Ann Romano

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2 In last week’s column, One Day broke the shocking news that Portland’s civilization was swirling down the crapper, as evidenced by exploding paper bags in driveways, MAX trains brutally attacking fire engines and, perhaps worst of all, having to dial 503 whenever making a local call. This week, however, civilization has mysteriously […]

Buckle your seatbelts, folks! Portland is on the cusp of a major sociological upheaval that will probably send life as we know it straight down the crapper! Don’t believe us? Well, One Day is only too happy to provide the proof about the coming revolution with pointed examples of anarchy from last week. MONDAY, SEPTEMBER […]

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 For those of you who think Oregon coddles its prison population–cover your ears! Today the Oregon State Penitentiary “went Hollywood” as 170 inmates were invited to serve as extras for a new Barry Levinson film starring Bruce Willis and William Robert “Billy Bob” Thornton. The prisoners who agreed to be willing cogs […]

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 White men across America agree: Al Gore is a big old pansy. According to polls in today’s Washington Post, George W. Bush is the favorite candidate of pipe welders, auto mechanics, and other predominately white, burly guys. “I want to keep my guns,” grunted Michael Ernst, a 36-year-old machinist and Bush supporter. […]

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 The Labor Day weekend was officially ruined when Def Leppard played at the Oregon State Fair–and their fans could barely hear them! Thanks to Salem’s ridiculously stringent noise ordinance, Def Leppard (who normally rocks the fucking house with songs like “Photograph” and “Armageddon It”) was instructed by city officials to turn their […]

MONDAY, AUGUST 28 For the past two decades Morris S. Dees Jr, the founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center, has been slowly putting the KKK out of business the old-fashioned way: by suing their sheets off. Today, he filed another suit in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, in an attempt to seize the Aryan Nations Compound […]

MONDAY, AUGUST 21 If the Lord allows kegs of rum in the afterlife, then heaven has another angel this week. Last night, Milt Sosin, the 92-year-old indefatigable journalist from Miami was delivered to that big newsroom in the sky. A classic old school journalist, Milt did whatever it took to get the story first. Before […]

MONDAY, AUGUST 14 As 100 Russian sailors slowly asphyxiated in a submarine at the bottom of the Barents Sea, the Democrats were throwing a kickass party in Los Angeles with special guests Warren Beatty, Tommy Lee Jones, and that lady who plays Murphy Brown! Spotting a terrific opportunity to get drunk, laid, and wear ridiculous […]

MONDAY, AUGUST 7 Robert B. Pamplin, the owner of the Mercury‘s main competition, the Sellwood Bee, announced today that he intends to further expand his empire by purchasing Portland’s leader in hard, investigative news reporting, Our Town. Pamplin–also known as the Rupert Murdoch of Oregon–already owns six other rags, including the Tualitin Times and the […]

MONDAY, JULY 31 The Republican National Convention kicked off tonight, and in what is being considered a controversial move even by some GOP insiders, nine black people were kidnapped and forced to stand on stage as proof of the party’s new dedication to “inclusiveness.” Gen. Colin Powell–who, rumor has it, may be black himself–gave the […]

MONDAY, JULY 24 Who gives a flying handshake about Bush and Gore’s running mates? The real question on everyone’s minds is who will make the Blazer Dance Team! Today Marlene, a former Blazer girl trying out for this year’s squad, wrote a startling expose on the process for The Oregonian (and used a lot of […]

MONDAY, JULY 17 Nice going, Granny! Today an 11-year-old girl was accidentally run over and killed by her grandma’s Cadillac while being towed on her inline skates. The victim’s grandmother stated she was allowing the youngster to hold on to the passenger side of her Cadillac, which was traveling at a speed of 10 to […]