Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the one who stole the live turkey from the schoolyard: I'm sorry, but you definitely suck. There were two live turkeys living in the front gardens of my son's school, just hanging out with the resident chickens, and when I went to get them, one of them was gone. You took the cock and left his mate, the hen, you loser! She was cold, lonely, and scared when I showed up to get her, thanks to you! I know that you stole him, that he didn't just wander off, because turkeys travel in flocks or at least in pairs. One wouldn't just wander off without his mate. Not to mention that that turkey was raised by someone and represented almost $60 worth of meat, labor, and love, which you got free of charge, but you also stole it from elementary school kids, you total creep! My son wants you to know that he hopes, before you murdered your stolen bird, that it scratched you really good with its fecal-encrusted claws on your big, fat, lazy butt, and that you got a huge case of blood poisoning. I hope you're vomiting on yourself in bed with no one but your criminal friends to clean up after you.—Anonymous