I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Preoccupied TV

No TV for you! I miss that idea. It's not new, but is for me to realize it. Noone watches a TV in public. Folks are looking at their phone. 12 out of 15 people on the bus once!
I don't do the phone. No interest in it. Don't need my phone to do everything. While it's great for ones that embraced it, great for technology, I'm lost with it in my life. Don't want it. I have enough trouble with a laptop. All the distractions, ads, pop ups, emails, different sites to look at all at once. It would be the same as watching 20 different TV shows on 20 different TV's or trying to flip through 20 shows at once. It is a lot of USELESS, COMPLETELY UNFULFILLING INFORMATION. Yet, somehow I still think I need it? Somehow a friend's posts seems important. Some headline appears poignant.
It is not the case! I'm done. I'm figuring out a remedy. I need to focus and concentrate on important things. I need to detox from it. I'm not even an excessive user, or moderate, for that fact. I do what I need, and get out. When I find myself checking my email every 2 hours, something is wrong. That is not normal. It's making every single one of us have ADD.
As an artist and musician, it is destroying creativity worse than alcohol.
Life is worse for it. I can't even think of the last time I listened to an album the whole way through. Instead it's shuffling through 20,000 songs.
Why am I even here now?
I better crank up my tiny screen, watch, whatever. Maybe get a text, and a call in between making dinner, and painting.
5 hours later. Oh right, that project.


If You Want to be Righteous, Actually Do Something

So I read a post on FB by a woman who we'll call Alex who lives in the Pearl. She wrote about a man she saw at a bus stop "in distress" "slumped" "didn't appear to be breathing" you "wanted to shake him but keep my distance until help arrived" because why? "he seemed homeless"—yes, you called 911 and stood there and did NOTHING all the while judging all who walked by, yet YOU STOOD THERE AND WATCHED A MAN DIE! You wrote such a righteous post about your 911 call, but you didn't do a thing. Do CPR! If you don't know how, the operator will help you! You were judging him too, like the passersby you described, you just gawked at him while the last beats of life left his body. I respond to and work these calls everyday, YOU are a coward looking for praise. You're just a writer, not a hero!


Go Home!

Can you smell it? That moist spring air? Cherry blossoms, flowers and the sweet, heavy rain. Nostalgia has never been so prominent in my existence until now. I would have never guessed being away in the deserts of Africa and the middle east would give me this flourishing feeling.

Home would find it's way to my mind occasionally, during my military service. I would try to keep it out... wishful thinking didn't help much at the time. I knew that this day would finally come and that i would enjoy every moment of it... but I didn't think about my Californian license plates.

"Go f!*$ yourself", "Go home!" There's been cans thrown at my car, birds flipped, random hate screams. For a town that is pro-immigration, the hate for "Californians" is too strong here.

This is to all you assumptive grand standers. Check yourself.


Deadlines

No one is supposed to talk ill of the dead, especially those who died of cancer. But, you were the biggest piece of shit and I'm glad you're dead. You stood by while your friend raped me while I was drunk in college, telling him to "go for it." You punched me repeatedly because I spent too much time talking to someone else. You spent your last months reconnecting with another friend who used me sexually and financially and emotionally abused me, the one you called a sociopath, you reconnected cuz "we had fun." You and your family gaslit me when I refused to visit when he was there. You were drunk all the time and would gaslight me on the reg. You threw a full tall boy at me cuz you said I'm a bitch and I said "I don't care." You introduced me to every ex-tweaker piece of white trash that abused or assaulted me during my 20s. But everyone loved you and your charisma. No one believed me. I can't say anything bad about you (even though it's true) because you died of cancer—cancer I noticed and told you about last summer. Cancer on a huge mole that you’ve had forever that your lazy ass never checked. I'm sleeping in your room now, the one with the good view, and I still can't get your drunk BO stench out of the carpet. So, fuck you. I'm glad you're dead, I'm glad you're gone forever and out of my life. You were the worst GBF in the world and I wish I had never met you or pitied your drunk ass cuz you had “no where to go.” You were the cancer in my life for 10 years. It feels so good to have finally found the cure.


Where Are We Headed?

So Portland is the number one tourist destination! Probably not.
Is Portland the number one tourist destination? I don't know.
According to the most trusted of news sources, 100s of people move here daily? Whatever the truth may be, Portland is that fucked up, used to be secret beach, a couple people knew about to now being overcrowded and overpopulated.
I hope when tourists visit and they ride the wonderful max into town, they witness all the trash and tents littered along the route near 84. That's not in the brochure. Nor is talk of the homeless camps in every neighborhood as well as the exotic downtown street life.
It's almost the new "In" thing.
The other thing is, I hate the overly ambitious. They will fuck you over and talk all kinds of shit about you.
Then another thing is, I hate the excessively unaspiring. Usually that sums up fake wannabe hooligans that are more ubiquitous than these hipsters I keep hearing about.
Then there's the jobless I hate too. Then that has to define a lot of the population in this city. Does anybody work in this town?
This is the city that works so it makes sense.


Move, Assholes!

More and more I'm seeing people who have their laptops or are glued to their phones in crowded or busy cafes and restaurants. The same is true of people who either nurse their coffee drinks or decide to have multiple hours of conversations at a busy time. These cafes are not your personal studying spots or office. Restaurants have stopped giving out wi-fi passwords. That doesn't stop you assholes! You use your phone for a personal hot-spot. I'm so sick of apologizing to ask to squeeze onto a table so I can enjoy my meal while you are sprawled out with your laptop taking up the whole damn table. Stop being an asshole so I don't have to be one to ask you if your finished.


I'm So Sorry About Your Difficult Commute

Sorry you had such a crappy commute in your car during rush hour last night. When you decided to cut me off when I was biking home from work you probably didn't think through that you would be backed up at the next stop sign and I would catch up to you. When I did, I spit on your car and cursed you out. Your passenger window happened to be open so apparently I spit on you too. OOPS! You seemed REALLY upset about that and proceeded to try and drive me off the road (failed), spit on me (missed), and throw garbage at me (missed again). When you got stuck at the next red light and I biked off, you must have been extra angry. Next time, try treating a bike like a car. Or, work on your aim so you're not so frustrated. Or, roll your window up since I will do the exact same thing if you cut me off again, you fucking douchebag.


Pizza Week?

The stupidest themed week of pdx..all themed weeks are freakin dumb in my opinion but pizza? Who the fuck cares really? Cheap slices...so what. It's fuckin pizza. Why not an ice cream week or a donut week or a overpriced Mexican food week..i love lines ) .. it's food jesus k rist..i want a pho, dirty Chinese, shitty dim sum week.. not in this $3500 suit COME ON.. we're a high end strip mall now Portland thanx a lot


ALL OF MY NEIGHBORS (SOME OF WHOM I LOVE DEARLY):

YOUR ADORABLE CUDDLY CATS ARE SHITTING IN MY GARDEN BEDS!! RUINING MY NEAT ROWS OF CARROTS, RADISHES, AND LETTUCE!! DESPOILING THE FOOD THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SOMEDAY EAT!!

YOU ARE THE SAME NEIGHBORS WHO ARE SHOCKED AT THE SIGHT OF A DOG TURD IN YOUR PARKING STRIP. BUT YOUR CATS SHIT EVERYWHERE. I KNOW YOU CAN'T/WON'T DO ANYTHING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, SO I WON'T EVEN BRING IT UP AS WE LAUGH OVER BEERS AND NEIGHBORLY COOKOUTS. BUT I WANT ALL YOU CAT LOVERS TO REMEMBER: IF YOU HAVE AN OUTDOOR CAT, IT IS REGULARLY SHITTING IN THE FOOD BASKETS OF YOUR NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS. THANKS, GUYS.


Comedy

This morning, a man felating another man downtown near the train station. A homeless man on the burnside bridge popping a squat and forcibly trying to take a deuce but not succeeding. A drunk driver in the car next to me at 7 am. A phone call at work, one the first, exclaiming that I should have been at work when they tried calling earlier in the morning. We open at 9, they do too but are on the East Coast, multiple time zones are hard to comprehend. The Ups guy who parked in the handicap spot to make 4 floors of deliveries. My coworker who openly talks about smoking recreational weed. My boss who is too afraid to say anything about it because he's afraid of losing his job like the last boss. The guy whom I know nothing about who eats two slices cheese pizza and has a diet rockstar literally every-day-Monday-through-Friday. Why I insisted on using dashes to emphasize that when likely you won't hear it like I heard it in my head. Why I bother posting this. Why on my way home this afternoon, I'm just going to be thinking about if this weekend I'll be lucky with the wife or if I'm just kidding myself, only to resolve in stopping and buying ice cream as a weekend treat. Why tonight, I'll probably come back and see if anyone said anything in response to this. Why I actually care? And finally, how this weekend is going to pass so quickly, and by 10 am Monday and a few angry emails, I'll wonder why I spent my Friday afternoon on I,Anonymous, craigslist, and musicians friend drooling over a new guitar that I'm horrible at playing instead of doing the project that's due by 10 am Monday.


Passive Aggressive

I get it; you don't like me. I don't like you either. Fine. Get over it. You are a grown man who feels to need to shout passive aggressive comments at me like somehow you are affecting me in a negative way. Just. Shut. The. Fuck. Up!! I don' want to hear it. If you have something to say, say it to my face.

And while we are on the subject of how much I don't like you, let me tell you why. You are a creep. You make my skin crawl. I feel uncomfortable around you. You also have no social skills, poor grammar, lack of intuition, multiple failed businesses, you disrespect women, and you walk around like the dick between your legs is the biggest thing and all women want you. That is why I don't like you.

So keep saying snarky shit. Keep it up. It won't be too long before I sue you for sexual harassment and make sure that this job, that you have only had for a year (but you think you know everything!), is the last job you hold in the Portland metro area.


Thank You For Turning Me Down

Your maiden name rhymed with the actor who played Fonzi. You have a late sister named Debra. I’m very sorry. She and I were in the same class at Llewellyn and CHS, and I only recently saw her obit. But this is about you.

You were the beautiful one. Cheerleader. Rose Festival candidate. A year behind me and Debbie. Liked by everyone and coveted by all the guys, and therefore, of course, well out reach for the nerds and geeks like me. And therein is the tale-and the thanks.

A couple years after high school I ran into you at the PSU candy counter. Hi, how are you , Hi, fine. You didn’t really remember me. But you were as sweet and stunning as ever. That evening, I wondered, what would she say if I called? Would I have the courage to ask out the prettiest girl in school?
Your family name was in what used to be called the “White Pages.” So I called and asked for a date. Of course you said no. It wasn’t like in the movies, where the beauty and the goofball get together and live happily ever after. But from that phone call and forever after, I was never scared to call a woman. If I was ever nervous, I would tell myself ‘You called Donna. This call is easier.”
Sure, I got brushed off lots of times, but I also got some dates, including the one with the woman I’ve been married to for 30 years. So I hope you are well, and thank you for being the girl to build me up by turning me down.


Just Screw It

Lately I've been looking at people and wondering what sex would be like with them. Most of it, I don't want to picture.
It's true, I don't give people enough credit, or the benefit of the doubt. They've earned it. I have no faith or expectations.
What the hell is up with impatient person driving that cannot wait for people to cross the parking lot?
You do stupid things. Everyone does. Everyone thinks they are smarter than someone else. Add that up. Put you and everyone else in cars. Put you, everyone else in cars on the street and in traffic. That's what you get.
Can't wait for coffee shops to ask people to bring own cups. And while we're at it, restaurants to require people to bring their own utensils and plates. it's gonna happen.
My name is Tim. "What was your name again?" Tim, I'm confirming my reservation for these days. "What day was that?" We're finally talking the same lingo, so I say what day was that? When? Hi, this is Tim.
It's no wonder you don't like texts. You can't read or comprehend shit because of what you reply.
Among homeless and street junkies, there's freeloaders. A lot! of freeloaders! No, you're not a freespirit, and I don't like you.
2 kids dealing weed, looking around, waiting for me to walk by. Oh, the hilarity to be young and think you're doing something kick ass cool, and we don't know what you're doing.


I'm Watching You

I been noticing security at alot of grocery stores these days. Awesome! But what's with the constant staring and profiling. I know. I know. That's what a security does. But they should teach you guys how to smile or say hello, or say have a nice day. All it does is make me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm doing something wrong and about to steal something just by the way you looking at me. It does not make me feel safe or more secure. If stealing is such an issue, just stand at the entrance and corroborate each receipt. I mean I walked right out of that store with loaf of bread and bottle of wine in hand. You don't know if I paid for that shit! I probably don't "look" like I'm a thief. Then why the hell you watching every where I go? How do you know who's gonna steal by the way someone looks anyway?! I could come in here, raggedy, boozed up, unshaven, and will you think I'm more a thief than suit and tie guy?


Missed Connection

Thought I would give the gym another try, but now I am reminded of why I didn't want to work out there anymore. You. You sat on the one machine I wanted to use, but not using it. More just sitting at it while on your phone. I worked out patiently behind you waiting to get the next seat. 15 min passed of you staring at your phone. Ahh! Some people want to work out, not post their missed connection at the 24 hour fitness on Craigslist! Your a turd and I hope u missed your connection.


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