I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Rules of the Road

OR driving rules:
1. never under ANY circumstance allow someone to merge onto the freeway.
2. Cruise in the left lane, block traffic until there's a literal mile long caravan of vehicles behind you.
2a. If someone dares to pass you on the right, it is your responsibility as an Oregon driver to speed up and block them in.
3. When merging lanes together for construction, instead of letting the cars merge 1-for-1, it's you that must be first. This will hold up traffic even longer, and that is why we do what we do.
Most importantly:
Who cares if you're in the wrong? This is Oregon, God dammit! If you're not directly in front of us, you don't exist!


The Real "Bonus"

I'm sick of working my ass off and doing everything the right way. There's literally zero reward for any of it. We spend our entire existence making money for OTHER PEOPLE.
We will never own anything and never save anything. We will never be able to retire.
Those before us raised us to believe that you are rewarded for your toiling—false. There is no meritocracy.
Take what you can while you can, because "earning" shit is the wrong way to success.
I just worked 80 hours plus required overtime for the pay period, hit my two "bonus" requirements, and still made under $1000 for two weeks pay.
Fuck this. There is no point in existing if the only existence is to be gum on some rich fucker's shoe.
For $12/hr, you can suck my fat cock.


I Know What You Did to My Child

I know what you did. You think you won? You haven't. You think anyone believes your bullshit story about how my toddler's entire face getting bashed in, black and blue? They don't. You think I don't know the game you are playing? I've known all along. You are a controlling, abusive, lying piece of shit. You are the poster child for Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy and my child is suffering because of you. Embrace yourself. When you lose this battle, you will never see us again. you have no rights, being a foster parent and all. I hope you can forgive yourself for what you did. I know I won't.
Auf Wiedersehen.


Pick Up Your Ciggy Butt

3rd and Madison. Sunday morning. Your skinny leg jeans and trashy girlfriend are no excuse to be a litter bug. Next time pick up your butt please. I live here.


Dear Hetero Bros

Before you decide to give a girl unsolicited hot comments or ask if she has a boyfriend or are otherwise unwanted sexually advancing, think of me, a big bear, walking up to you and saying "Damn dude...you're hot. You work out? Got a girlfriend? Wanna 'watch sports' sometime?" And think about how uncomfortable that equates to What you are doing to the lady. (Still think being str8 is cool?)


odd how many for sale signs become highrise apts

I don't like how inner SE is being turned into a playground of Garanimal Highrise
apts and matching Garanimal residents. Heartless and soul-less. We moved here
from a much larger city hungry for new frontiers 17 plus years ago. Portland you've
become the same played out gentrified that other big cities having been dealing with
for decades.
An artist from the Saturday Market suggested Hawthorne and so we moved there.
It was a desirable unpredictable mix of the very old, mid-century and the barely new.
Hawthorne had yet to become the highway it now is. Now the great memories,
quirkiness of the old neighborhood is nearly gone...replaced with upward sprawl
which cancels out the sun and Garanimal lower boutique-y shops with offerings like
over-priced designer ice cream. There are now more tourists than potholes on "D"
street. 100 year old plus homes are gone or disappearing, like the old
trees that went with them. I pray for a housing market crash due to over-building.
When will this bad extreme make-over ever end. The wrong people are determining the future of Portland. Its like the self-righteous, hypocritical greed-head marketing executives co-opted the scene with a very guilty city hall. Fuck you. Give me back my city.


A Penny Saved is a Penny Used

The red light conga line is out of control nowadays. It used to be running a red light was a real nail biter, now it's these fucks who are the 5th and 6th assholes "scootchin" on through. If I have the green light in my cross walk and you are pulling this shit (creating gridlock simultaneously)because you are soooo important, enjoy my handful of pennies I will chuck at your fuckin car. I will do the same while driving and trying to turn left, waiting for the last of a succession of red light runners. The caboose will also get my pennies from heaven. Assholes! Red lights are red lights!!!!!


Dead Animal Thoughts

Saw a dead cat today. Looked like someone placed it there. Wondered if to avoid cremation fees or burying it. That would be evil. From its position, looked like it died peacefully. Looked intact, like not hit by a car. Just don't see a dead cat in downtown, in the fetal position with face towards wall next to wall. I cried. My heart got broken. Thought about the day I put down my 2 boys. Thought about 2 dead mice I found in traps at work. I cried. My heart broke. One of em, I released from the trap and buried in the ground with the support of a coworker. It was tough. But that ain't no way to die. The other mouse, another day, I didn't have the will. I asked the killer if there was another way? I have to mop. I'll see ants or spiders. I avoid them. Sometimes I save them. Sometimes I kill them on accident. I cry then. They are smart. They sense danger. I find dead flies or moths, fully in tact, take them to a good resting place instead of being stomped on or dumped into the trash. I found a fully intact dragonfly. That seems a mystery. I was talking in a microphone and saw this kid about to stomp on an ant. I said "don't do that." He didn't. I hope he got the idea of killing for killings sake isn't right. I wondered about the thousands of crickets trying to escape the lawnmower after I saw the cat. I saved a couple tree frogs once mowing the lawn. Frogs freak me out too.
It's a wicked world. What am I doing here?


Hole in Four

I could see being in the profession of golf being quite enjoyable. Not for the sport part of it, or extreme focus and concentration. What I would like about golf is the walking from hole to hole in a nice setting. That must be nice. Beauty in every possible way. Green grass. Usually palm trees. Peace and quiet. I played baseball and I could hit. I tried golfing and going to a driving range, but I sucked. But my main point is the caddies. I would love to be one. What a nice job that must be. But who knows? The golfer could be a dick. At least on the surface and its most ideal circumstance, the golfer and caddy are like partners in crime. It appears to be a supportive relationship. Golfer asking for advice from caddy, maybe? Maybe caddy knows more but isn't a good golfer? I'm sure then the relationship goes deeper into personal life. You get my back, I'll get yours. I know you, you'd do the same for me. To have a loyal and dependable relationship seems like camaraderie and teamwork at its finest.

Shit, well, its 1 pm, and I've had a few beers and I'm not going to work. Sorry about the movie I was in. You may be able to see what's missing in my life. Then in the movie there's sex, drugs, and music. Well that's not a movie then. Ha. But the movie would have murder. Maybe we smuggle drugs in the clubs? Or the clubs are guns or swords? Ah shit, I'm drunk now.


You are Wrong

You took me off adderall you fucking asshole. You prescribe other people adderall but im not allowed to be happy fuck you. If others get adderall and I dont then no one should be on adderall ever again god damnit. Me without adderall are two things that should always go together no matter what.


Your Fucking Fireworks Are Stupid

To Whomever is still setting off booming fireworks in Portsmouth on July Fucking 18th:

Can you just FUCKING STOP??? Jesus Fucking Christ. Just fucking stop. First of all, fireworks are fucking stupid. They are not entertaining. It’s underwhelming garbage and we all know it. Even fucking children know it. You pay some child labor-employing Chinese factory $100 to go stand outside for an hour and watch a repetitive glorification of 18th century battle scenes. WHY? Why. Is that window-rattling boom I’ve been subjected to almost nightly for the past TWO WEEKS the only thing that gets your little dick hard? Do you get your grubby little paws all covered in diluted gun powder and rub one out? You’re pathetic.

Knock it the fuck off with the fucking fireworks.

Sincerely,
I, Anonymous

PS I hope a crazed dog mauls the shit out of you.


Passive-Aggressive Portland

Oh Portland, you've outdone yourself this time.

My mailbox sits on busy street near Glendoveer and at least 2-3 days a week my mail is missing.

Yesterday, I learned that some of the stolen mail is ending up in my neighbor's yard.

How did they inform me?

By sending a letter in the mail that reads:

"TRUST ME! If I find ANY MORE of your trash dumped in my front yard I'm going to pay YOUR HOME a visit and dump all my crap in YOUR FRONT yard. BELIEVE IT!!"

This was accompanied by two pieces of mail. One was an unopened letter from AAA with my renewal it.

Anyway, thanks for letting me know you have no social or observation skills!


So, Those Red Lights....

Hey drivers, quick question....

Do red lights no longer mean anything? I'm asking for a friend.

Crossing a street downtown now requires waiting for cars to stop going through the red light. Crossing Burnside now requires waiting for people to stop going through the red light. Crossing intersections on the eastside now require waiting for cars to stop going through the red light.

Did I miss that change in the law? I noticed it with snowmageddon this winter, the stop signs and red lights were no longer observed, but somehow that new policy has continued into July. I saw 7 cars run 4 different red lights today, and so I'm just trying to figure out of this is real or just shitty people doing shitty things. K, thx, bye.


If You Get Hit by Uber or Lyft in Oregon !

So had it with our city allowing thousand of Uber and Lyft driver run wild Without telling their personal insurance they are driving for rideshare! It's called insurance fraud ! And if you or I or your family or friends get hit by one of them be prepared for a battle to recoup you money for damages or injuries. Our fine city of portland thinks it's okay that the average person has to fucking battle a 60 billion corporation that will tie you up for years trying to get funds. It's fucking bullshit ! You or I could not get away with this shit ! The city knows it and they could give a flying fuck about it. So all you
Lame fuckers that want to support these fucking tncs ? Take your asses back to California. Your doing nothing but making a slave driven greedy fucking corporation richer !
Bitch about the traffic jams? Yeah every city Uber and Lyft have invaded has caused major traffic problems! Go figure ! How can our city put everyone at risk and think this is okay ! It's fucking not !!! So when you hit by one thank our fucking city council who couldn't give a flying fuck about you and the problems this creates for you !
Fuck this bullshit protect our people instead of your dam pockets !


The Very Last Time

I bought my coworker chips the other day. No strings attached. Just out of complete generosity not expecting anything in return to which I know there will be no favor returned. Just to bring team unity to our workplace. Their response was, "kettle chips, can't go wrong with kettle chips." I guess my mom taught me manners. She taught me how to say thank you for receiving a gift. That is the last time I'm doing that.

I bought another coworker a Dr. Pepper. They requested it. I offered since I was going to the store. Stupid me for not getting the correct Dr. Pepper. I bought the store brand. I got it. There is a difference. Honest oversight in seeing how uptight they'd be in the pop they drink. What nerve. Come on. Get over yourself. They're response was, "sweetie, this isn't Dr. Pepper."

That is the last time I'm doing something nice for someone. I'm not offering anymore. I'm not spending my money to be nice anymore knowing the result will be ungrateful reactions.


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