I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

I'm here for the swifts, not your screaming child.

Watching the world's largest migration of Vaux Swifts dance and spiral down the Chapman School chimney is a truely magnificent experience. Hearing them chirp and sing would be part of this experience if your dumbass children would shut the hell up. Or more like, if you, their parents thought to tell them to do so.

One month out of the year, we're graced with this beautiful occurrence, and I have to listen to the sounds of children running, jumping, and screaming like it's a goddamn Chuck E. Cheese. Don't get me wrong, the kids playing and sliding down the hill on cardboard sleds is adorable, and it looks fun as hell. But when the swifts start to circle, it would be totally adult of you to tell your child, "it's time to sit down, the swifts are coming, and everyone would like to hear them."

If you don't want to do this, maybe you should stay home. Maybe you should appreciate that we didn't just go to watch, we came to listen, and your child is being disruptive to that experience. If it's easier for you to let your kid scream than teach them when it is or is not appropriate to do so, then let that brat scream at home, not at a place where I've come to appreciate nature.

So, please, consider being a good viewing neighbor, and silence your children instead of drowning them out, because that may come easily to you as someone who has to live with them, but I choose to hear the birds.

From the thousands of people there without children, thank you.

Goodbye and good luck sm


I am leaving. My getting-out date is December 18. If there's a repeat of what happened Friday, it will be sooner and without notice.

To My Employer

You run a crazy operation and I am getting out. The whole organization proves that a chichi rich people's school can have flocks of adoring parents but still be a sweatshop for staff. I've worked in special ed in local public schools for a decade, in some of the toughest classes (middle school behavioral disorders!), and haven't seen some of the things I've seen this year. And it's only September. And...I'm sorely tempted to drop a note to the Health Department about a certain ongoing situation.

Hot Lesbian

I am kinda tired of hetero woman thinking I am all about them simply because I am a lesbian.
And yes. I am a witch who is also a Goddess worshipper. I talk a love language. I was created in lovemaking bliss. Love child , yes. But fucking eh. I love a smart woman. A brilliant woman. A woman who has held down the trenches. Knows what it means to go down the street and walk hand in hand with me. I am not your experiment or here for your entertainment. You have no idea the quality of women I have had the privilege to hold in my arms. Wake up to. Make love to. Talk deep soul language with. So please if your fucking curious. Step up with some respect...

Thanks for the Tip

I watched a group of high school kids steal a tip jar from a local pizza place tonight. The worst part, to me, wasn't the fact that they stole probably what amounted to 10-15 dollars, or that they shattered the tip jar in the street, or that they inconvenienced the staff and police offers who had to deal with the situation after the kids cowardly scurried down the street. The worst part is that they got away with it. They will continue their shitty behavior in their shitty existence and think nothing of it. Good luck in your future endeavors, assholes.

Anything Hawthorne

I hate everything Hawthorne.
Especially the street. Example, across Ben and Jerrys, how there's a congregation of street kids or travelers that sit there all day, who all look alike, that leave their trash and pollute and populate Hawthorne during the whole summer. What's up with that street corner?
Number 14 bus I hate riding but I have to at times. It stops at every stop to pick someone up or drop someone off. Then newcomers get on full of exuberance for their new city, yapping about all the cool and weird Portland hotspots.
The worst thing about Hawthorne is the bridge. In one week, the bridge was up 3 out of 5 rides causing a delay of at least 20 minutes. Then, leaving downtown at the right time will take forever to get over the bridge. Then coming in to town at the right time, with the bridge up will take forever. Add to that one lane closed due to construction on 2nd and Main, you're screwed for 30 min. I wonder what the new courthouse will do when it's in operation over on Madison and 1st?
Does this city ever think about what it's doing? Who and what it's impacting? Have you ever noticed every lot with a new building coming up? Have you seen all the bulldozers and cranes all over the city? What is happening to this city?
Oh okay, change is inevitable, if I don't like it, I should get the hell out? Okay, great idea! I wonder how many more great ideas you special creators and unique innovators there are who work a few hours each week in this city?

Take Care Cause I Don't

I can't hardly function in society anymore. Only way I can is with a good buzz. Everyone wants to point the blame elsewhere. Being accountable for our own actions doesn't count anymore. It's everywhere I go. I just don't care for my actions anymore. I simply don't give a fuck. Society has turned me into an ass. I don't care because I'm not to blame. Until I see other members of society trying or caring, I won't. Until I see nice gestures to me, I won't make an effort. Is it because I'm not a mom with a carriage or cute baby? Because I'm not an overweight person who can't take care of myself? Because im not an old fart hobbling around? Because I dont have a cane, walker, wheelchair, or scooter? Because im not a female? If you're in a crowded aisle, why must you block the whole aisle with your cart in the middle, you checking out something on one end and your kids/friends clueless on the other side? Do you have zero awareness a lot people want to get by? It is busy so you might want to think about how this day isn't about you. The same goes for that crowded self checkout at that awful fucking downtown Safeway. People want to get by, but you, your cart, and teenagers are blocking any access for someone to walk by. When I come walking through, I dont care if I hit you. I dont care if I didnt say excuse me. I didnt on purpose. You say, at least say excuse me. I turn and say, you know you could move out the way. It's a war and I don't care.

Horrible Piece of Human Garbage

You were the girl at the Goldfrapp concert who pushed her way up behind me, stood there for a few songs loudly clapping out of time, and then tried to shove past me. I tried to block you and apparently that made you angry cause you pushed even harder. I turned towards you, cause you were yelling at me, and you said "I'm only trying to get to my friends over there" pointing in the other direction. So I decided to let you through. WELL, then you pushed the girl next to me and clearly were not going to your friends cause you stood right next to me. Incensed by you're lies and shoving of my neighbor, I attempted to remove you, a rash mistake on my part but a fairly common reaction to such poor behavior. You got up in my face and screamed that I not touch you. I knew in that moment that I could have easily punched you in the face, but I backed off knowing that I didn't want a fight. You then proceeded to stand in front of my neighbor obscuring her view for the rest of the show still continuing to clap out of time. I also demanded, without response, where your friends were, but you still had no shame and ignored me and stood there stubbornly. Bottom line, you are a worthless piece of human garbage. You are very lucky that I did not hurt you, or follow you home when I saw you outside. You should be more careful, behaving like that will eventually get you involved with someone who does not have their anger in check.

Side Order of Dick

There I was at the bar enjoying drinks and dinner with my partner. When my main plate arrived, you leaned across your date to comment loudly on how much food it was; share your 'strategy' for enjoying it, including in what order I should eat the various ingredients; and tell me that it was at least three meals' worth of food.
Howzabout a nice big helping of shutthefuckup, pal?
Plus I think the only reason your date was with you was I heard her asking you for money. So I guess you get to enjoy a dessert course of loser sugar daddy. Bon appétit, asshole.

I Made a Snowflake Cry...

To the kid I locked in the 7-11 as your friends and you shoplifted from the late night clerk:
I will never forget the tears you cried as you begged me to let you out, "please bro!!, I was thirsty". What were you stealing? a Nesquik milk? Your middle class upbringing showing thru...
Those tears, they should be your mothers. Her shame for raising a son who's low moral values are just beginning to show. You are the boys who grow up to get our daughters drunk and take advantage of them, the boys who hurt others for fun. Willing to put a man's job at risk for a $1.39. I hope I scared you, you were so desperate, you bum-rushed the clerk and ran out the back office door. Your friend's whoops of excitement as you ran for your little lives, but it's those tears I will remember, they were so delicious.

Truth and Consequences

I've supported you because we are friends, but it's time for you to move on from this silly dream of being a "musician." It'd be one thing if you thought of music as a hobby or something to do with friends, but you're too old to be clinging to the dream of "making it." You're not terrible but your not that good either. And you're producer husband isn't gonna be the one to tell you so I will. Good luck with the new town, I hope you find a new passion more worthy of your time.

Prius Hater

Hey angry redneck dude that snapped when I merged from the ‘left turn only’ lane, The sermon you delivered after chasing me down and blocking me in at the bank was a waste of your time. Was it not apparent from my response to your barely decipherable country fuck tongue lashing that I don’t give a rats ass what you think of my driving? When you jumped out of the monster truck, clad in tight ass wranglers and a wifebeater, then started ‘a-hollerin’, all I could think of is that you need to do something with that mullet and lose the “Bodacious” belt buckle.

Hoss, know this, traffic infractions don’t enrage emotionally balanced people. What the fuck happens when your kid knocks over your spitoon?

Fuck dude, next time you decide to give someone a piece of your mind, remember, you don’t have much to spare….then get, get back in you rig, speed back to your trailer, crack a brewski, then fuck your fat wife when she gets home from Wal-Mart. And remember to brush your tooth.

Prius Driving Soccer Mom

Maybe too much caffeine, left turner?

The "you were there first" courtesy applies to four way stops. You seem to think it applies to all driving situations. While I admire your bravery in repeatedly beating an old man to the punch, I do not appreciate your risking of everyone's lives so that you can make that F'ed up left onto Hawthorne. It's going to turn red before you get there anyways. Don't be surprised when your made up laws land you in the court of T-Bones and E.R. visit.

We Get It, You are a Sock Puppet

Listen you supposed Justice warrior, I worked for the business owner you're accusing of sexual abuse, and while many of us who know him believe that he has probably harmed people, you are hurting your own cause. By trying to spread that info through back channels and your phantom accounts, only hurts your own credibility. Come out into the light, the community is prepared to support you.

Thanks for Stealing my Medicine!

Wow, plant thief, thanks so much for taking the time to use my ladder to crawl to the top of my roof in the middle of the night to throw my weed plants onto the ground and steal them. I love not being able to have my medicine that I spent all summer tending to, caring for, and investing the money in. I generally don't wish bad things on people but I hope that your car gets broken into and your house gets fucking robbed and someone takes your medicine and your wither and die and cold, lonely death. Not that you know me but I would have given you some weed, because that's what a good stoner does.

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