Yussing and Celling

The thing about yelling and cussing is people tend to think it shows how angry they are. They think it shows how much business they mean. They tend to think the more swearing is involved, and the louder the screams are, their point will come across much more clearly. They think it shows how powerful and scary they are.
I've been the one doing the yelling and cursing in the past no doubt, but immediately after, I felt like a fool. You know, "two wrongs don't make a right," "take the higher road," "don't stoop to their level," etc. It's so hard sometimes too to not let those emotions get the best of us. I couldn't understand how I got to that place of shouting. I couldn't understand, sometimes, all over where to eat. It was about being right or something stupid like that. It was about trying to prove a point to someone who doesn't listen, is clueless and dumb, or is completely irrational and illogical.
Now, just watching people when they go into fits of anger and swearing, it's just scary. Funny too. It's a good reminder how I don't want to be and feel. The more swear words and name calling someone uses, I just think it's nasty language that only people with nothing more hurtful to say can only come up with to say.
Then when seeing angry emails, texts, or typed messages, it is even more scary but hilarious. I can feel their anger. They use CAPLOCKS to emphasis words. It's actually ridiculous in typed form. JESUS CHRIST!


Thank You Portland (Follow Up to 2003)

I submitted an I anonymous post back around 2003. I was into my 2nd year of living in Portland at the time. I am originally from Madison. Wi. and spent a few years in the S/W before moving into an apartment by PGE Park. The post back then was a simple declaration of my enjoyment for the city and that with so many slackers, artists, unemployables, ignorant asshats, druggies and a large rank of unmotivated folks- I was always going to have strong employment opportunities and enjoyable female companionship. Now I live in my own home in Laurelhurst, have an awesome job which pays six figures, bulked up my retirement account and am very happy with the ladies.
Well my big thank you is due to the fact that moving here was one of the best decisions I ever made. The Portland of 2016 still works for me as it did back in 2003. I pay my taxes, volunteer and work in an industry that helps peoples' health. Thank you PDX!

Giant House Spider

Just crawled across my toes and disappeared into the furnace room. Fucking yuuuge!

Please Don't Text at Stoplights

As I pulled to a stop in the left turn lane, I noticed that the driver and passenger in the car beside me were both texting while stopped at the light. I rolled down my window and asked, sweetly but sadly, "Isn't driving enough?"

She was a good sport about it. I said it was dangerous to text while driving. "Even at a stoplight?" I said yes. The light changed and I made my turn.

What I wish I'd been quick enough to say is that all of those who text or have phone conversations while driving put an unfair burden upon the rest of us.

Sensuous one

You appeared to be very confident with your gorgeous long legs and your stunning white smile. I enjoyed just observing you as your pooch took you for a walk in the park. I'm sure you're aware of your natural beauty, I was in complete awe.
There are sure a lot of healthy, beautiful people in Portland.

Country as Fuck?

There's this thing happening in Portland, where more and more dudes and dudettes who look super metal, punk, motorcycle outlaw, whatever, wearing cowboy boots and hats driving square body pick ups and super merica'. They've got the vests complete with patches and American flags, and it confuses me, because I thought all these metal/punk people were anti America. There's a few bars that seem to be especially catering to them. They aren't all bad, in fact I've met a few and honestly a bunch of them I've met have been from Texas, and Tennessee, and Kentucky. Not trying to instigate the transplant convo, just interesting that we're all paying attention to California yuppies and meanwhile all these metal southerners are coming in confusing me with their bi-polar culture. Second to that, Portland really isn't very country, is it just me or should they be ditching the cowboy hats already?

Wake the Fuck Up!

I love you so much sweety BUT I am sick and tired of coming home after 14 hours of serving over priced vegan food to people who have laundry lists of "food allergies" and "preferences" utterly exhausted - only to have you pass out by my side....YOU are SLEEPING AGAIN...can you just rub my feet maybe a little? - pretend to care about what I think and how I feel - like you used to before we started dating... YOU DON'T EVEN remember your dreams.... like its a waste of time to always be sleeping and its actually demeaning for you to rather be drooling in a pool of nothing - unconsciousness than want to be with me. I understand you are so busy pursuing your degree in Philosophy and reading and writing all day takes its toll...but please please one night just surprise me by staying up for the moving or giving me a little "late night delight ;)" I am dying...I could be out on the town with what's his name or painting a picture nude while blasting Trent Reznor...instead I am just petting your hair and cooing to you like a newborn...

The Text Question

You really don't text....
I'm so tired of hearing people and how they say, "I really don't text."
Give it a rest.
And give me a break.
Get with it, already.
It's not hard. It's not difficult.
It's just the same as typing an email, but way quicker and immediate.
I'll give you that texting is sometimes way too convenient, and has made people more stupid than ever in creating sentences and actual coherent language with all the slang used.
But still.
Just text already.
But they're probably saying about me, "get a smart phone already."
The funny thing is, this person I'm thinking about in particular has a smart phone and "really doesn't text." Why'd you buy the fucking thing in the first place if you really don't want to get with the times.
I'm a dinosaur no doubt when it comes to purity and simplicity of life and technology, but come on, just text already.
Like what? Why are you so above texting? What makes texting that of scoundrels and minorities?

Sky High Prices

Your prices went up $2 for all your meal selections. That's from $5.50 to $7.25. Really? Why? You have every right to do it, I suppose. I have every right to not buy your food. I'm too busy to cook or prepare my own meals. I also have a limited chef cookbook so eating different foods to satisfy taste buds is essential. I won't buy something from Safeway because I know it'll be cheaper at Fred Meyer. Sometimes I have to just give in to buying that ripoff soda from the convenient store because it's convenient. It's the same with buying food. Sometimes I just have to give in to eat something tasty that I can't make or too busy or tired to make. What's my point? Why am I complaining? I guess as long as l have that extra dough, yeah, it's nice to treat myself a little. By the looks of alot of people, so careless with their money and dumb shoppers. My question is, is it worth it? Like the movies, is it worth it the price of admission and food/drinks just for that experience? With me, its not about eating out for social reasons because I don't. I am a get it to go person. I recently spent $6 on chicken kaarage. I got my order, looked at those 4 tiny pieces of chicken, that was not worth it. It was good. I spent $11 on a katsu curry. If I'm spending that much on one meal, I'd hope for leftovers. I spent $12 on a thai beef salad. Great but maybe not worth it. I can make a chicken laab but it's just not as good as a thai can. I spent $3.45 for a bagel with creamcheese. That was stupid!

Don't Be the Trump of Portland

This one goes out to everyone still clinging to a hardcore "locals only" exclusivity dogma. I moved to Portland just over six months ago, and I didn't come because my job moved me or because I was following a partner. I love everything about this city, and I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the beer-soaked, forest-flushed explosion of culture that makes this town so great. I thought I was doing everything right — spending tons of money at local bars and restaurants, biking all over the place (clad with Nikes and a black Columbia rain slicker), and even not being from California. However, despite these efforts and more, some person still called me "a transplant piece of shit" at a bar last night. Granted, said individual seemed to be pretty intoxicated, but I felt that was a bit of an overreaction to me saying I wasn't from here. To all the Portland locals who are unhappy about the housing market, the traffic, and all the times you've heard someone say, "this is just like Portlandia!", please just remember that part of what makes this place so cool is that people brought cool trends and culture here from other places, and I'm sure many of your parents or grandparents came here from somewhere else too (hey neat, just like America!). Please understand that I can't control the fact that I wasn't born here, but I can try my best to promote a positive influence. We've already got enough assholes trying to put walls up all over the place.

Pre-Roll Me Another One

I guess I haven't read the fine print. There must be a reason that pre-rolled joints for sale are ridiculously large, and "smokable" only by a largish group, or by someone with yogic breath control. I wouldn't roll joints like these unless I was hosting a frat party or a rasta convention.

Meanwhile, consider the missed opportunity: we could have joints rolled by experts, who have studied how to roll the perfect joint: texture, density, geometry, etc.

I'm no expert, but even I can roll a better joint. A lot better.

Goodbye Poor Old Bush

We had to cut you down, dear sweet bushy plant. It wasn't anything you did that forced us to do it. You were a wonderful floral additional to the corner of the apartment building with your lush greenery. But that attribute was to your demise. Too many people were using the area around you as an outdoor bathroom. Number ones, #2s, and even a couple #3s. Maybe all that extra fertilizer is what let you thrive so well. The area is now an open theater for all the world to see should someone decide to drop another deuce there. Rest In Pieces poor old bush.

Did you get the memo?

That between Nov 21 through Jan 5, if an employee asks for any vacation time, it will not be approved due to it being the busiest time of year for "us." So don't ask for time off because we won't allow it. What a giant crock of shit? What kind of manager are you? To be so obsolete with no negotiations. The key word "us." So this applies to you too, huh, and every other tyrant working in that office we know as democracy. A good manager looks at people's schedules, works with them to even see if they wanted time off. Then start to plan who can work when and cover what shifts because someone will be gone with the vacation time they deserve for working there. God forbid they want to spend time with family, friends and loved ones in what is supposed to be a time of reflection, celebration, and joining together in spirit. I personally find the holidays bullshit anyway. But, are you going to pay people holiday pay? A good manager looks out for their employees and works together with them. But what would you know about this? I barely met you once. All you were to me was a jerk giving out orders showcasing your power. I'll bet you don't remember me. I'll bet you've never met half your employees, and have never shaken their hands or came close to saying good job team. Good job. I'm glad I'm only on-call. The choice is in my hands. I have zero obligation to you but show up to work when I say I will, work with supervisors and coworkers. I don't have to be roped into your dictatorship.

Baby Girl

Your baby thinks she's super cute. You think she is the cutest thing on earth. I bet she thinks she's super cute because you tell her she's such a cutie. She doesn't speak. But she points and smiles at everyone and everything. The way she looks at everyone with those adorable eyes. Then when she puts on pink sunglasses, she is quite a star. How can we resist that? Can't we see that she just wants people to give her attention? Can't we see she just wants to play, maybe a little peekaboo?

There's always one sucker goo goo and gaa gaa over her. Waving, smiling, and laughing with her. Most times they don't talk to her or you. Every now and then, a person asks "how old is she?"

But most of us don't care. Most of us aren't paying attention to her. Sometimes we can't help it because she'll get in our face, demand attention, and wonder why we aren't playing with her. Most of us are trying to avoid her gaze of such beautiful wonderment.

My thoughts are going, I want to punch her in the nose. Stop looking at me, weirdo.
Good night baby. Sweet dreams and sleep tight, cutie.

Driving Like an Asshole

This weekend I noticed I'd just passed a car in the next lane. The car had stopped for a pedestrian who was crossing the street, and I just motored on through. That incident made me realize I've been driving like an asshole recently. I have no idea what's up. I'm not an aggressive driver, and I'm not anti-pedestrian or anti-bike. I'm not on my phone (at least when I pull the douche moves). I've just gotten wrapped up in my own stuff, or maybe this is some peri-menopause thing, or whatever. But there's no excuse. If you have been trying to live your life and enjoy your morning or evening in SE and have had a VW golf rudely barge on through, that was probably me. I'm sorry, and like Comcast, I "hope to restore service shortly." I'll see if I can do a better job than Comcast, though.