Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event (“Saturday July 10, support group for albino Twilight moms, bring your own puffy paint and sunscreen!”) in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers decide which of these events one of us should attend!
Every week, a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. YOU vote on and pick the event that our unlucky staffer must attend and then review here on the blog.
Wow, Sarah’s WNE sounded terrible. But I have a sneaking suspicion that mine is going to be 1,000 times worse. I too will forego the veto power that is rightfully mine, in order to give y’all a joyful five whole minutes of entertainment as a result of sacrificing hours of my personal time to experience painful, abject humiliation. I’m a giver. BTW, I am also rather shy (unless I’ve thrown back a few vodka sodas, and then I get a teensy bit abrasive), so a few of these god-awful events seem particularly embarrassing for me. Please be kind.
Country Line Dance & Country Partner/Pattern Dance Competition (Thursday, July 8, Sheraton Portland Airport Hotel)
CONS: I am from rural Idaho, so countrified things sound terrible and reminiscent of my youth. Also, I hate country music. Also, I can’t imagine how I’ll talk my boyfriend into being my line-dancin’ partner. Also, it’s at a hotel at the airport. Also, it’s a competition in which I have no hopes of winning.
PROS: My grandma was in an early ’90s line-dancing instructional video… so I’ve got a few moves under my big-buckled belt.
Journaling Journeyers Meetup (Friday, July 9, Main Street Stamp & Stationary)
CONS: From the press release, “Come and enjoy a creative, fun, and informative evening with us as we explore the chakras with guided imagery, music and express yourself through the art of journaling and art processes within your journal!” Ack!! That description made me Cathy “ack.” I used to work for a life coach and this power-center business gives me the heebie jeebies. Also, only one person is planning to attend.
PROS: Journaling! (I have some stuff to work through.)
Relationship, Friendship, and Connection Lab (Thurs, July 8, Undisclosed Location)
CONS: This laboratory is run by Jiro, a man with a shaky grasp on the finer points of English. Here’s what Jiro has to say: “If more than two person show up, we will choose how many and which relationship to facilitate. It can be any style like friendship, couple, coworker, teacher-student relationship, and no connection to begin with etc. including with me. I would like to take video for my learning purpose.” Ummm, there will be a video of my discomfort?! Also: “If one person show up, you and Jiro will find out more about our connection.” Please, please, please don’t send me to this.
PROS: There aren’t any.
BlazerDancer Tryouts (Saturday, July 10, PSU’s Stott Center)
CONS: I didn’t make the cut for a junior high cheerleading squad in rural Idaho… so I’m thinking that I’m probably not a prime candidate for being a professional NBA cheerleader. You think?!!!!!
PROS: I like to dance, and who knows, maybe I’ll get a better (probably higher-paying) job out of it. Plus, I’ll get a chance to practice my whore make-up application. Note to self: Schedule next session with therapist.
World Record Skinny Dip (Saturday, July 11, Squaw Mountain Ranch, Estacada)
CONS: I have not been called a “Never Nude,” but I am closely related. This little chunk of hell would require me to be naked in front of hundreds of strangers, surrounded by professional and amateur nudniks at a nudist camp in Estacada, where they are taking part in a world record attempt at largest skinny dip. The thought of that much naked skin is giving me hives.
PROS: I might get a tan.
WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?
Sadly, next week we say good-bye to our landmark blog series. But it’s out with a bang, as we punish Steve!
Voting ends tomorrow at 3 pm! I need enough time to buy that two-piece sparkle-motion outfit and begin spackling on my make-up face, after all. It will also give me time to start pounding booze.
Can I vote for them all?
I want to see video for my learning purpose!
Oooh. Super split on Blazers vs. Skinny dip. But voted for the skinny dip… though how is it that worst NIGHT ever? Maybe you can pull a marjorie and camp in Estacada!
Gah! The Blazer minx try outs are way too obvious! That relationship session sounds terrifying.
Vote your conscience.
It’s going to be a shame when Courtney becomes a Blazer Dancer and leaves us podunks in Blogtown far behind.
Another talented writer lost to the world of synchronized dance.
I know someone who works at PSU. Two someones actually. I’ll try and get one of them over there to videotape Courtney’s tryout.
Worst Night Ever is going away!? WNE should be replacing I, Anonymous!
Sorry Graham! The auditions are closed, no spectators allowed.
Why is anyone voting for the Blazer Dancer tryouts? It’ll take like 20 seconds! Even if she’s super talented, those are professional dancers that practice and compete like crazy – the judges will just say “Sorry, no. Next.” and it’ll be over.
The description of Jiro had me laughing out loud – that’s the way to go!
@Courtney: They’re PSU employees. I’m sure that gets ’em all access or something. What I’m saying is that we’re going to have youtube footage posted ASAP!
She walked into my office, legs as long as 82nd street and a body with twice the urban development budget. She leaned across my desk, and a husky whisper slipped from between two candy matte painted lips:
“Someone has made off with my prized collection of body glitters, and I need someone to get it back.”
She was shiny orange trouble, and we both knew it. But work is hard to come by in my line…
Gahhh why is this ending. GRAHAM WHY IS THIS ENDING?
Is Steve physically capable of having a WNE? I can’t think of a single thing mentioned thus far that he wouldn’t have enjoyed in a disturbing way.
People, those tryouts aren’t a WNE, they’re a mildly uncomfortable 30 seconds.
I don’t care what you pick, but make it something memorable!
Tough one, but Relationship Lab. Small group uncomfortable is waaay better.
Also, I very much enjoy Evil Courtney Ferguson, Private Eye, and I look forward to her serialized adventures.
Went with blazers, I think its the one I’d like to hear about most
Apparently I’m the only person who finds line dancing more horrifying than Blazer dancing.
For your consideration: the lab looks a bit janky, like it could get canceled at any moment. Just saying.
I don’t know about that. He seems serious.
“If one person show up, you and Jiro will find out more about our connection.”
“Find out about THIS connection” I said, as I sent the Yoga mat crashing through the Collective Wellness Center’s front window.
Because of that damned split vote between BlazerDancer and Skinny Dip, it looks like I’m off to explore my feelings. Ugh.
You are a coward controlled be you ignorance.