You are Crazy Crow People!

To the lady who posted this in our neighborhood online forum:

"Two of my young crows from this year's flock were found dead side-by-side in my garden yesterday. No signs of mauling or having been shot. A third is looking lethargic, letting me get too close, not really hungry. I'm sad and worried."

... and to those who chimed in offering her support and concern: YOU ARE CRAZY CROW PEOPLE! Who would refer to these winged nightmares as 'my crows?' The same sort who would say 'my rats?' 'My ticks?' Who refers to 'this year's flock' as though they are a brood of prized Angora bunnies in the county fucking 4-H fair?

Crows are a menace! More than a few of us on a block just around the corner from you have been discussing this for weeks: how they keep us awake with their horrific cawing starting at 5 am, disrupt those of us trying to work from home all goddamn day long, swoop into our yards and frighten away hummingbirds and songbirds that are ACTUALLY WORTH HAVING AROUND, attack and kill other creatures. Crows have been shown to recognize the faces of humans who have wronged them, target them as enemies, and ATTACK. We pray that this awful fate does not befall you, as it did Tippi Hedren.

We really do support crows (#CawLivesMatter), but, like pigs, they belong in the country. If you are feeding them, as the tone of your missive suggests, please be considerate of your neighbors and STOP, for God's sake. (You better not be feeding the goddamn squirrels, either.)

Old 80s Rocker Houseless Guy on Glisan

You were strutting down the sidewalk about two days ago singing Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" out loud with a dont give a fuck attitude. Thanks for making my day. At first I thought you were yelling shit at me or some invisible person. Then the lyrics dawned on me. If you take requests I wouldn't mind hearing Whitesnake's "Here I go again." Keep on rockin.

Bernie and What He Knew

I guess many supporters of Bernie Sanders tried to show and tell why he wanted DWS removed. I am sorry he did not get very far, but his supporters are going to have plenty to say.

Bernie,you are the best, I hope Hilliary makes a place for you, with all this being proven.

Donald Trump, you need a reality check. We will vote for Hilliary, and you and Mr. Creepy Putin will lose.

Look at your keys!

What is it with everyone in this city and their fucking key rings?! Look at my keys on a ring on a clip on my hip. On my hip? Ah... Hipsters! Fucking A!!! Got it. Thanks shaggy.

Smart as Shit

Damn. Your smart as shit! I'm in line at the grocery store and I have 2 fucking things to buy. 2! I have my cash out and everything and I get behind you, the shortest line with the meanest bitch with a whole bunch of shit. Mrs. Smart-as-shit , you just look at me, my 2 things and picked up a magazine to browse instead of letting me go in front of you. That's some smart ass shit, because it allowed me to add a bunch of impulse items to the conveyer belt for you to buy.
Enjoy your chocolate chapsticks!

Let me finish Dumbshit

It sure takes a special dumbshit to sit at the front of the bus on the sideway seats and then constantly look at the back of the bus at the other dumbshits. What do you see dumbshit? Has the view changed in the past 10 seconds, dumbshit? It takes another old dumbshit to refuse to sit at the open seats at the front of the bus, so they can go sit at the back and barely make it up 2 stairs. It takes younger dumbshits to take those seats up front.

Hey dumdum dumbshit, your mystery flavor fucking lollipop sucks.

Galore of Dumbshits

I'd say you got a whooping cough because you're touching the bottom of your shoe then with the same hand wiping the saliva off your mouth dumbshit. Yes I'm carrying a pizza box. When you ask me if it's pizza, and I say no it's hotdogs, I'm not telling the truth, dumbshit. When you coughed behind my head, I said thanks for coughing behind my head. Without an apology, you showed me the pretty little princess you are with your sunglasses on at night. Sorry I kicked your foot as I left the bus while every fucking second you took your phone out your pretty little pink purse to send a text then put it back in your pretty pink purse, dumbshit. Have you ever been going home at midnight after work in downtown, and seen all the dumbshits wandering, or dumbshits passed out on the sidewalk, or the dumbshit city worker who must pressure wash as you walk by and also bully people away from standing at the bustop? Hey dumbshit, why is it cool for a dog to piss on a tree but it's wrong for a human to piss on a tree? Hey dumbshit, why must you make your turn the second it's clear for you to go? Which means you dumbshits can't even wait a few seconds for me to cross in peace without you crawling in my butthole. There's always dumbshit too dumb to know they won't make the light but just dumb enough to think they can then they get stuck in the crosswalk.

Where Do We Go From Here

My body aches so much from the nonsense of the world. Where do we go from here? The clamoring charade of shit is deafening. Yells of accusations being thrown all over torment my conscious. We need hope and change, but at what cost to our security, to our freedoms, and will we foster more enemies in the process. Polarization is guaranteed. Perhaps actually Balkanization, like all co-opted protests of lately. One message gets overlapped by another until we forget what we even originally showed up for. I am very hopeful it will get better with time.

Biketown Jerk

To the D-Bag I caught putting pro-Biketown signs in a neighborhood he doesn't even live in-
If you think it's OK for PBOT to ignore public voice on a project that significantly alters neighborhood landscapes and puts a corporate brand all over the city, than you're crazier than your obnoxiously orange-dyed hair makes you look (oddly the same color as the Biketown bikes).
Did you know the station you were endorsing is the ONLY Biketown station placed in front of a private home out of the 100 scattered throughout the city?!?!
Meanwhile, like myself and other locals, you have no use for this service as you peddle away on your foldable personal bike?!?!
Let's face it, this benefits Nike's brand and Portland's Forbes rating for "Livable Cities" more than you and me. You mean to tell me Portland's biking community couldn't organize a FREE bike share without a corporate logo plastered all over it.
All of Portland should be disappointed in how the city did business on this one. Privatizing away public voice...shame on you.

The "Homeless"

When homeowners complain about the homeless, three things always come up: syringes, sex and drug dealing. Then the children and the out-of-town seniors. But my story is as good as anybody's anecdote. I don't have a car and I walk a lot. Condoms yes — but I can't recall seeing syringes. People have sex at parties and in bathrooms at clubs, but not in city parks. Drug deals on the street are fast and discrete, so you've got to be watching like a cop to catch one. Yet people who rarely get out of their cars see this stuff all the time when there's homeless around! What's going on in those tents? Surely, it must be something bad! We've got to do something about those tents before they ruin Portland! At least for some variety in all the outrage, it would be interesting if these busy eyewitnesses saw something new about the homeless. It wouldn't have to be anything good; just something new.

Living The Dream

Why do people say this shit when you ask how they're doing? What the fuck does it even mean? Did you really grow up dreaming of working in some corporate cube-farm or selling cell phones at a mall kiosk?

I get it when some people say it sarcastically every once in a while, but you always know when people mean it when that crap spills out of their dreamhole. I know it might annoy or worry some people if you actually said "ahhh, just living a nightmare," but at least that's an honest response. Just go with "another day another dollar" or "same ol' same old." At least then you don't sound like such a tool.

Now If someone walked in on me snorting some coke off of Kate Upton's naked body next to a huge stack of $100 bills while on a 6 month trip to the French Riviera, that's the only time I'd respond by saying... Just living the dream.

Thanks for the New Bumper

To the Lake Oswego parents of a certain 19yo son: thanks! The bumper was already pretty toast (my fault there). Your boy wasn't paying attention when he rear ended me at roughly 15 mph in stop and go I-5 traffic. He was too busy making duck face selfies while twirling his young blond man-bun. You should probably tell boy to not drive while wearing flip flops.
He cried when I told him I saw him in my rear view playing with his phone and that he could have killed someone had we been going any faster. You raised a pussy samurai btw and your insurance covered the brand new replacement, 6000 dollars and provided me a rental car for two weeks.

Give Credit Where it's Due

NOBODY WANTS to say it, but I will. Soccer fans have saved Portland. I'll give them full credit.

I love the game and the fans.

It's awesome. Fans need to even recruit their international friends and family to move to Portland. —Anonymous

Entitled Neighbors

You all want the "dilapidated" building I live in torn down because you want a donut shop or cafe in it's place. Some even mini orgasmed at the idea of a new season. You say it's rat and pigeon infested, moldy without ever seeing the inside. Speaking of pigeons, tell the dude down the street to stop feeding them every morning. Yes, the exterior is what you'd expect for nearly a century old. A little drab and in need of serious upkeep. You pretend to be concerned about its inhabitants. But seriously..we all know you just want your hood to become a mini Pearl. So what will it be replaced with? How about a boxy 4 story apartment building with no parking garage? Willing to share some of the street in front of your house? How about a that premium grocery store fantasy that will make your budget see red if you just have lunch there? Then watch your property taxes skyrocket; rents in nearby apts will also go thru the roof. Sow that seed of gentrification. You complain about drug addicts loitering around. It's across the street from 2 convenience stores and a laundry mat; a block from other building where addicts take refuge in the bushes. 82nd is a holler away as is Addict Park (what it should be called). Stretch the truth so you can stack on the reasons you want to demolished. Be careful what you wish for. The results may be even worse. But hey, then you'll have something new to whine about.

Don't Hug Portland

I own a bar in Eastmorland and most of the customers are our friends. You came in and were served by a friendly bartender. Who gave you a hug.......and then you stuck around for at least an hour.......just to say "YOU SHOULDN'T HUG PEOPLE''. Move on . Lean back....if she or he comes closer than you want ...push em away. hugs are healthy.