The Tweeter-in-Chief

Oh, how I love to see the Republicans trying to take the higher road. RIGHT. I keep reading how they want us all to "just accept the results" and "give him a chance, wontcha?" Oh. My. God. It's like talking to a 3-year old... same as reading Trump's tweets. (On a side note: Can you believe that we have a president who tweets? What a joke!)

Where to begin, where to begin? The Republicans have complained about Obama putting a "wedge" between the races. Yes, it was he who made it all about race, not Rush for playing "Barack the Magic Negro," not numerous Republican politicians implying he was an "other" and especially not Trump for heading up the birther movement for 5+ years.

The economy: Sure, it's picked up quite a bit since Ol' Dubya wrecked it and the nation was losing over 800,000 jobs A MONTH (how soon Republicans forget!)... and who recalls a little thing called 9/11? Anyway, the economy has picked up quite a bit, but it sure would have been much more if the Republicans hadn't been complete obstructionists for the past 8 years. Almost 700 pieces of legislation that would have put Americans back to work blocked. How patriotic!

Trump's a self-admitted pig. He's a draft-dodging, tax evading, bigoted, sexual assaulting daddy's boy... so I think we're OK with saying he's not our president. Born with a sliver spoon up his fat ass, he is NOT the epitome of the American Dream... Obama is and always will be.

Deal with it.


I Don't Care if You're a Pedestrian

We all know the story, it's cold outside, it's slippery and hard to walk. To hell with businesses and property owners who don't clear sidewalks. Pedestrians always have the right of way. I dig it. But seriously, fuck you if you think it's as easy as 1-2-3 to stop a truck on a small downgrade in ice and ruts when the light turns yellow. Oh, I was still in the intersection and it turned red? Sorry I inconvenienced your morning walk, but I'd rather blow through a hundred red lights than put on my brakes and skids into the intersection so I can avoid getting flipped off by you. So petty. So petty in fact, it has me pissed off for reasons that are beyond me, I wanted to stop my truck and throw a chunk of ice in your stupid face. Wear a scarf next time and get real, it's harder for vehicles to stop than it is for you to wait walk like a toddler on ice.


Unrepentant Proud Trumper Deplorable

Get over it. Trump won. Now accept him as YOUR PRESIDENT! I accepted Obama each time he won. Stop acting like spoiled rotten children not getting something you wanted for once. Stop provoking Trump and his supporters. You and the media stir up asinine stories for the sole purpose to discredit and delegitimatize. You sound like leftist versions of Alex Jones' conspiracies. Has anything materialized? NO Because they carry absolutely no credibility. Hacking has been going on for decades. WHen you're out there protesting whatever in a couple days, side by side the black bloc arachists, know that you will accomplish absolutely nothing but liberal street cred that you can gloat about how you stood up against fascism and kkk in usa nonsense. Normal hardworking Americans will be at their jobs, having taxes leeched from them to support your entitled, handout dependent backsides. With that said, stay out of the roads! This XY can't be late.


Snow Job

Some thank yous to people in the snow storm.
Thank you to all the cashiers and baristas and bartenders and plow truck drivers. Thank you to the delivery drivers and Comcast crews and PGE crews. Thank you to the USPS who delivered our junk mail and to the garbage men who took it away.
Thank you to those of you who know you’re too stupid to function in the snow and therefore stayed in. Thank you to the nurses and ER staff who patched up everyone else.
Thank you to crews from Seattle for not being smug at your small brained and incapable little cousins here in Mayberry who can never think big for anything.
Thank you to TriMet workers for giving up your breaks and your backs to try to keep your fragile system running. Thank you to the Portland Police for giving up target practice to help stranded drivers and for giving rides.
Thanks for nothing to the leadership of the City of Portland and TriMet. Your paralyzed incompetence, from broken electric trains to untended streets, affected ever person in the area who couldn’t just sit at home and look out the window.
But most of all thank you to the girls: You all look adorable in your winter caps. I would sleep with any of you. I would undress you completely-including that cute cap!


Cold as Ice

It seems as though this weather is freezing people's hearts and brains. If your dumb ass can't drive well enough in the snow to keep from crashing into the truck we just put 6k into then at least leave us a note. Take responsibility, maybe think about how your actions could affect a growing family on a budget.
And to the people across the street who sell crack and let your guests drive on all sorts of shit, fuck you. We know it was one of your ass hole friends. You're lucky I don't get you busted, and shame on your for endangering the children in our neighborhood including your own.


Reasons I Text

Because on and on you went. You texted and asked if you could call because you don't like texting. I'm not against talking. I'm for whatever works.
But when I answered your call at 5 am, I didn't know what I was in for. Again, you called because you wanted to find out more about MY problem at work. That slowly turned into YOUR problems at work. Then what YOU like about YOUR supervisor. Then about YOUR computer and download speed. Then about YOUR friend and how he stood you up. Then about a bicycle YOU found. On and on. For at least 15 min you went without me mumbling so much of an "uh uh". If you could've seen me putting the phone down and whispering "oh my god." I was even looking at myself in the window reflection and saying who's that guy going nuts and hysterical, almost on the verge of crying insanity. If you could've seen all the eye rolls and shaking of my head in disbelief of what I was being put through.
I'm not one to interrupt or try to talk over someone. I'm not one to say hey I got to go as you're telling me something because I know how that feels.
I know it's my fault but you must've finally got the message from hearing the agony in my silence.
That's why sometimes I prefer to text. Some people just can't have a normal 2 way conversation where listening is as important as talking.


Trump Trolls

You sit there behind the computer monitor, mouth breathing. Sweaty palm grasping the mouse. Sticky cum and crumb encrusted keyboard. Salivating on your shirt. You spout off about fake news. Touching yourself while mumbling 4 letter obscenities. Then you finish typing your rude comment on a Martin Luther King Day related news article. Proud of your antics, you give yourself an attaboy in the form of a crotch sniff with a passing of gas. And then you move to the next facebook link.


I'm Okay, You're Okay, but Kristie Sucks

Hello Kitten. How you hated being called that! It's been a long time, dear. I hear you are happy, and that's the important thing.
I finally have my medications right. I like how I think and feel, at long last. It took a long time, and you waited a long time before you walked away. I know your best friend told you I was not worth the wait. It's okay, you did what you thought you had to. But I would have waited for you, my love.


Pedestrian Rights

To the asshole in the gray SUV by the Pearl District Safeway. I'm sorry you had to wait for 30 seconds as my partner and I walked across the icy street. You could have waited patiently in your warm car, grateful that you didn't have to walk. You could have contemplated all the ways to be a great person and volunteer for your community on this wonderful MLK day. Instead, you yelled at the lady ahead of us to hurry up; and when I reminded you that pedestrians have right-of-way in crosswalks, you yelled at us and called me a retard.
I considered yelling back but realized your piece of garbage ass wasn't worth my fingers freezing any longer than necessary. So here's a giant FUCK YOU. I'm not sorry you had to wait. I hope karma teaches you a bit of patience soon.


Dog Piss

This snow has been around for a week, it would not be to much to ask you dog owners of portland to start picking up your dogs piss caked chunks of ice and snow! I mean, the fuck? Everywhere I go, little swatches of piss cakes! At the least, carve them out and toss them onto the road!


Just in Case...

... Anybody on this planet thinks Donald Trump is sane? He thinks his son-in-law will negotiate a peace settlement in the Middle East.

"Do you know what? Jared is such a good guy; he will conclude an Israel agreement that no one else can do. You know, he is a natural talent, he is amazing, he is a natural talent," Trump said.

Welcome to Idiocracy folks. 400 years earlier than predicted.


Dear Tubby

I happened to pick up a copy of The Mercury tonight and came across your I, Anonymous. I have to say, I'm touched that so much effort into contacting me would have been expended.

I've taken to Heroin recently and I will tell you that all is forgiven. My girlfriend and I are on another plateau as of late, and any grievances made by friends are dealt with in a timely and emotional manner. In the end, we can't ask for much more, can we?

I would like to say that those days spent with you before my girlfriend arrived were bliss. We had so much fun driving around the desert and accidentally poking our hands with cacti. I can still envision that nondescript hill we randomly selected to race up, only to find a grand view once on top. That day was amazing.

Yes, I'll admit that I was a tad bit hurt by what you said, but I can't blame you; I've been guilty of the same crime.

It's windy out and I have to stoke the fire before bed. Do not fret, old pal, we are still connected. We're still friends. Amigos. Compadres. Hey, I can say these things because my mom is half-Mexican.

With Love,
Henry


Dear Henry:

Keeping with the theme of I Anonymous' directed at one specific person, I thought I'd write an email to an old friend:

Dearest Henry,

I'm sorry that I said your girlfriend was annoying, for I'm sure that it may have hurt your feelers. We've been friends for 9 years and you've dated her for 5 of those years, so I could call dibs, but I'll be the bigger person and not do that.

Your girlfriend asks the most mundane and incessant questions. When you answer said questions, it's not enough... she'll continue to ask different questions about the same thing, even after you've answered the shit.

I had an upset stomach that Tuesday, the day before we picked her up. It was caused by too much coffee and I know this; it's happened before. We picked her up, you told her about my upset stomach and the cause, but that wasn't enough for her. For the next THREE DAYS she offered up alternative reasons for the cause of my upset stomach, even though I knew what it was. I was polite and all, but it was all that I could do to not rip out chunks of my hair right there in the backseat of your car. Mind you, this is just one example of MANY.

Fine. We're not friends anymore. It's all my fault. I get it.
Your girlfriend is still fucking annoying.

As Ever,
Tubby

P.S.
Call me if you wanna talk about it. Keep this private and don't tell her what I said, but I know you already have, so what's the fucking point?


Some Babies Don't Grow Up

I've been sick for the past week.
I haven't slept for more than 3 hours the past 2 days.
I worked 16 hours in the past 24 hours.
To get to work, I walked 20 minutes in 19 degree weather, at 6 am, with wind chill, in the snow, to get to a bus, to wait another 20 plus minutes.

So I sick of your whining!
So you couldn't get in the elevator in the parking garage, and had to walk around the block to the front door.
So there wasn't a sign saying anything about the elevator or using the front door.
So why is the door locked?
Maybe because it's a god damn secured building?
Maybe because you're early?
So you had to wait a couple minutes because I just happened to walk away to take a piss.
"Can't you just leave the door open?"
"It's cold out!"
Maybe because now you people are late?

Sorry I have no empathy for you. It's now 11 am, the sun is out. I think back to walking in the dark at 6 am, trying to get to work to serve these people, and think, my fucking god!.
A city full of whiners.
If they can't get exactly what it is they want, when they want it, how they want it, in which what they want is either not the rule, unrealistic, or impossible, get ready to bitched at.
So here bitch!
Use your resources, like your mind, body, and phone, maybe?
Fucking relax. Stop panicking over nothing. Stop letting what you already have stuck up your ass go further up your ass.
Buck up. This is life.
Good luck getting all the stupid shit you want on your cake.


My Weirdness Checklist

I just moved to PDX and realized that I don't have the proper weird attire or engage in the proper weird activities. After I get my first paycheck, my first order of business is to buy some new clothes and sign up for classes. My checklist:

Yoga pants.
Neon running shoes.
White baseball cap.
Big Paris Hilton type sunglasses.
Join rock-climbing class.
Join yoga class.
Get a small dog that barks incessantly.
Buy a bike, with an assortment of spandex-gear.
Frequent boutique ice cream shops, burger joints, Kombucha bars and wood fire pizza places.
Take selfies of myself doing yoga poses against some nature background.
Have someone take a photo of me climbing up rock wall.
Take photos of my food.
Have every photo of me not rock-climbing or doing yoga include my small barking dog.


I figure it'll take me about 6 months to get up to speed with the weirdness that is Portland!