I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Is There Any Limits You Won't Cross?

I am not against protesters. The situation in front of MayorTed Wheeler's home with so called protesters is ridiculous. These people are threatening, and are a little too close for comfort for such a nice man and his family. My short knowledge of Portland makes me wonder why these people are so close to his home. There comes a time when some of us ask ourselves "what limits do we allow protesters to go?" This is a young family with far more visions than these creepy so called protesters have ever thought about. Scaring people by trolling their home with no one saying or doing anything to make this family safe. If they come to your door, don't open it and call the police.

Now You're Just Somebody that I Used to Know

Who are you anymore? When we first met, you were a cool person to be around. Now I can't even get an appointment. You're like a 44 year old guy going through a midlife crisis about to leave his wife and kids, buy a sports car and run down a bunch of tourists in Las Vegas with it. You traded in your Levi's for skinny jeans and t-shirts for too tight, button up plaid shirts. I don't even recognize you when I see you in Fred Meyer. You're just another Pearl District yuppie, I mean brewery.

Adult Training

Or meetings, or workshops, whatever you wanna call it. Teaching an adult is pointless. Way more senseless than training a stray cat or a kid. The only point is that it makes adults feel like they're doing something important, maybe making money from, getting paid to be clueless.
I worked this sustainability event and there wasn't any sign of sustainability judging from the results of the event. It could be that I dunno what sustainability means. It could be sustainability means something different to them and they're talking about an elite special operation kinda sustainability.
These hypocrites don't recycle paper, plastic bottles, or glass, although the trash bins are labelled clearly for that stray cat to comprehend. The amount of toiletry products I had to restock was way more than excessive. For example, 10 toilet paper rolls for about 50 people? I hope their anuses, vaginas, penises, noses, and hands were so clean you could eat off it and lick it dry.
One thing's for sure, they are teaching how to save water. Judging by the toilets that were never flushed, I can tell this training is gonna massively benefit not only them, but the world and future at large.
So give yourselves a hand you fine Americans. Way to go you awesome humans. Once again showing how naive you are. It will only be after the earth crumbles that it might make sense. This activism after the fact is something we shouldn't get in to though.


Okay, it's not the staring and looking. Though people do it way too much for my own sanity. It's these unfriendly eyeballs of judgment, fear or paranoia, or something. Like WTF? Okay I don't care if you look at me. Okay I don't care if you do it 20 times in a few minutes and I catch you every time. Though that's still fucked up. Though I still think it's creepy. How uncomfortable it makes me. What's seriously fucking wrong with you? I just don't understand. These unfriendly, hostile eyeballs. It's an eyeball looking into another eyeball. That's just as personal as dick into vag, in my mind. Then when if I look at you and nod, smile, say hello or something, it's more staring with those unfriendly eyes. I kinda get it too because most people live in a social mainstream where acceptance is all they live for. So they gotta see if someone is looking at them for their own validation for what they are doing or how they look. But, boy could I care less!

This dude I just met at a bar after the new year struck said I had kind eyes. That is probably the nicest thing anyone ever said to me. I then told him if I was into dudes, I'd be into him. He said the same back to me. Why can't people communicate anything if they gotta stare? Like, what's your purpose? What is the willy nilly point? Instead it's eyeballs.

Dear So-Called Portland Equity Champions

You have the least equitable city government in the United States of Trump America. No other city this size has this stupid form of government. Seriously, look it up. If you want a form of government to keep communities of interest from being represented, congratulations, you have it. If you want a form of government that keeps people of color from serving, congratulations, you have it. So take a few tokes of the weed you’re smoking and ease the soreness from patting yourselves on the back for all the good you’ve done in the world. “Oh, but we have tried to change it before so many times and it didn’t work.” Blah, blah, blah. You tried to end homelessness in 10 years too, and how did that work? “But that is a complicated issue.” Blah, blah, blah. It’s all so complicated, we know. So lets review your so-called equitable government. Four commissioners elected city-wide and a population of more than 630,000. And most live in Southwest. No other city does this. The so-called communities you care about don’t have people to represent them, but you keep congratulating yourselves for how much you care about equity.

Stop it!

You: "scuse me sir"!?
Me: "yes"?
You: "can I show you something"? (Motions for me to come over)
Me: (not coming over) "let me guess, you found a broken egg"?I reply.
You: "Yes! I don't know what you guys do with this but I found one"!(Hands me carton).
Me: (sets carton down nearby) "why thank you"! (Fake thanks).
You: (smug look and inspects further cartons, passing on many choosing a lucky dozen)
Me:'(!waits for you to leave, flips cracked egg over to make it look fine, puts back on stack).

Don't call me over to tell and then show me you discovered a broken fuckin egg in the carton. Just set it aside, it happens allllllll the time!
It's people like you that get me in trouble b/c it slows me the fuck down while I am filling the yogurts. Fuckin stop it!

I Don't Owe No Stinking Arts Tax

Just received the "Arts Income Tax Return" for 2016. We moved from Portland two years ago. I notified you of that when you dunned us for the tax last year. I haven't even stepped foot in the state. Yet a phone call to your office just now indicates that no one there has updated our records. Meanwhile, you're probably harassing the people who currently live at our old address. The Arts Tax bureaucracy should spend a fraction of the time on record-keeping that is spent on going after people who don't owe it.

Even when I lived in Portland, I didn't owe you any money. To this day, I despise the Arts Tax of Portland and the people who administer it for putting me through the annual humiliation of proving I had no income. Let me correct that: Putting me through the annual humiliation of proving I was an ARTIST who had no income. This year I had exactly $1,000 in income via art sales. I'm just thankful you're not entitled to any of it.

You're Just a Cashier

I'm gonna COMMUNICATE this. As a cashier, I'm nobody to most and 50% of people prove it to me. It doesn't make me feel worthless, however. I'm a means to an end. I'm a stranger. Why be polite? I just think what's wrong in someone's life that they turned out incompetent and rude. I'll throw out a few guesses. Entitlement, internet, phones, and paranoia. Do you know how many of these interactions I go through that are utterly wordless? No hello. No small talk. No have a good day. No thank you. No goodbye. I can spot it coming. Once I say my greeting and nothing. I know what's coming and I lose interest in anything further. Sometimes I just don't say anything either from the start. The one that feels condescending is the motions to do something. It's not an "I need your help" kind of motion either. It's a motion that is completely patronizing and arrogant. Again, no eye contact. No words. Just here's this, so do that for me and do it now! I'm going to start saying do it yourself. But then I'd be wrong because customer is always right, right? I'm working on trying to debunk that idea.

Asking Vs. Doing

There is a difference. Especially for the person on the receiving end. For example, someone wants to fart, and gives a little warning. It's nice to prepare. Versus the person that just lets it rip. Or, a roommate asking to eat the last slice of pizza, or the person that just devours it, especially if that pizza was not theirs and the rightful owner was looking forward to eating it for dinner. Someone knocking on a door versus plain barging in. Takes a certain person to just do.

A lot of people just do whatever the fuck they feel like, whoever the fuck it's going to affect, and never thinking what it may mean, who it could upset or hurt. Doesn't matter if they're told, given advice, a head's up, or they know it's respectful and courteous to simply ask.

It's never the case of doing something to make someone happy. Although, for positive effects the reason behind the intention switches. For example, someone asking to bring a sixer over. When that person is asking, there is hesitation, an actuality of really not wanting to bring anything over versus the person that just brings a sixer over, which could upset the recipient anyway, like if they weren't drinking.

What's the point? I don't know. I know those are dumb examples. I know all I'm saying is I'd be happier someone asked rather than does. That's just me. Then again a special doing could be a nice surprise. I'm contradicting myself, and confused. I don't care anymore. What's the point? That's exactly it. What's the damn point? People gonna do whatever the fuck they want anyway. Whatever the fuck they want.

I Thought This Would Be So Much Easier

I really miss you.

Despite the way you ended things, and cut me so cleanly from your life, it feels as though my main muscle, my heart muscle, is cramping a whole lot of times throughout the day. One of the hardest tasks you are asking of me, is to let go of my love for you. One of the hardest tasks that I am begging of myself, is to stop feeling so much heartache for the amazing times we shared. Neither of those two tasks are going so well.

I am trying though, I swear I am. My friends have pep talked me until there are no more useful words left. My people have done all that they can. I've managed to put on my bravest face when I have to face others, and no stranger could ever recognize how close I am to tears. I've been through these emotions before, but I've never loved someone the way I loved you.

It's so instinctual to reach for my phone, but then I remember that we are no longer speaking. I've reached for so many chocolate bars that I knew you would have liked, but quickly pulled my arm back, and rushed out of the candy aisle. Last Friday, I woke up, and thought "it's time to send my Happy Friday text!", but then felt my heart hit my feet. Often times, I am so so angry by the way you ended things because it tainted all of the good that we shared. The way you said goodbye made me question how you could have ever cared for me. I know have to stop loving you, J, but I’m not doing a very good job. How do I say goodbye, when I’m still in love with the hellos?

Fun Facts About Crosswalks!

Hey self entitled/important douchebag motorists of Portland, every intersection is a crosswalk! Even the ones without markings, or signs, or lights. Every single one. To the fucking asshole who almost hit me while blaring your horn at me as I was 3/4 of the way through intersection: you almost died that day. You didn't expect me to catch up did you? Next time I'm dragging your ass out and beating you down. You motherfucker.

I Know You Got This

Saturday, I left our local shithole and it's sticky load bearing carpet with an open beverage bound for home (so sly). Upon departure the bar back caught me, thought I was busted, but he just wanted me to make sure your old white wobbly hair got home ok. I lied and said I had something more important at home. At 2 AM. It was SNL with Scarlett Johansson. Show sucked.
I love St Johns.

I Want My Fucking Croissant Back

Dear White Men,
Last night I freaked out because some old white man in Iowa thinks I don't contribute anything to the United States because i'm bi-racial. This morning on my bus ride to work I had to walk past an old white man who wouldn't sit down (there were plenty of seats) only because from what I could tell he wanted all the people walking off the bus at the very popular stop to brush past his dick. This morning I got my ham and cheese croissant swiped after ordering it from the local coffee shop by a white man who was there then he wasn't. I WANT ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT I EXIST AND AM VALUED. I DON'T WANT TO GRAZE YOUR DICK AT THE BEGINNING OF MY DAY AND I WANT MY FUCKING CROISSANT BACK.

Fill in the Blanks New Bigoted IA Template

I work in the (blank) industry and I have to deal with (people with kids, poor people, old people, blue collar people- anyone not in your group) . I am not an unoriginal bigot, but I have noticed that (out group) has a tendency to (unflattering verb) at every (snarky noun).

You cannot use race or religion in an IA, but other protected classes (people with kids, old people) can be attacked. Snobbery is a-okay- punch down, by all means.

Happy Birthday, My Best Uncle

You check in when I make comments on here. Sometimes when I rant, you seem to know it is my sarcastic humor. I think no one is funnier than you, and love to make you laugh.

You are suppose to be getting such a bad snow I see on all the radar. Out here, it can get freezing when it rains side ways. I guess your Birthday will be in the barn, at least you fixed it this summer. I hope you have a fruitcake off the pantry to the left.