thing.” Oh, THAT sort of thing. Right. Did I mention I’m a part time employee who doesn’t receive health insurance?
PROS: There will be punching. That sounds like fun. I have some anger issues I’d like to work out. Plus, I’m fairly sure I could collect workman’s comp if I’m actually injured doing this. A broken face is a small price to pay to get out of the office and spend a couple weeks laid up on the couch with Netflix and painkillers.

Event #2: Men of Paradise (June 25th at Rumors Bar and Grill, Woodburn)
CONS: Again, the sketch factor for this all-male review is incredibly high. There is a huge risk of getting gay-bashed by those less liberal Woodburn types.
PROS: Do my co-workers know I have no problem ogling men with hard bodies? Bonus: there will be booze. AND I can get some shopping done at the outlet mall before going to the show. In terms of being bashed, I’ll repeat: Workman’s comp.

Event #3: PJ Party & Sexy Groove Funk Jam (June 24th, Diablo’s Downtown Lounge, Eugene)
CONS: Aside from driving to Eugene on a Thursday night? Not many.
PROS: “Sexy Groove Funk Jam.” Pajamas. Booze. Pillow Fights. Twister. OH, THE HORROR! If you vote to send me to this one, you are clearly a moron.

Event #4: Radical Celebration of Self: A Playshop Of Fun & Exploration! (June 27th at Sanctuary of Portland)
CONS: I lived in Ashland, Oregon, for close to eight years. In that time I developed intense scorn for “playshops” and gurus and self-awareness seminars and all of that unmitigated bullshit. I become apoplectic the second someone mentions Rumi or Carlos Castaneda. And the thought of a class designed to help “fall in love with yourself” makes me nauseous. This will also likely require that I be dead cold sober. Fat chance.
PROS: Given the above, I might actually benefit from “seeking the medicine that will help us heal ourselves from the inside out.” But the day that happens is likely the day I find enough self-respect to quit this job.

Event #5: Violet’s Birthday Show, w/ Superbad, Knelt Rote, Ritual Necromancy… Others (June 26th, SE Franklin Gazebo)
CONS: Our divine distro Viking, Jay Williams, suggested this show. That’s not necessarily a con, because I dig the guy’s taste. HOWEVER, he is assuming it will “result in sheer brutality.” Jay recalls, the last time he went to one of these, seeing a naked guy in an Abe Lincoln hat singing campfire songs about his penis “For like three hours after the show.” He also suggested I’d be scared. I have a feeling the risk for injury here is high.
PROS: The possibility of seeing a naked guy in an Abe Lincoln hat singing campfire songs about his penis. I could cross that one off my bucket list (finally!). Plus: LOUD METAL! FUCK YEAH! And, once more with feeling: Workman’s Comp!

There you have it. Vote at will.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?