The Banana Peel Crusade

Friday morning I headed to Spin Laundry Lounge to get coffee, work, and do laundry. I live in a conversion van, I’m conscious of the environmental impacts of the consumer lifestyle. I do my best to minimize waste, any organic scraps I prefer to return to the earth. Call me crazy.

I threw my banana peels onto a pile of plantlife recently plowed over by the construction site working there. Walking towards Spin, a pompous type construction worker blurted “don’t throw your trash on our site“. “Wasn’t trash, it was banana peels.” I replied. “Doesn’t matter, that’s littering!” he fired back. I said “actually, it does matter, bananas come from the earth.” He’d already turned away.

I’m a weird looking person living in a van. Maybe he’s having a rough day, anything’s possible. Went inside, enjoyed the great atmosphere, coffee, and machines at Spin. Nearly forgot about it until I returned to my van where someone had thrown the banana peels onto my windshield. I windshield wipered the banana peels onto the construction site driveway and drove away.

These are seeds of things growing in our city. If energy passing through the hands of workers erecting structures around us comes from priggishness and ignorance, so will the fruits they bear. If you abhor the breakdowns of our connected, accepting, progressive lifestyles, compost your banana peels on the corner of Albina and Cook. Prove to these corporate funded eco-terrorists they’ve been “caught slipping” and we see them.

We're Owed an Apology

I've been waiting for years for John McCain to finally apologize to the American people for introducing us to the train-wreck that was Sarah Palin. Not once, has he ever indicated regret for bringing her onto the national stage to inflict her brand of down-home, folksy Republican tripe. Sure, she's sorta faded away, but for years she simply tormented to country with her job-quitting, gotcha-questioning, illogical and bumper sticker spouting ways.


Now, we get the Trump family. We get his American Psycho sons, he's plagiarizing wife and we get him: The Donald. Yes, we can expect and look forward to years and years of the Trump family on the national scene... Trump T.V. and whatnot. We get to listen to the Breitbart conspiracy theories, the Roger Ailes news format, the billionaire point of view and the unfounded, fact-less Donald Trump opinion machine. GREAT.

Somebody really owes us an apology.

If You Can't Take it, Don't Bring it

So you're jokes are condescending, disrespectful, sexist and racist. That's what all jokes are. HaHa. Your jokes are an insult to what being funny is supposed to be. You're not even a comedian. Sorry I'm getting sidetracked. This isn't about someone trying to be a comedian. You're just a bully picking on people. You think you know it all and have life figured out at 24. Yet you still live a home with mommy making your lunches. You told me of your parents divorce and your dad being a dick and a ass. That's kinda funny being a dick and an ass, what about being a pussy? So you make a joke because someone has parked in YOUR stall, and that our coworker did it when the lot is just full. But it's basically putting him down, barely funny and comes off quite awkward. I still hear it, "why did you park in my stall," in that stupid manly tone. Me and another coworker looked at each other. Then you started to go into another gutbuster, why is he wearing khakis. I walked away. So you know, you can't mess with me. I'm punchy. I'll hit harder. You ask me what time I'm working to and I say 7. Then I add in the morning. Look out, here's the hissy fit. "Come on dude, don't play," were your words. Talk about not being able to take what you try to dish out. Remember we already got into it big time about you trying to tell me how to do my job, and how you always take lunch last. You are your dad dude. I feel sorry for girls and the one that'll marry you because she thinks you're a sexy boy..

Please Don't Smoke Weed in the Laundry Room

Seriously. Smoke in your own apartment like a normal person. Order a pizza, watch some cartoons, whatever. Newsflash: It's 2016. Marijuana is legal in Oregon. One of the benefits of legalization is that people don't have to sneak around and smoke in weird places like we did in high school. I'm pro-legalization, but that doesn't mean I want to be subjected to the smell when I go to put clothes in the dryer. Please honor the social contract and keep it out of the common areas. Have a good time!

Hey Mom

Thanks for teaching your kid. Thanks for not being on your phone as your kid was trying to be a ruthless prince. I could already see in 5 minutes the spoiled and manipulative nature of his ways. I'm glad you didn't let him do all the things he was trying to do. Like climb and jump on seats. Like kick seats. Like sit wherever he wanted. Like call the shots. Like have his cries manipulate you into doing what he wanted. Thanks for restraining him in public as he was putting on his show. He would cry and fuss when he didn't get his way then seconds later hug you and playfully touch your nose. Thanks for setting boundaries and little rules. My goodness rules? OMG. Hopefully he wont end up like the rest of the 90% of the entitled spoiled millennials.

I'm That Guy

You know when you come across some construction and, say, two lanes must form into one? You know the guy who races to the front of the line, right before the lanes merge, and cuts someone off? That guy who you think inside of your head is an asshole, but you secretly wish you had the guts to cut in line so you wouldn't have to wait? I'm that guy.

I've always done it and nothing's ever happened except that I don't have to wait like you fools. I mean, really, what is anybody really going to do besides huff n' puff and maybe honk their horn? That's right: You're going to do absolutely nothing.

I'll continue to cut in line, and you'll continue to sit in your car. I'm an alpha and you're a beta... it's just how nature works.

Enjoy waiting in line, suckers!

I Thought I Did the Right Thing

Dear Holier Than Thou Cat Mom:
I'm sorry (not sorry) for finding your cat and driving to the animal hospital 5 miles away to figure out if he's lost or not. You didn't have to be so ungrateful and smug. If you feel you've been inconvenienced, then pay me back for the gas I used to drive there and back, the kitty litter, litterbox and the food. A simple 'thanks for your concern but he's fine' would have sufficed. Instead, you just picked up your cat and rushed out of my house when I mentioned I was just worried and thought he was lost AND I still wished you a good evening. You should feel lucky a stranger even gave a damn about your cat and returned him to you. You might not be so fortunate next time. Karma.

Global Warming is a Two Part Issue

I don't even work at the Moda or Convention Center. I can only imagine. I try to do my part. I bring my own bags to shopping and tell restaurants I have my own bag for take out. I give back envelopes my paychecks come in. Or the plastic bag they gave me for beads. Then there's always people who require paper or plastic bags. Then seconds later that bag is in the trash or in the gutter. Beautiful. How can you tell people to do what they already know but are that lazy and naive to not do it? You people can't even turn off the lights. I remember coming into the kitchen one morning to find food, and milk on the table, when the youth had a sleepover. No one was around. I bet they're thinking someone else will do it. Sad. By the way we all hate you and talk trash and make fun of you all the time while we are working.

Reign on Global Warming

I work in the service industry and get to see first hand not only the disgusting, piggy and disrespectful nature of humans, but also that harsh reality of the true nature of life. The amount of consumption and waste that I see created by these groups and events is just disgusting and depressing. The amount of coffee cups discarded, some with coffee or tea still in it, is crazy. I don't even work at a coffee shop. Then think about all the other coffee places in the world, times that by millions of people, times that by all the millions of resources needed to manufacture all these cups, and there you have it. That's just cups. Look at everything else we buy in this world. Never mind emptying the contents into the sink. Never mind even recycling. Remember recycling 101? That's okay, it is public spaces, so who cares? Someone else will do it for me. Everyone else is doing it, so I'll follow along. I can just imagine those people at the garbage facility and them trying to pick out the aluminum cans someone didn't recycle. Global warming is so 2005. Yes, way to devolve and uneducate yourself, people. You are "take life for granted adults" that are the most clueless and irresponsible dimwits ever. It wont be I told you so because it will plainly just be, that's what you did, and that's what you are causing, you lazy, careless human.

Filth vs. Filthy

Your personal bathroom hygiene is disgusting and I've had enough. For 4 years I've had to work in an office with you, and for 4 years you've left skids on the bowl. I know it's you because I've walked in after you've dropped a load and almost vomited on top of your deuce.

I've taken the professional route by sending an anonymous email to the boss 2 years ago, and in turn, the boss made a general, non-specific announcement about keeping the office clean. After that meeting, I did notice that the smears had disappeared, but that was short-lived. It was like you decided to take a stand, planting your flag firmly in the porcelain throne and proclaiming: "How DARE anyone tell me I can't smudge the toilet with my poo! This shall not stand!" The smearing returned.

I can't take it anymore. Nothing seems to work, so I've decided to fight fire with fire... your filth with my filth. I've stopped flushing. I've left my soiled TP face up and floating in the water. I've "accidentally" dropped my used TP on the seat itself. I do this because I want a movement to form (pun intended), I want the office to ban together to finally stop you. I want somebody else to call you out, to shame you. I want the smearing to STOP!

I can't believe it's come to this.

I Told Them So, They Told Me Nothing

As a youth, my dad told me I need to be more vocal and speak my mind. This continued through my teens. I was a shy and passive person. still am in some ways but I just call it observant now. My guess is I was processing my childhood, why my parents were not together, crying myself in bed with my mom comforting me. although I dont remember a thing about their relationship or them together at all now. With various public performances, its just something I had to overcome and eventually gained more confidence in my views, though fear and anxiety is still there. Im always the quiet one at family gatherings because everyone else is usually loud, type A, or a social butterfly. So I try to speak up and feel stupid when I do because noone listens. now Ill send emails or text with very specific questions or remarks revealing those innermost thoughts and feelings. wanna know what? Most of the time, they are completely dismissed. Whats the deal? I finally open up and I get totally ignored. They could at least say thanks for sharing. Btw, its nothing bad or negative I have to say. Just stuff a little deeper than, what you been up to lately? And nada. Zilch. Ill remind them this is a very reason I didnt feel comfortable opening up before, let alone did I know what my thoughts were. Now that I have opinions and views, now that I share them, it disappears in a void. So next time it may seem like pulling teeth talking to me and im back to quiet and a blank stare, they'll know why. Likely not


Portland is jam-packed with gorgeous women, and I generally sneer at IAs that use this forum as an I SAW U (mainly because I just miss that true forum for people who cling to the hope that they might connect with a sexy stranger that blew their mind). BUT...

To the young woman with the Catholic school girl mini skirt, black thigh highs and Salon perfect silver hair - I just want to say thank you. You were with your mom and you just might be 18 years old (though clearly a grown woman) but you made this old man's heart beat like a young buck. You were with your mom so I just used sign language to complement your hair through your iPhone earbuds. You graciously smiled and mouthed "thank you".

I'm sure I will never see you again - but that smile, that two seconds of contact was absolutely inspiring. Beautiful. Powerful. Absolutely in control and aware of your energetic edge. The ultimate balance of femine beauty and empowerment.

Without any hopes that I will ever know you, I just wanted you to know that your divine presence is an uplifting message to all - male and female of all persuasions. Never stop smiling and shining your light.

The Best and Worst of Portland

To the 20 or 30 people that walked right by a man sobbing uncontrollably and screaming for his life in the middle of the Burnside Bridge today, you suck. You stepped over his belongings. You ignored the rope tied around his neck. You pretended not to hear him crying and screaming that he wanted to die. That he wanted to jump. That he tried to hang himself. That everything hurts. That it hurts so bad. And to the 10 or 15 people that pretended not to see anything happening when I was trying to help, you are pieces of shit. You had to step over my bag and his belongings on the sidewalk. You had to avoid eye contact with my dog. Go home and vote for Trump you soulless pieces of shit. To the jogger that grabbed the man off of the railing while I was calling 911 and then hugged the bawling man and told him it will be okay, you are a saint. You hugged him for five solid minutes until the EMTs showed up. He was crying uncontrollably. He smelled bad. He tried to climb the railing again. He was screaming. You didn't let go. You are amazing. Thank you. The rest of you spineless bastards can suck a fuck.

Age Like Wine

There's always an old timer at every dive bar that everyone knows. He's reached this status of celebrity that staff and customers give him a special nickname. Super Dave. Beer Bill. Whiskey Bob. He's got a special seat. Regulars know not to sit there. A newbie comes along and may sit there because he doesn't know. Some regular will say "that's Tipsy Jerry's seat." In come walking Tipsy Jerry and he doesn't care. He's as cool as his status. The bartender knows what he'll drink because he doesn't drink anything else. I love dive bars. The darker and sketchier the place, the greater likelihood I will go to that place than to a fancy schmancy, razzy, spazzy over priced place fake rich socialites hang out at. By the end of the night, this guy and me will be friends. I'll never reach that status because I always drink different libations and I don't sit in same places. That and well I can't go to the same bar every day. But people know me. I've got a reputation. I'll probably buy you a drink, because they'll serve me when I'm buying 2. It's better to get drunk with someone. With this old timer, there's bartenders that like to call you my dear, darling, honey, or sweetie. When you know they aren't calling their boyfriend or husband that. Hey it's about tips and I will tip if you keep em coming. I live the life I love and I love the life I live. Take me home, I think I'm drunk. Do you know how many times I've been cut off? I know they care.

Here to There

This is why it takes you an hour to get 5 miles across town. See, there's nothing wrong with building rail lines and bike lanes. The mistake is BUILDING THEM TO THE EXCLUSION OF EVERTHING ELSE!
Really well-planned cities with visionary leadership know a successful transportation plan is a balance of transit, bikes, pedestrians, and OMG! private autos.
If we'd have had this visionary leadership 40 years ago, we wouldn't have freeways built in the 60's and conceived in the 50's. We wouldn't have two lane roads (Powell, Sandy, Lombard, Hwy 43,) that go from four lanes to two randomly
We'd have at least three more bridges across the Willamette for autos, pedestrians, bikes and pre-engineered for rail traffic. We'd have a showpiece crossing over the Columbia. And they'd all be seismically sound to boot. We'd have separated bike and pedestrian lanes. We'd have maybe 4 MAX lines on wholly dedicated rights-of-way traveling fast, instead of the 6 that overlay what were perfectly functioning bus routes and that crawl.
Mostly we wouldn't be force fed the junk science of "traffic calming" and "road diets." Saying increased capacity results in increased volume ( common Portland Traffic Engineering dogma) is analogous to saying that opening a second check stand at the store when there's 50 people in line will result in more people in line. That idea is preposterous.
And yes, all this would have been incredibility expensive. But other cities found ways to do it.